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Revelation
9 years ago
. . .
Ok... so in the midst of my... mental torture yesterday... I see I haven't explained a thing. So Ill clarify... "WHY" I am upset about even... 'trying' anymore.
A few months back... 3 to be exact. I had a Neuroimage done on my brain. Mainly to check up on my Schizophrenia and Depression. My schizophrenia was... relatively tame... compared to more severe patients... but thats not to say there were a few blotches to show where its affecting my brain. Depression... was much worse... but... Its not what I was upset about.
Fast-forward to now... 3 weeks back... I had a Follow up to do with my neuroimaging to see how bad its getting. MY doctor was... shocked and impressed to say the least... Because normally a Patient in a 3 month time-span without medication for schizo... their recent Neuroimage will look devastatingly bad. Its like a drastic change you know... However... My recent neuroimage... was... 'almost' the same as my first neuroimage. Of course a bit more darker and a bit more splotches... But compared to other schizophrenic patients... Mine looks like it had been slowed... Because I worked on myself... But the thing he told me... Because he was the doctor... Who brought me back to life on those 2 separate occasions, was that whatever it is that "whatever i'm doing won't stop it forever... It will just keep eating at my brain to the point where... I won't be able to cheat death again." While it does sound dark... He is usually a very blunt doctor when it comes to mental issues, but regardless a good doctor nonetheless... So in my mind... all the pain and struggles to control 'it' will be for nothing as it will just continue to eat away at my brain.
Its kind of like... a zombie apocalypse in where you get bitten... You know what will happen... You know theres no cure... So whats better... Live to lose yourself... fighting it just so it slows... or end it... I've been fighting all this time against it... You have no Idea how tired I am because of it...
Im not a good person... At most... Im kind, caring and loyal... IM really weird... Unattractive, Really freaky, creepy and generally very distant... almost too distant to the point where... No one rather talk to me... so I just... keep everything bottled in... I know its not healthy... and Believe me... saying "Im here if you want to talk.." Doesnt exactly help 'me' in a sense... I already feel distant in talking and depression just tends to lock me in a silent state. That's why I've been feeling like giving up with love... and life... because it's... just so unfair for someone like me...
However I still appreciate all the messages... They do help me a bit... even if it seems so minuscule... Those... Little bits.. give me just slivers of hope...
A few months back... 3 to be exact. I had a Neuroimage done on my brain. Mainly to check up on my Schizophrenia and Depression. My schizophrenia was... relatively tame... compared to more severe patients... but thats not to say there were a few blotches to show where its affecting my brain. Depression... was much worse... but... Its not what I was upset about.
Fast-forward to now... 3 weeks back... I had a Follow up to do with my neuroimaging to see how bad its getting. MY doctor was... shocked and impressed to say the least... Because normally a Patient in a 3 month time-span without medication for schizo... their recent Neuroimage will look devastatingly bad. Its like a drastic change you know... However... My recent neuroimage... was... 'almost' the same as my first neuroimage. Of course a bit more darker and a bit more splotches... But compared to other schizophrenic patients... Mine looks like it had been slowed... Because I worked on myself... But the thing he told me... Because he was the doctor... Who brought me back to life on those 2 separate occasions, was that whatever it is that "whatever i'm doing won't stop it forever... It will just keep eating at my brain to the point where... I won't be able to cheat death again." While it does sound dark... He is usually a very blunt doctor when it comes to mental issues, but regardless a good doctor nonetheless... So in my mind... all the pain and struggles to control 'it' will be for nothing as it will just continue to eat away at my brain.
Its kind of like... a zombie apocalypse in where you get bitten... You know what will happen... You know theres no cure... So whats better... Live to lose yourself... fighting it just so it slows... or end it... I've been fighting all this time against it... You have no Idea how tired I am because of it...
Im not a good person... At most... Im kind, caring and loyal... IM really weird... Unattractive, Really freaky, creepy and generally very distant... almost too distant to the point where... No one rather talk to me... so I just... keep everything bottled in... I know its not healthy... and Believe me... saying "Im here if you want to talk.." Doesnt exactly help 'me' in a sense... I already feel distant in talking and depression just tends to lock me in a silent state. That's why I've been feeling like giving up with love... and life... because it's... just so unfair for someone like me...
However I still appreciate all the messages... They do help me a bit... even if it seems so minuscule... Those... Little bits.. give me just slivers of hope...
But... eh... Im still alive and kicking... so I guess its a +plus+
stay strong and stay happy huge bunny hugs,
Love Toni_Lotusbloom xxxxxx
I am feeling more better than yesterday..
It may look crappy but eh... its going to sketch colored.
I'd say just enjoy the story without worrying about the ending.
Ok, I have a really weirdly roundabout way of saying things... That's because I'm not really that good with words.
But, yeah, I'm just saying (or trying feebly to say) that you shouldn't worry now about how you'll end up, or whether you can cheat death or not. Worrying about it will likely just drag you down quicker.
Just keep being you.
You seem like a good person to me.
Kind, caring and loyal are definitely good things to be.
As far as I'm concerned "weird" translates directly into "interesting".
"Unattractive"? To who? So am I, and I don't really care any more, 'cos I'd rather meet someone who can see past that than try to appeal to the ones with the cardboard-cutout personalities who care only about looks and resources.
I can be freaky, creepy and distant too. I never really talk to anyone unless I have something to say, or if they talk to me first.
Anyways, just wanted to add my voice to the messages of support.
Bunnies gotta stick together, right? hehe.
Just keep being you, 'cos you're a better person than you think!
*bunnyhug*
Bunnyhugs back
anyway, *hugs*
*hugged back gently*
But the kind word have warmed my heart... Thank you for your support.