I got to go to MegaPlex this past weekend and when you mix socially anxious person and large crowds stuff happens. Bathrooms have to be entered or friends have to be near to help calm you down, tears are shed over small stuff. Well it happened to me and it got me thinking. I don't share this deep of myself on a usual basis because I put up this front that is completely different. Stronger. Can take anything, when deep down, I am not as strong as I put forth, I put up a wall to keep people out and while it has cracked many people who know me don't know a darker secret I keep hidden. Sometimes the memories of when I was that weird loner who ate lunch then went to the school library in high school (by my last year there I cut lunch and just went to the library) still hurt me to this day. Shaped me into a person who is socially anxious in large groups, apologizes for being an annoyance even when people say he isn't, and am constantly putting myself down to save those who used to do it the time and effort. I try to cheer up and put on a smile but I think it is usually just a mask to hide what I am really feeling. Sometimes it gets so bad that in my dreams I will be somewhere and there will be a group of people having fun but I can't join them or if I was part of the group and something fun starts happening I am pulled away and have to watch from a distance. I don't like being a whiny little bitch like this but it really is how I feel sometimes, and I hate it but I am just lost in the dark trying to find a way to change it.