I'm gay.

That's not something I've been saying long. In fact, this is one of the first times where my heart isn't racing from saying it. Over the past few weeks I've been coming to terms with my sexuality and I've started coming out to a small group of friends. If you know my art, you're probably rolling your eyes right now: "Of course you're gay. We knew that already."

And certainly, this is not really news to me either. It's been a long time coming; but a lifetime of self denial brings with it a lot of twists and turns, and it's been a thought provoking experience for me. I want to share it with whoever wants to listen. Maybe you've been through the same journey... maybe you're on your way there. Maybe you're not on that path, but you just want to know what it's like. Either way, I want to share it with you.

***

Until recently, I didn't 'know' I was gay. That sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Well, there was a time where I would have agreed with you. How can anyone not know if they're gay? You either get turned on by stuff, or you don't. How could it not be clear? The truth, as is often the case, tends to be a bit more complicated:

For one, the world is straight. That's biology. That's normal. Mom and dad are straight. Your best friend in grade school was probably straight. Your goldfish is straight. It's the way of the world, and it's what we're surrounded by on a daily basis. James Bond has Bond girls, teenage girls swoon over Justin Bieber, and your folks want you to find a wife, buy a house and have 2.4 kids and a dog. And that's okay.

But what happens if that's not how things work for you? Put yourself in the shoes of a kid, maybe twelve or thirteen years old. He's beginning to discover his sexuality. The world is straight. So naturally, he assumes he too, is straight. I assumed I was straight. I didn't know any better and there was no conscious thought behind this, just an assumption. Naturally, it didn't take long for me to realize that there was more to the story. I was curious about boys, and they'd pop up during fantasies as much as girls did. It was a long time ago, but I'm fairly sure that the boys were more exciting to me, as well.

Still, I was a normal boy, and I did normal boy stuff. So I figured "alright, lots of people are probably a little curious and maybe I'm just a little more curious than most". The thought of me being anything other than straight didn't really get any foot hold. In part, it just didn't occur to me. However, at the same time, I was also eager to fit in. Who wouldn't? This isn't something I reasoned, by the way, or consciously decided. It drove me from underneath.

But the girls simply didn't interest me as much, and soon I found my eyes chasing after cute guys on the street, rather than cute girls. "Okay, maybe I'm not straight. But I'm not gay. Maybe I'm bi." Because at the end of the day, I still like that sit-com family picture of me with a wife and kids. And I know that's how it's supposed to be. And I know that's what my family wants. So maybe I'll experiment a bit, maybe I'll gawk at some guys... but sooner or later, I'll just get my fill and I'll find the right girl and that'll be that.

Of course, that never happened. I went on dates with girls, but they were awkward. VERY awkward. It was stressful and terrible; I never knew what to say or do, and the intimacy, on the rare occasions where there was any, felt all wrong. There was never a second date and sure as shit never a third. I assumed I was just out of practice. The thought never struck me that there was a reason I went out with a girl on a once-every-other-year basis. Part of me simply refused to accept the truth.

I should point out that I've never felt it was wrong to be gay. I hold no prejudice or judgment, there's no shame, there's no ridiculous religious conviction tugging at me. It simply wasn't something I had put in the realm of possibility.

***

But then this summer rolled around and I decided it was high time I at least begin exploring these feelings. I asked a guy out and we went on a few dates and... Everything changed. Suddenly, all the awkwardness was gone. Meeting him was terrifying, yes, but once the date actually got underway, it was nice; it felt right, it felt like everything it was supposed to feel like. It was fun, relaxing, I enjoyed it. He told me about himself and I talked about me. We connected. It was what I knew a date should be but had never experienced.
When we kissed, it was good. It was sweet and intimate.

That's when I knew.

It never escaped me that I liked guys, but it wasn't until that moment where I finally understood. It's like a light bulb turned on, and I remember even saying to myself "Wow. I'm gay."
The signs had been there all along, and I just never listened. I'm not with that guy anymore, but over the next few weeks, I learned to accept who I was.

I felt this enormous weight lift that I didn't know was there. I felt happier - and I'm talking a deep, soulful happiness. I felt more at peace. I felt comfortable in my own skin in a way that I hadn't realized was lacking.

I eventually told some people, then some more people. I'm telling someone almost on a daily basis now, and every time, it feels better. I feel more free, more open. There's a part of me I've always kept hidden and I can finally share it; be open and honest about my life with those I love.

And as if on cue, I have found love. I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I love him more than I thought was possible. He makes me soar!



That's my story, and now you know as well. I know I'm new at all of this, but I feel a belonging and a pride for who I am after a lifetime in the fog. I can't help but share it - Thank you for reading!