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Real talk
9 years ago
General
Body full of fluff, head full of stuff.
I'm the sort of person who likes being brutally honest. I've gotten into fights with friends, spanning months because I told them something they just don't want to hear. I'm not blaming them for it, when I snap out of my DPD and start feeling again, I can see why my words hurt people.
Saying that, I'm going to be brutally honest here too. I'm still suffering from depression, but in a way that I explode into fits of anger and sadness. I have nobody that I feel I can let that out to. I never let it out to psychiatrists, I never let it out to my parents or friends. I bottle things up because... I'm afraid to show my emotions to people. I grew up being told that my anger "runs in the family" and something I should be ashamed of. My growing depression was met with "Well, just take more/stronger medication". Love? If I so much as showed any sort of attraction towards anyone, I'd get mocked by my family endlessly.
I exploded on Tumblr today. I just let out a lot that's been on my mind. It's not like anyone there cares, but I still felt guilt over my anger. I don't know how I'm going to get through this year. The best I can hope for is having a job and enough money to keep myself fed.
I'm the kind of person who only sees value in herself when others see value in her. When I'm nothing to the ones I care for, I'm nothing in my own eyes. This year has been an exercise in pushing that to the extreme. I lost someone I loved and worked 3 years of my ass off for. I lost my family. I lost everything.
"I was never a hero. I was never strong. I'm just a scared little girl."
I know at least one of you has depression too. It's likely that a lot of you do. It's a disease that feeds off of your sadness, anger and fear and breeds. It's an oil that soaks into your bones so deep that you fear your skeleton is as black as you feel your heart is. I've given up on being fixed. I gave up a long time ago. Its blended so deep that it's part of who I am now.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I know I'm not alone. It sure as hell feels like it, but I know I'm not. I've considered killing myself soon. To escape the hunger, the sadness and utter fear for the months to come. I'm sorry if I'm not as active here for a little bit. I'm struggling just to wake up every day.
Please don't see this as me saying I don't value you guys. I really do and I wish more of you would talk to me. I'm just... In need of some time to figure out what I'm doing. I might stream tonight, without voice, so I can share with people a game I really love. But as for talking in notes and such, I'm extremely sorry if it takes a couple days to get back to anyone.
-Snow
Saying that, I'm going to be brutally honest here too. I'm still suffering from depression, but in a way that I explode into fits of anger and sadness. I have nobody that I feel I can let that out to. I never let it out to psychiatrists, I never let it out to my parents or friends. I bottle things up because... I'm afraid to show my emotions to people. I grew up being told that my anger "runs in the family" and something I should be ashamed of. My growing depression was met with "Well, just take more/stronger medication". Love? If I so much as showed any sort of attraction towards anyone, I'd get mocked by my family endlessly.
I exploded on Tumblr today. I just let out a lot that's been on my mind. It's not like anyone there cares, but I still felt guilt over my anger. I don't know how I'm going to get through this year. The best I can hope for is having a job and enough money to keep myself fed.
I'm the kind of person who only sees value in herself when others see value in her. When I'm nothing to the ones I care for, I'm nothing in my own eyes. This year has been an exercise in pushing that to the extreme. I lost someone I loved and worked 3 years of my ass off for. I lost my family. I lost everything.
"I was never a hero. I was never strong. I'm just a scared little girl."
I know at least one of you has depression too. It's likely that a lot of you do. It's a disease that feeds off of your sadness, anger and fear and breeds. It's an oil that soaks into your bones so deep that you fear your skeleton is as black as you feel your heart is. I've given up on being fixed. I gave up a long time ago. Its blended so deep that it's part of who I am now.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I know I'm not alone. It sure as hell feels like it, but I know I'm not. I've considered killing myself soon. To escape the hunger, the sadness and utter fear for the months to come. I'm sorry if I'm not as active here for a little bit. I'm struggling just to wake up every day.
Please don't see this as me saying I don't value you guys. I really do and I wish more of you would talk to me. I'm just... In need of some time to figure out what I'm doing. I might stream tonight, without voice, so I can share with people a game I really love. But as for talking in notes and such, I'm extremely sorry if it takes a couple days to get back to anyone.
-Snow
