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Tension
9 years ago
With the events in the world (and particularly in the US) of late, I've been vexed.
A large part of me still wants to fall back on old impulses. "Stockpile supplies and weapons in case the shit hits the fan!" says one impulse. "Get a passport and leave the country!" says another.
And you know what? In my time I've done both. I admit it. I've had guns and camping supplies at the ready before, especially in the early 2010s when I was heavy into radical politics. And in the early 2000s, I actually fled the country because I was seriously scared after the media and voting public completely failed to question the rationale for the war in Iraq.
And going back further, it's been fight or flight right the way back. It's a deep karmic rut that I haven't been able to escape for several lifetimes.
But now this extraneous element has shown itself in my life. The church I got involved in. The church that needs me. The church that I am doing extremely well in and am very happy with. The church that gave me a path to answer the call to ministry just as I am and didn't ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm doing extremely well in my training, after all. I'm learning the mass rapidly, quicker than any of the other servers currently in our congregation. I'm a natural at this. Even the divinations I've consulted point me back to this path when I ask about the alternatives. If there is such a thing as destiny, I've found mine.
And yet, the old urges come back. To fall prey to paranoia. To fall back on old habits that never really served me. To flee without thinking of the people I'll leave behind, the people I now have some responsibility toward.
I know I must be the billionth person to have experienced this tension between an enlightened path and a deep karmic tendency. My experience cannot be unique. And yet, I feel so alone in it sometimes.
It doesn't help that the divinations I've gotten haven't told me that staying with the church will be easier, only a better decision. Truth be told, they spoke of a path riddled with major sacrifices. And in an age where the stakes of geopolitics run so high, I'm painfully aware that the stakes could be choosing the life of a pacifist at the worst possible time. I will not fool myself into thinking that noninvolvement in extreme action and non-attachment to political movements makes me unaffected by what happens.
I'm staring down the prospect of living the life of a saint, and everything that comes with it. I'm not too far down the path to turn back but I'm far enough down this rabbit hole that I'll have to live with the shame of knowing better if I renege on this, and the consequences of a karmic burden that I refused to shed.
So, will the myrtle I saw in my dream three years ago (the beautiful, large old plant which grew in the place of a war memorial in the town where I was born in my WWI life) grow and flourish, or will I allow it to starve and let another cold stone monument be placed upon it?
Domine,
Custodi me ad te,
Ut custodiant te ad cor meum.
Et myrtum plantabis ibi crescant.
Lord,
Keep me unto thee,
As I have kept thee in my heart.
And Let the myrtle you have planted there grow.
A large part of me still wants to fall back on old impulses. "Stockpile supplies and weapons in case the shit hits the fan!" says one impulse. "Get a passport and leave the country!" says another.
And you know what? In my time I've done both. I admit it. I've had guns and camping supplies at the ready before, especially in the early 2010s when I was heavy into radical politics. And in the early 2000s, I actually fled the country because I was seriously scared after the media and voting public completely failed to question the rationale for the war in Iraq.
And going back further, it's been fight or flight right the way back. It's a deep karmic rut that I haven't been able to escape for several lifetimes.
But now this extraneous element has shown itself in my life. The church I got involved in. The church that needs me. The church that I am doing extremely well in and am very happy with. The church that gave me a path to answer the call to ministry just as I am and didn't ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm doing extremely well in my training, after all. I'm learning the mass rapidly, quicker than any of the other servers currently in our congregation. I'm a natural at this. Even the divinations I've consulted point me back to this path when I ask about the alternatives. If there is such a thing as destiny, I've found mine.
And yet, the old urges come back. To fall prey to paranoia. To fall back on old habits that never really served me. To flee without thinking of the people I'll leave behind, the people I now have some responsibility toward.
I know I must be the billionth person to have experienced this tension between an enlightened path and a deep karmic tendency. My experience cannot be unique. And yet, I feel so alone in it sometimes.
It doesn't help that the divinations I've gotten haven't told me that staying with the church will be easier, only a better decision. Truth be told, they spoke of a path riddled with major sacrifices. And in an age where the stakes of geopolitics run so high, I'm painfully aware that the stakes could be choosing the life of a pacifist at the worst possible time. I will not fool myself into thinking that noninvolvement in extreme action and non-attachment to political movements makes me unaffected by what happens.
I'm staring down the prospect of living the life of a saint, and everything that comes with it. I'm not too far down the path to turn back but I'm far enough down this rabbit hole that I'll have to live with the shame of knowing better if I renege on this, and the consequences of a karmic burden that I refused to shed.
So, will the myrtle I saw in my dream three years ago (the beautiful, large old plant which grew in the place of a war memorial in the town where I was born in my WWI life) grow and flourish, or will I allow it to starve and let another cold stone monument be placed upon it?
Domine,
Custodi me ad te,
Ut custodiant te ad cor meum.
Et myrtum plantabis ibi crescant.
Lord,
Keep me unto thee,
As I have kept thee in my heart.
And Let the myrtle you have planted there grow.
