I've taken a couple days mostly away from the internet, yesterday wasn't hugely by choice, since the net was down for roughly 30 hours. That's beside the point.

I'm still not going to divulge what's been making me depressed. That's a pretty personal thing that I haven't even discussed with friends. I will say that it has a lot to do with how I view myself, and how clear it's become that others see me in ways I don't find flattering. I've mentioned my surgery and medication troubles before. It's life changing, and honestly... Starting that medication and beginning the road to a better body would balance out all the shit I've been through this year.

Look, guys. I've done things to make myself feel like I'm more than just, well, me. I took something someone said to heart. It was an awful, mean-spirited thing she said and I let it get to me. I took it as a personal challenge when really, I'm not mentally stable enough to. She took my raw feelings and smashed them into the ground because that's what she does. She takes pleasure out of rubbing my face in things when I'm wrong, she likes making me feel like shit. I don't even know why, but I'm always her punching bag.

I've tried pretending to take the whole thing with Anna well. I haven't. I know this summer is going to be brutally hard on me because I'll just be surrounded by failed promises to someone I loved far more than I loved myself. I wanted to give her the world and I kissed the ground she walked on. To quote a Steven Universe episode: "Did Rose make you feel like you were nothing?" "She made me feel... Like I was everything."

I've known for years that my "strength" is my weakness. I'm the kind of girl who'd do anything for the one she loves even if it means I tear myself apart. I bleed for the ones I love. I hate when people say I'm strong because I only see it as a lie. It's not a matter of trying to cheer me up. People telling me I'm strong hurts me. It makes me angry at myself because I know I can't live up to what everyone thinks I am. I'm not strong. I'm just a scared girl trying her best to get by.

I took what this person said and turned it into self hate. She took a doubt of mine and ran with it, and I let her do it. When someone tells you that nobody will ever love you because of your weakness, it hurts even more when every day you look in the mirror and see a person looking back who isn't you. The person looking back is a monster, a freak. You start thinking that even though those words were meant to dig into you, meant to do nothing more than hurt you, that they were right.

I'm not who people say I am. I can't ever live up to that. Maybe... Maybe that's why Anna left. Because no matter what I did or said, no matter how much blood, sweat and tears I spilled in her name, I just wasn't ever good enough. My depression and weaknesses is why she left, and hearing time and time again by people I trust that it's why I'm alone... Well, that obviously doesn't help.

I'm a disposable being in my own life.