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The Beginning of the End...
16 years ago
The Chronicles of Furnia: Onai Confidential
Chapter 15: Apparently, happiness is finding Jesus at Wal-Mart at 2AM... (where are the first 14 chapters? Ask your mom.)
It all began as every Tuesday night does, at the British Pub...
As per the norm, we all made our way back to the Furry Hostel, to hang out and do nothing of great importance. Eddie had brought a Godiva chocolate bunny, which Onai and I decided need to get hammer smashed into oblivion while midair.
After enjoying some floor bunny, we decided to go for a walk with Sparky to see if we could find a baby in a dumpster. Eventually, we decided to make a pilgimage to 7-11 to get some Slurpees. So, a large contingent was formed. 30 minutes, about 10 potential jay-walking violations and $4 dollars of my own money later, we headed back. On the way, we ended up scaring some raccoons and finding a washer, dryer and a mini fridge. As the boys needed a new washer, and Onai wanted the minifridge, a plan was hatched to move these items using a Scion and the combined might of a wolf, a skunk and a platypus.
So, after moving a potentially broken washing machine from the dumpster up to a 2nd floor apartment, without a dolly, and with the help of a friendly Filipino neighbor at 1AM, it was decided that Onai, Eddie and myself would make a trip to that bastion of capitalist excess, Wal-Mart. (Wow, what a ridiculously long sentence!)
Upon arrival, we were greeted with a most auspicious sight, as Onai put it, "Wal-Mart is glowing like heaven." As we roamed the empty aisles, looking for a replacement for Senor Shinysides (sooo shiny!), a betta that actually found a way to drown himself, and was currently in a plastic baggy in the freezer, we came across the most amazingly disturbing and squeaky cheeseburger dog toy, which almost gave Eddie a heart-attack when I squeezed it near his ear. Naturally, he ended up buying one.
Fastforward past some more dicking around with the chew toys and dog treats (shocking, I know), we finally set upon the fish tanks to find Plum Cobbler 2.0. The story behind the name is a closely guarded secret, however, I can divulge that it has something to do with Paula Deen and candles... Mull that one over in the old brain for a while.
Anyway, Plum Cobbler 2.0 (who I will furthermore refer to as PC2) had an apparent apathy for life in general, which was counteracted by his love of plastic, squeezy cheeseburgers, and roused his fighting spirits so much so, that he had to be purchased.
We made our way to the scented candles, where we experienced the joy of Pear Honey Candles, which smelled strongly enough of cat urine to elicit the 2nd and 3rd smells of a man who could not believe his sense of smell. While on that aisle, we found the most awesome eco-friendly artwork of sea turtles and wolves, which, because they were not priced, resulted in a trip to the toy department, because, that is where it most easy to price check an item, naturally.
More dicking around ensued, as is par for the course by now, which resulted in the discovery of a puzzle of the skyline of New York City, with the Twin Towers still intact. (You'd have thought that these would have been banned for some BS sense of politically correct oversensitivity/overreaction.) After price checking the puzzle and the picture of the sea turtles, we just had to return to pick up the picture of the wolves, as it was such a great deal, $3, seriously.
We stumbled upon those wonderful relaxation cds and discovered Wal-Mart's ploy to promote Christianity. Apparently, no matter which album you chose to preview on the little stereo setup, you always ended up hearing a selection from "Praise". After hearing about Jesus and all his glory for about 20 minutes, I deduced that it was time for us to either check-out or get baptized, which, I'm sure you'll be able to do at Wal-Mart in the future...
Perhaps next time.
Chapter 15: Apparently, happiness is finding Jesus at Wal-Mart at 2AM... (where are the first 14 chapters? Ask your mom.)
It all began as every Tuesday night does, at the British Pub...
As per the norm, we all made our way back to the Furry Hostel, to hang out and do nothing of great importance. Eddie had brought a Godiva chocolate bunny, which Onai and I decided need to get hammer smashed into oblivion while midair.
After enjoying some floor bunny, we decided to go for a walk with Sparky to see if we could find a baby in a dumpster. Eventually, we decided to make a pilgimage to 7-11 to get some Slurpees. So, a large contingent was formed. 30 minutes, about 10 potential jay-walking violations and $4 dollars of my own money later, we headed back. On the way, we ended up scaring some raccoons and finding a washer, dryer and a mini fridge. As the boys needed a new washer, and Onai wanted the minifridge, a plan was hatched to move these items using a Scion and the combined might of a wolf, a skunk and a platypus.
So, after moving a potentially broken washing machine from the dumpster up to a 2nd floor apartment, without a dolly, and with the help of a friendly Filipino neighbor at 1AM, it was decided that Onai, Eddie and myself would make a trip to that bastion of capitalist excess, Wal-Mart. (Wow, what a ridiculously long sentence!)
Upon arrival, we were greeted with a most auspicious sight, as Onai put it, "Wal-Mart is glowing like heaven." As we roamed the empty aisles, looking for a replacement for Senor Shinysides (sooo shiny!), a betta that actually found a way to drown himself, and was currently in a plastic baggy in the freezer, we came across the most amazingly disturbing and squeaky cheeseburger dog toy, which almost gave Eddie a heart-attack when I squeezed it near his ear. Naturally, he ended up buying one.
Fastforward past some more dicking around with the chew toys and dog treats (shocking, I know), we finally set upon the fish tanks to find Plum Cobbler 2.0. The story behind the name is a closely guarded secret, however, I can divulge that it has something to do with Paula Deen and candles... Mull that one over in the old brain for a while.
Anyway, Plum Cobbler 2.0 (who I will furthermore refer to as PC2) had an apparent apathy for life in general, which was counteracted by his love of plastic, squeezy cheeseburgers, and roused his fighting spirits so much so, that he had to be purchased.
We made our way to the scented candles, where we experienced the joy of Pear Honey Candles, which smelled strongly enough of cat urine to elicit the 2nd and 3rd smells of a man who could not believe his sense of smell. While on that aisle, we found the most awesome eco-friendly artwork of sea turtles and wolves, which, because they were not priced, resulted in a trip to the toy department, because, that is where it most easy to price check an item, naturally.
More dicking around ensued, as is par for the course by now, which resulted in the discovery of a puzzle of the skyline of New York City, with the Twin Towers still intact. (You'd have thought that these would have been banned for some BS sense of politically correct oversensitivity/overreaction.) After price checking the puzzle and the picture of the sea turtles, we just had to return to pick up the picture of the wolves, as it was such a great deal, $3, seriously.
We stumbled upon those wonderful relaxation cds and discovered Wal-Mart's ploy to promote Christianity. Apparently, no matter which album you chose to preview on the little stereo setup, you always ended up hearing a selection from "Praise". After hearing about Jesus and all his glory for about 20 minutes, I deduced that it was time for us to either check-out or get baptized, which, I'm sure you'll be able to do at Wal-Mart in the future...
Perhaps next time.
