I'm not even sure what to put here other than I seem to keep messing things up or doing/saying things at the wrong time. I just needed to let things out. I'm trying to get better and make things better for myself but it always seems like a constant struggle or a fight, people abandoning me without any word even when they said they would have my back, constant bombardment of thoughts and feelings, and things are moving very slowly. I've managed to fix some things in my life but other things seem to be moving at a snail's pace if even at all and I feel like I'm messing things up with people. I try not to be a bother and try to make sure I'm being a good friend but I even wonder what that means to people. I've heard so many different variations of the meaning for "friendship" and with how some act toward me I don't know what I am to them. I really hope I'm not so bad that people don't feel like they could or should associate with me. I guess I'm just really lost with things or haven't developed the proper skills for stuff. I also wish I could get help if there are things I do that are bothersome so that I might grow and be better.

To add to it I always feel lonely cause I don't have someone to share my life with and grow with/help one another. I feel like the things I listed here get in the way of that along with my constant worrying and overthinking mind. I also seem to only be attracted to the seemingly unobtainable and can't ever seem to get that right either. I long for things but don't even seem ready let alone someone that I like even returning the feelings and liking the enigma that is me. I hope people can really see past all the mess and notice that I am trying and can be a great mate or even just someone to know.

What ever the case I guess I still have tons to learn and must continue the seemingly never ending battle for happiness and love. I hope there's a silver lining soon or for something to at least change for the better a little.