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The State of My Life 2016
9 years ago
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discoverychannelofficialSo this will be a long journal. I felt it was time to write a long long journal about my life and where it is now and where it has been the last few years. The reason I write this isn’t just for myself, but for others I don’t speak to as much as I would like as well as friends I speak to every day. I have been through a lot the last 2 years and kinda feel now that I am in the eye of the storm. Things have really calmed down and I have been able to really look back and analyze my past choices and current choices.
Divorce:
Tomorrow is my anniversary. Well, it would of been. I have told myself a few times this last week to ‘not even think about it’, but I know I will. While I’m sure nothing much will come of it, I might have a nice quick cry. But besides that sometimes It’s good to remind myself that it was the right choice. I look at myself back then and I the more time goes by the more I see how many issues and problems I had in my life because of my marriage. A relationship is a lot more then just love, no mater what people tell you. Even one year later now, I am still coping. Even will a failed relationship, true love takes more time to heal then anything. But I’m getting there. Every day gets better. And hoping someday past that the hole in my heart will be gone and I’ll be set for another special person in my life.
Slowing Down / Simplifying:
After my divorce I guess I kinda turned some aspects of my life up a lil too high. Making up for what I couldn’t deal with when I was married I suppose. First thing was my sexuality. It didn’t take long since I really felt it had be true for years. Even my exwife was not surprised when I told her. Even she kinda knew. I had a fun year but I think after all is said and done I need to chill on the partying. Not stop, just do it less. Felt like I was in collage again for a while. Just focus on the core pleasures in my life. Spend more time in a fursuit and less in a vodka bottle.
Sex:
Part of the last year has been discovering my sexuality. Also just being single again, plain and simple. I have had a few fuck friends and lovers. Everything worked out for me. A few bumps in the road, but I got to actually have a sex life for once. But in the end, I felt some hard truths had to be addressed. I’m really grateful for the people I got to share that with. They are all attractive and wonderful people. But, I’m currently considering the fact I’m just a very monogamous person. Sex is something to me I really need to feel confidant in myself and with someone who helps me not freak out and we can bond together. Anyway, this is kinda part of slowing down for me. No more picking up a hot chick at a bar or whatever you wanna call it. Sex is fun but something I need to just share with a person who becomes very special to me. I know a lot of people I know don’t feel the same, but I know others do. I’m ready for sex to be more “making love” and less “getting rocks off” (to put it crudely).
Love:
Like I said before, It’s been one year since me and my exwife both went our own ways. I guess that’s what inspired this journal really. It’s been one year since I totally flipped my life on it’s end and really started over. It’s hard to accept the fact you’re alone. Especially after a marriage that meant so much. Wasn’t just like dumping a girlfriend or getting dumped like in high school. Sometimes I still see her face. Usually crying asking me to let her go. ANNNYway, avoiding any fun details, I think I’m making better steps towards love. Not finding it, but just being okay not having any (romantic that is). It’s amazing how long lasting that need to have someone close is. It lingers and festers for a long time even when you think it’s gone. I have had a few…. flings(?) the last year. I can’t really figure out how to explain it. Times I opened up my heart and the hand I was dealt didn’t turn out how I would have hoped. Again, avoiding details respecting the privacy of others.
Friends:
Honestly, I think this is the most important part of this journal. The most positive change of those last 1-2 years has been the friendships I have found and learned more about. While I might of had a good run in love, friendship is something my life has been lacking until about 5 years ago. I hate to sound emo, but I honestly have never had any real friends in my life. Not when I compare what TRUE friendship is. Something I never knew untill about 2-3 years ago.
Honestly, when I moved to Seattle, I didn’t understand who was my friend. I had people I hung out with and where “friends”, but what the hell IS a friend? I thought it was like high school or work. Just “some person you work with you get along with”. No. It’s really not. I didn’t understand what that meant until last year. This last year I have learned that the friends I had the last year weren’t just “friends”, they were FRIENDS. Haha! That’s so vague. Hmm.. how to explain it. I suppose I never understood how deep a bond friendship could be. How close to a relationship it was. Not romantic love, but still love. Brotherly love. Like true family.
The friends I have really got to know the last year or two have quickly become friends that have had a stronger bond with me then people I have known my whole life. I suppose seeing others really go out of their way to help me was something new. Like REALLY big time care deeply about me and how I was. It’s so new to me. They more then anything in my life has helped fill that hole, more then I could of ever imagined. I know my gratitude is hard to spot. I’m a hard nut to crack. I know that now. I know I have a lot of issues socially and issues understanding basic social graces. Again, I haven’t had true friends like things before. I grew up with no friends. I didn’t learn how to talk to people. How to treat people. I’m learning now what most normally people learned to do when they were children. But I’m here now trying to show how I truly appreciate all my friends and all they have done for me.
And they have done a lot. Dealt with a lot. While, again, I don’t show it, the fact is this. I really do understand how much of a pain in the ass I am. XD I think that’s why my loyalty, devotion and love for my friends is deeper then people realize. Cause I can see what they deal with being my friend. But they stay with me and support me. Deal with my fuck ups and stupid shit. Really do whatever they can to help and support me. I really do see that. I don’t know how to thank them or what I should do. One of my best friends answered that question once. He said “just keep being who you are”. Made me tear up. After all my bullshit he just wanted me to keep being myself.
In the end, I want to thank those VERY special friends in my life (you know who you are), for sticking with me through all my bullshit. I’ll always be here to do anything for you in return and I promise I’ll work on whatever I have to to become a better person. I owe it to all my friends. Thank you for not ever giving up on me and showing me what a true friend is. I love you.
