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The anxiety is overwhelming sometimes
9 years ago
I'm writing this just to give myself something to do at the moment. I have really bad anxiety, I used to be on meds for it, as well as anti-depressants. I worked with my doctor to get off them. I hate how the anxiety controls my life everywhere I go.
I was bullied a lot during my school years, from elementary, all the way to high school. From everything from my appearance, to the music I listen to, and my personality. I failed the 7th grade because I never asked teachers for help with things I didn't understand, a lot of my tests were handed back blank. I took special courses the following year so I wouldn't have to repeat the 7th grade. I had a panic attack during my math final in senior year of high school, the teacher took the test away and the school nurse walked me out of the classroom. 5 of my 10 fingers are without nails, I bite them compulsively.
Right now, I'm sitting in a computer lab during a class writing this, reliving 7th grade. I don't dare ask the professor for help, the people around me continue working on their projects, meanwhile I just sit here doing fuck all. I've alway put a lot of weight into what people think of me, even though I know I shouldn't do that, but for me that's easier said than done. I hate thinking of what other people might think of me if they saw I was struggling. I asked a professor for help once in a class a couple of years ago, his response after he helped me? "You should know this by now". My expectations of myself are too high. Sometimes I can't leave the house because of the thought of what MIGHT happen.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'll be going back to my psychiatrist I guess but I feel like it can't be helped. There are so many things I want to do with my life but I can't because I over think, worst case scenarios in my head, what if I fail? What will people think? Fuck this, fuck all of it. I can't function in society like this. I actively avoid people at all times, I don't ask for help when I need it.
I just hate living like this, avoiding people, biting my nails until they bleed, not being able to do the things I want to do because I self sabotage myself. I'm still siting in front of a Mac's screensaver while other people are moving on with their lives, and I'm staying behind.
Sorry for the wall of text, just had to do something.
I was bullied a lot during my school years, from elementary, all the way to high school. From everything from my appearance, to the music I listen to, and my personality. I failed the 7th grade because I never asked teachers for help with things I didn't understand, a lot of my tests were handed back blank. I took special courses the following year so I wouldn't have to repeat the 7th grade. I had a panic attack during my math final in senior year of high school, the teacher took the test away and the school nurse walked me out of the classroom. 5 of my 10 fingers are without nails, I bite them compulsively.
Right now, I'm sitting in a computer lab during a class writing this, reliving 7th grade. I don't dare ask the professor for help, the people around me continue working on their projects, meanwhile I just sit here doing fuck all. I've alway put a lot of weight into what people think of me, even though I know I shouldn't do that, but for me that's easier said than done. I hate thinking of what other people might think of me if they saw I was struggling. I asked a professor for help once in a class a couple of years ago, his response after he helped me? "You should know this by now". My expectations of myself are too high. Sometimes I can't leave the house because of the thought of what MIGHT happen.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'll be going back to my psychiatrist I guess but I feel like it can't be helped. There are so many things I want to do with my life but I can't because I over think, worst case scenarios in my head, what if I fail? What will people think? Fuck this, fuck all of it. I can't function in society like this. I actively avoid people at all times, I don't ask for help when I need it.
I just hate living like this, avoiding people, biting my nails until they bleed, not being able to do the things I want to do because I self sabotage myself. I'm still siting in front of a Mac's screensaver while other people are moving on with their lives, and I'm staying behind.
Sorry for the wall of text, just had to do something.
It's good tho that you recognise how you feel and plan to do something about it
Anyway, thanks for sharing and I hope you get better too :')