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Depression.
9 years ago
Gee, what a topic for a first journal.
Anyway yeah, I just gotta rant on paper or in this case just type as if I'm talking to someone. For years now I can't help but feel inferior. Inferior in school, looks, social activities, etc... doesn't matter what it is I just don't feel as good as others at just about anything. It's really sort of resonated again recently. I've always been a jealous person and certain things in my life have really amplified that, it doesn't help that I never figure myself good enough for ______.
I crave attention but don't want to seem needy, I often just sort of binge my worries away on whatever I'm fixated on at the time like games, music, books, or art even as you can see in my gallery here. A lot of the pieces were well over 100 USD. I have a need to make myself feel good or I'll just blow up, but all it does is push the feelings down and they come back stronger. I've been in this loop for years and I know tomorrow I'll regret even writing this blah blah but whatever, fuck future me.
I guess I'm just tired of not being "that guy" the one that can do that or this right. Now you'll say oh there's always gonna be someone better bud, but I'd settle for just being average at this point. I just don't feel good about almost anything in my life, so I try to seek attention of others often to the point where they just find me annoying and then I shrink back thinking I did something wrong so the cycle continues. Just lately I've been worse after having been cheated on over a fricken year ago and I still can't get it out of my head. Maybe if I was better looking? Maybe if I _ or _. I know "you can't live in a world of what ifs" but I'm allowed to wonder and speculate. I'm allowed these feelings as a person and sometimes well I just can't damn help them. They're consuming me and it's killing me.
I know my friends will probably read this and message me concerned, or just leave a comment below saying they care for me and will do whatever they can. I hope they know I appreciate them but in all honesty good wishing does jack. It's a short term solution, it'll boost me up but I'll fall again, I'm sorry guys I know you all mean well but it's just how my brain works. I'll be fine for a week, a month, two? But it always comes back, and I'm getting to the point where I just can't take it anymore.
Anyway yeah, that's it I suppose. Sorry for a rant, I just wanted to type it all out.
-Sy
Anyway yeah, I just gotta rant on paper or in this case just type as if I'm talking to someone. For years now I can't help but feel inferior. Inferior in school, looks, social activities, etc... doesn't matter what it is I just don't feel as good as others at just about anything. It's really sort of resonated again recently. I've always been a jealous person and certain things in my life have really amplified that, it doesn't help that I never figure myself good enough for ______.
I crave attention but don't want to seem needy, I often just sort of binge my worries away on whatever I'm fixated on at the time like games, music, books, or art even as you can see in my gallery here. A lot of the pieces were well over 100 USD. I have a need to make myself feel good or I'll just blow up, but all it does is push the feelings down and they come back stronger. I've been in this loop for years and I know tomorrow I'll regret even writing this blah blah but whatever, fuck future me.
I guess I'm just tired of not being "that guy" the one that can do that or this right. Now you'll say oh there's always gonna be someone better bud, but I'd settle for just being average at this point. I just don't feel good about almost anything in my life, so I try to seek attention of others often to the point where they just find me annoying and then I shrink back thinking I did something wrong so the cycle continues. Just lately I've been worse after having been cheated on over a fricken year ago and I still can't get it out of my head. Maybe if I was better looking? Maybe if I _ or _. I know "you can't live in a world of what ifs" but I'm allowed to wonder and speculate. I'm allowed these feelings as a person and sometimes well I just can't damn help them. They're consuming me and it's killing me.
I know my friends will probably read this and message me concerned, or just leave a comment below saying they care for me and will do whatever they can. I hope they know I appreciate them but in all honesty good wishing does jack. It's a short term solution, it'll boost me up but I'll fall again, I'm sorry guys I know you all mean well but it's just how my brain works. I'll be fine for a week, a month, two? But it always comes back, and I'm getting to the point where I just can't take it anymore.
Anyway yeah, that's it I suppose. Sorry for a rant, I just wanted to type it all out.
-Sy
Sorry I guess.
You most likely know or have heard everything I've said to you now, just know a lot of people will be thinking, worrying, or praying for you. I know I will be now.
You're right, it won't completely help you, sometimes it won't do anything at all. But in the end, you are what's gonna make you feel better. Everyone else can wish you all the best and do everything in their part to help you out, but when it comes down to it you'll have to pick yourself back up on your own. I know it's rough. I've never had depression (at least, I don't believe I've had) so I apologize if I come off as insensitive.
I know what I say isn't gonna help much, after all you just said that yourself, but I wish you all the best and luck. Things will get better. You just have to be around to see it happen.