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Happy Fourth? Yeah right... *UPSET JOURNAL - READ AT RISK*
9 years ago
General
Happy Fourth of July? That's fucking rich. I am so upset right now that I WISH that today never happened. So before I get into why I am upset, let me explain a few things.
When I was a kid in elementary school, not a single person gave me the light of day. And with that sort of environment, you'd think that you'd only try your hardest to be accepted right? Well, I was so hated that NOBODY wanted ANYTHING to do with me. And without explaining the circumstances of my 3rd grade year, let's simply say certain family members were away, my faith in the US police was destroyed that January, and I had depression. At the age of 8/9 years old, I had depression and nearly SUCCEEDED with my suicide attempts. After about 4 or 5 years, I thought my depression had left me, and what had changed in me was the fact that - as I stated in a past journal ages ago - I cannot feel emotions anymore, yet I am still happy to keep on living. NOW, the reason why I started this journal.
I have been dating my 3rd girlfriend since 1/11/2016, and she has had depression since she was MUCH younger than I, and when she's herself, she is SUPER clingy and I can't get away from her. Well, I've been spending nearly EVERY day for the past 2 weeks dealing with her, which isn't a bad thing, but I've had almost no time for myself, which can make anyone cranky. When I told her that I wanted to leave her place and head back to mine - I had spent the night at her place yesterday - she was getting panicky and started freaking out at me. When I told her my parents were getting me - keep in mind I don't have my own car NOR my driver's license - she said something that I believe triggered my depression again. 'If you can't handle me, then why don't you break up with me?' Granted, she was upset and angry when she said that to me, but that doesn't make it okay. I feel so bad right now, that I want to just curl up and die. I probably won't, but I need somebody who's a friend to tell me it's okay, and if not that, something - anything at all - that could make me happy. I don't type these journals for sympathy, I type them out because it's hard to explain to everybody each and every time. You can say what you want about this, but please don't call her a bad person. That's all I ask.
When I was a kid in elementary school, not a single person gave me the light of day. And with that sort of environment, you'd think that you'd only try your hardest to be accepted right? Well, I was so hated that NOBODY wanted ANYTHING to do with me. And without explaining the circumstances of my 3rd grade year, let's simply say certain family members were away, my faith in the US police was destroyed that January, and I had depression. At the age of 8/9 years old, I had depression and nearly SUCCEEDED with my suicide attempts. After about 4 or 5 years, I thought my depression had left me, and what had changed in me was the fact that - as I stated in a past journal ages ago - I cannot feel emotions anymore, yet I am still happy to keep on living. NOW, the reason why I started this journal.
I have been dating my 3rd girlfriend since 1/11/2016, and she has had depression since she was MUCH younger than I, and when she's herself, she is SUPER clingy and I can't get away from her. Well, I've been spending nearly EVERY day for the past 2 weeks dealing with her, which isn't a bad thing, but I've had almost no time for myself, which can make anyone cranky. When I told her that I wanted to leave her place and head back to mine - I had spent the night at her place yesterday - she was getting panicky and started freaking out at me. When I told her my parents were getting me - keep in mind I don't have my own car NOR my driver's license - she said something that I believe triggered my depression again. 'If you can't handle me, then why don't you break up with me?' Granted, she was upset and angry when she said that to me, but that doesn't make it okay. I feel so bad right now, that I want to just curl up and die. I probably won't, but I need somebody who's a friend to tell me it's okay, and if not that, something - anything at all - that could make me happy. I don't type these journals for sympathy, I type them out because it's hard to explain to everybody each and every time. You can say what you want about this, but please don't call her a bad person. That's all I ask.
I had a freak-out due to climbing stress on the mouse game, which is concernedly worrying my closest friend (who I'm obligated to spend time with most of the day, since she and I are still targets for bullying by a malicious hater) as she's worried about my mental sanity.
Here, I thought I need to learn I need to calm down. But seeing this, you going through that, I'm sorry you had to endure that. And gosh, I never knew that life suuuucked for you. :( *hugs* Hope you feel better...
You're NOT alone. I never had a girlfriend, and my youth was slightly different than the usual. So I guess that I can't give you a proper advice, but! If there is one thing that I'm pretty sure, is that Christ can solve everything with the right amount of patience and perseverance.
Tell me your name, and I'll pray for you as much is necessary!