With each passing year I realize that I don’t know what Im doing when it comes to other people.

I can make people laugh, I work hard, try to help others when I can but nothing keeps people around, they never become closer then social friends.

But I love my friends, I just wish I had it as easy as they seem to have it. While I love this fandoms openness, that openness of others lets you see how unwanted you can be when you hear about how many people they’ve dated or how many of your friends have had sex with each other, the great parties, the random trips.

But when you are not apart of that, when you’re rejected from relationships deeper then social politeness it starts to eat away at you.

It makes you unsure of your self , makes you ask whats wrong with me why am I alone all the time but you can’t ask others.

No one thinks theres a problem, I’ve been yelled at for trying to point out when I was mistreated, when I was lead on or when I was rejected after being told ‘next time’ or ‘we need to hang out more’ over and over.

I’ve tried to fix thing, tried to be even nicer and happier, tried to meet new people, tried to fix what was broken but Im still alone, still broken, still rejected.

Nothing gets better, no one cares, Im ‘too emotional’, ‘don’t handle rejection well’. I’ll still be forgotten about and still get told ‘ we never see you’ when I run into locals at a con in another state.

I don’t think they even realize they are doing anything wrong, they just don’t see me any more, they don’t need to fix a relationship they don’t even know, or care, is broken, because it means so much to me but so little to them.

So most days I sit alone and work, trying to ignore the depression thats been built by years of rejection and trying to fix something wrong when I don’t even know what is wrong. Like boat with a leak you can’t find, slowly sinking.

Depression is like being kept underwater, as long as you can come up for air you can be pushed back under over and over again and still come back. But if you’re kept under too long you dont come back, you just sink into the ocean lost in the darkness.

But I can’t blame my friends because I love them even when they’ve forgotten all about me..