I’m looking forward to the rest of this year, and the rest of my life. My future is bright with friends like these.
Thank you everyone.
Divorce:
Tomorrow is my anniversary. Well, it would of been. I have told myself a few times this last week to ‘not even think about it’, but I know I will. While I’m sure nothing much will come of it, I might have a nice quick cry. But besides that sometimes It’s good to remind myself that it was the right choice. I look at myself back then and I the more time goes by the more I see how many issues and problems I had in my life because of my marriage. A relationship is a lot more then just love, no mater what people tell you. Even one year later now, I am still coping. Even will a failed relationship, true love takes more time to heal then anything. But I’m getting there. Every day gets better. And hoping someday past that the hole in my heart will be gone and I’ll be set for another special person in my life.
Slowing Down / Simplifying:
After my divorce I guess I kinda turned some aspects of my life up a lil too high. Making up for what I couldn’t deal with when I was married I suppose. First thing was my sexuality. It didn’t take long since I really felt it had be true for years. Even my exwife was not surprised when I told her. Even she kinda knew. I had a fun year but I think after all is said and done I need to chill on the partying. Not stop, just do it less. Felt like I was in collage again for a while. Just focus on the core pleasures in my life. Spend more time in a fursuit and less in a vodka bottle.
Sex:
Part of the last year has been discovering my sexuality. Also just being single again, plain and simple. I have had a few fuck friends and lovers. Everything worked out for me. A few bumps in the road, but I got to actually have a sex life for once. But in the end, I felt some hard truths had to be addressed. I’m really grateful for the people I got to share that with. They are all attractive and wonderful people. But, I’m currently considering the fact I’m just a very monogamous person. Sex is something to me I really need to feel confidant in myself and with someone who helps me not freak out and we can bond together. Anyway, this is kinda part of slowing down for me. No more picking up a hot chick at a bar or whatever you wanna call it. Sex is fun but something I need to just share with a person who becomes very special to me. I know a lot of people I know don’t feel the same, but I know others do. I’m ready for sex to be more “making love” and less “getting rocks off” (to put it crudely).
Love:
Like I said before, It’s been one year since me and my exwife both went our own ways. I guess that’s what inspired this journal really. It’s been one year since I totally flipped my life on it’s end and really started over. It’s hard to accept the fact you’re alone. Especially after a marriage that meant so much. Wasn’t just like dumping a girlfriend or getting dumped like in high school. Sometimes I still see her face. Usually crying asking me to let her go. ANNNYway, avoiding any fun details, I think I’m making better steps towards love. Not finding it, but just being okay not having any (romantic that is). It’s amazing how long lasting that need to have someone close is. It lingers and festers for a long time even when you think it’s gone. I have had a few…. flings(?) the last year. I can’t really figure out how to explain it. Times I opened up my heart and the hand I was dealt didn’t turn out how I would have hoped. Again, avoiding details respecting the privacy of others.
Friends:
Honestly, I think this is the most important part of this journal. The most positive change of those last 1-2 years has been the friendships I have found and learned more about. While I might of had a good run in love, friendship is something my life has been lacking until about 5 years ago. I hate to sound emo, but I honestly have never had any real friends in my life. Not when I compare what TRUE friendship is. Something I never knew untill about 2-3 years ago.
Honestly, when I moved to Seattle, I didn’t understand who was my friend. I had people I hung out with and where “friends”, but what the hell IS a friend? I thought it was like high school or work. Just “some person you work with you get along with”. No. It’s really not. I didn’t understand what that meant until last year. This last year I have learned that the friends I had the last year weren’t just “friends”, they were FRIENDS. Haha! That’s so vague. Hmm.. how to explain it. I suppose I never understood how deep a bond friendship could be. How close to a relationship it was. Not romantic love, but still love. Brotherly love. Like true family.
The friends I have really got to know the last year or two have quickly become friends that have had a stronger bond with me then people I have known my whole life. I suppose seeing others really go out of their way to help me was something new. Like REALLY big time care deeply about me and how I was. It’s so new to me. They more then anything in my life has helped fill that hole, more then I could of ever imagined. I know my gratitude is hard to spot. I’m a hard nut to crack. I know that now. I know I have a lot of issues socially and issues understanding basic social graces. Again, I haven’t had true friends like things before. I grew up with no friends. I didn’t learn how to talk to people. How to treat people. I’m learning now what most normally people learned to do when they were children. But I’m here now trying to show how I truly appreciate all my friends and all they have done for me.
And they have done a lot. Dealt with a lot. While, again, I don’t show it, the fact is this. I really do understand how much of a pain in the ass I am. XD I think that’s why my loyalty, devotion and love for my friends is deeper then people realize. Cause I can see what they deal with being my friend. But they stay with me and support me. Deal with my fuck ups and stupid shit. Really do whatever they can to help and support me. I really do see that. I don’t know how to thank them or what I should do. One of my best friends answered that question once. He said “just keep being who you are”. Made me tear up. After all my bullshit he just wanted me to keep being myself.
In the end, I want to thank those VERY special friends in my life (you know who you are), for sticking with me through all my bullshit. I’ll always be here to do anything for you in return and I promise I’ll work on whatever I have to to become a better person. I owe it to all my friends. Thank you for not ever giving up on me and showing me what a true friend is. I love you.
I’m looking forward to the rest of this year, and the rest of my life. My future is bright with friends like these.
Thank you everyone.
I'd gladly chat up again and such, maybe play some videa games just to have a genuine good time~
As for myself, things are going pretty good
but i'm like a super terrible friend, i'm bad about poking people and keeping in contact x.x;;
but that is a helluva lot of stuff to go through, i dunno if i coulda come outta all that stuff so close together so well.