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Start of a New Flame... Kindling...
9 years ago
I've been playing a lot of Dark Souls... Both Dark Souls and Dark Souls 2, and a reoccurring theme in them is one of a cycle or rebirth even though the character is undead. The first flame brought light into the world and with it the curse of undeath, the Lord of Cinders gave over his soul to rekindle the first flame. I look at this and can't help but be humbled by the sorrowful story.
This past day I went out to Mt Dora, not really a mountain, in Central Florida. I had an amazing experience with an older gentlemen named Kirk Sullens, he helped me build my first forge, a table built upon a utility cart. He taught me to use a plasma cutter, which was amazing, and to utilize a cutting torch. We build a tuyere (the grate the air goes through), reinforced the table with 12 gauge steel, and build out the piping onto a break rotor so that the forge can have the air it needs to keep the fire burning nice and hot.
I've gone through a lot in the past week... The person I love most hasn't talked to me in nearly a week and it's slowly killing me, but I know that right now I want her back. I know that whether she comes back or not I need to fix me, I need to change my life for the better, and be better myself. Much like a week flame at first I sat with my friend yesterday and he held my hand through the process, he talked to me about what I was going to be doing yesterday, and today, not Monday, that was to far ahead. He told me not to worry about things I couldn't control, which I understood, but it was something hard for me to do with my ADHD condition.
Yesterday, out in the middle of nowhere Florida, it felt much the same as when I forged my first thing, a fireplace shovel. I'm exhausted, I need to take a shower because dirt and rust is still on me after getting home last night. My muscles hurt, and I would love nothing more than to sit down to a nice glass of coffee with my Dog. I am crouching, I'm standing next to a young flame that is only just starting to burn, teasing fuel into it, staring with such intensity at the fire hoping it stays lit. I think blacksmithing will be good for me, good for the hurt of my soul that has been resting so long from pain caused by work, and caused by not caring about myself for a long time.
The pain, it's immense, and losing one of the most important people to me because of my actions, well, it's almost to much to bare. I know that if she does come back I need to bare it, I need to better myself for it... and I need to apologize to her. Whether I'm a grey knight who works the line of light and dark, or a bull under a tree holding a flower, a blacksmith kindling an ember into the roaring heart of a flame, I want to be compassionate, but strong. I haven't been strong in a long time, and I fear it has allowed my compassion to erode, my heart to fail, and the stresses of a job I hate to ruin everything for me, whether it be problems with friends, my health, or losing the one I love.
Enough is enough and I think I'm gonna listen to what my hurt is telling me, I think I'm gonna put this job in the grave and change my life for the better... It'll be scary, it'll be rough but it'll be good for me, and I don't think that's selfish to do what's good for you to better yourself.
I love this world, I love so many things, I love the one woman who has inspired me to be more than I could of ever been... It's time to start loving myself also.
~Moo
This past day I went out to Mt Dora, not really a mountain, in Central Florida. I had an amazing experience with an older gentlemen named Kirk Sullens, he helped me build my first forge, a table built upon a utility cart. He taught me to use a plasma cutter, which was amazing, and to utilize a cutting torch. We build a tuyere (the grate the air goes through), reinforced the table with 12 gauge steel, and build out the piping onto a break rotor so that the forge can have the air it needs to keep the fire burning nice and hot.
I've gone through a lot in the past week... The person I love most hasn't talked to me in nearly a week and it's slowly killing me, but I know that right now I want her back. I know that whether she comes back or not I need to fix me, I need to change my life for the better, and be better myself. Much like a week flame at first I sat with my friend yesterday and he held my hand through the process, he talked to me about what I was going to be doing yesterday, and today, not Monday, that was to far ahead. He told me not to worry about things I couldn't control, which I understood, but it was something hard for me to do with my ADHD condition.
Yesterday, out in the middle of nowhere Florida, it felt much the same as when I forged my first thing, a fireplace shovel. I'm exhausted, I need to take a shower because dirt and rust is still on me after getting home last night. My muscles hurt, and I would love nothing more than to sit down to a nice glass of coffee with my Dog. I am crouching, I'm standing next to a young flame that is only just starting to burn, teasing fuel into it, staring with such intensity at the fire hoping it stays lit. I think blacksmithing will be good for me, good for the hurt of my soul that has been resting so long from pain caused by work, and caused by not caring about myself for a long time.
The pain, it's immense, and losing one of the most important people to me because of my actions, well, it's almost to much to bare. I know that if she does come back I need to bare it, I need to better myself for it... and I need to apologize to her. Whether I'm a grey knight who works the line of light and dark, or a bull under a tree holding a flower, a blacksmith kindling an ember into the roaring heart of a flame, I want to be compassionate, but strong. I haven't been strong in a long time, and I fear it has allowed my compassion to erode, my heart to fail, and the stresses of a job I hate to ruin everything for me, whether it be problems with friends, my health, or losing the one I love.
Enough is enough and I think I'm gonna listen to what my hurt is telling me, I think I'm gonna put this job in the grave and change my life for the better... It'll be scary, it'll be rough but it'll be good for me, and I don't think that's selfish to do what's good for you to better yourself.
I love this world, I love so many things, I love the one woman who has inspired me to be more than I could of ever been... It's time to start loving myself also.
~Moo
