Right now... I don't know what to do... I'm posting this here because I want to get these thoughts onto paper, so to speak, without aiming them at any one person in a private message & without making it overtly open to everyone on Facebook...
I'm a pathetic guy... I thought I had everything relatively figured out... I started to slowly allow myself to think about the future once again, hesitant for fear of another breakdown... I finally figured out my sexuality, obtained some realistic goals to aim for, and even had a few dreams to hope for. I found a wonderful mate who I was just exuberantly happy to know we'd spend our lives together... We hit a few bumps along the way, but who doesn't?
Then my depression started kicking in really bad... I started worrying about things that were the farthest from my mind... I doubt I'll be able to fulfill my goals, and I can forget about my dreams...
One of the things that makes me upset the most is that, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I berate myself & tell myself that I'm trash for thinking this way, no matter how much I love my mate, it's so hard for me to be fully supportive of her transition from male to female... Right when I was 100% certain that I was 100% gay, she started feeling more & more uncomfortable in her body... I wish I could be there for her in body, mind, & soul... I want to be there for her, guiding her through the process, telling her everything will be okay... And... I know I will love her either way, but... I'm not sure how I'm going to react physically...
I want to cry right now... Honestly, the mere idea that I could possibly not be supportive of her makes me want my life to end... I want to have children with her... I want to raise a family with her... But... I'm just trash... I'm a shitty person...
I wish sexuality wasn't an issue... I wish it didn't affect the way I think or the way I react...
It feels like everything is crashing down sometimes... When I start to think about this in depth... it makes me want to give up on everything... Because I don't deserve anything...

A part of me is scared that she'll read this... A part of me wants her to read this... I guess that's why I'm putting it here... There's just as much a chance either way...