I can't do it anymore. Summer is the worst time of the year and I should've known to expect what happened last summer. I cannot sleep right and my sleep schedule keeps getting pushed over into the day. I just woke up a bit ago and it's almost noon whereas I used to ake up at 4am just so you can get an idea of how pushed over my sleep schedule is. Reason is cos my dad and bro now play games/play TV together super late at night and it keeps me up. It's like a trigger thing when I hear that noise I immeditaly go crazy and turn into a sobbing mess. I was just nonstop crying last night and I think the only reason I fell asleep was cos I passed out from so much of it x.x Then this morning I woke up and saw the time and now I can't stop crying cos I can't fucking win. So I'm done, I'm tired of trying really hard to sleep better or do stuff and never win. I give up!! It's not worth it. What sucks is even my animals' health andschedules are getting fucked up cos of this. My gecko was supposed to be fed today but since it's in the middle of the day it wouldn't be right to pull him out and feed him(they're noctournal) so I have to wait til later tonight :c

And btw my dad is fully aware of my schedule NEEDING to be totally different than everyone elses' since I work at 4am.. first thing he told me when walmart changed my positions' schedule from starting at 7am to 4am was "no one here is gonna change their schedule for you" or at least something along those lines. Once I told him in order to get 8hrs of sleep before work I'd need to be asleep BY 7pm and he completely ignored my point by saying I don't sleep earlier anyway. I actually DID when I could, I would sleep as early as 3am if I could!! But due to summer and him working out in the evenings(meaning loud music) and gaming late at night I am kept up all the time and he just tells me I'm too 'sensitive' or 'picky'... NO I'M NOT! If I can't sleep to obnoxious noise levels that's cos I'm a fucking human being. He thinks I can just flip switches in my brain to make me into what he expect of me or something ;w;

Because of this waking up later and general lack of sleep then sleeping too much on my days off when I sleep in, I am just always tired/crappy feeling. I feel sick all the time and emotionally it weighs me down, too. I don't have a lot of things I enjoy anymore nowadays as depression has a habit of taking them and turning them 'numb' or just tears them to peices so I can never really enjoy them again. Music, certain movies, games, even my own pets I become super uninterested in overtime slowly and despite knowing it's happening there isn't anything I can do to reverse it. I used to enjoy so many things now I struggle to force myself to keep retrying them but they're gone for good now. My point in mentioning this is I have no outlets. Nothing. I've got nothing I can do each day to help me cope with all the stress and depression this place shoots at me. Lately all I have been doing to occupy my mind is playing ARK but as of yesterday I started to get that numbing/uninterested feeling towards it and now I am scared it, too, is gonna just become one of those things I USED to enjoy and it won't be able to help me anymore.

Yeah I dunno what to do. Until I move out I'm stuck with all this. And I am gonna be even more tired/sick cos I now have to do what I did last summer which was sleep at my comp desk w/ youtube playing all night and all the lights on so I never fully fell asleep cos being late for work is not worth trying to get a few hours of real sleep anymore. I was 4hrs late the other day.. And I was late many days before that. The Walmart policy gives you .5 pts per tardy and a total of 9 full points means you're fired. I think I have 3 or 3.5 by now.. Today is proof to me I NEED to that though cos now my body wants to start sleeping in til noon and being 8hrs late for work.. just no x.x Can't wake up to alarms anymroe either :c

AHHH I hate living here. It's just always getting worse and I already suspect I am too far gone, mentally, to ever feel okay or happy again. Sure I could move out and stuff won't fuck me up worse but I've thought too deeply over the years and I see things in a way that just make me hate life forever.. ugh