A warning before you read this all: This journal will be a vent as well and on top of that may have sensitive material.

I'm sorry I haven't been on here in so long. In short, a lot has happened in a month... A lot that has just taken away my willpower and motivation. I got a new job and for the first month it was really nice and hectic, but I didn't mind it. I got so much in my paycheck that after rent, I had leftover money for food and even a lil spoiling money. But a lot can change in a month and the department I'm working in might be closing...so basically, I'm gonna have to look for a new job since I'm already at a risk for losing this one...and my manager has been really rough and mean since it's a lot of stress on her. Since I'm the new kid, I fear I'll be first dropped.

I dropped out of school. The very thought of school made me physically ill and it got to the point where I had to choose between a diploma, or a healthier state of mind. Idk if I'm gonna take a semester or two off or a couple of years, but it's also given me a sense of 'failure'. I need to focus on making myself happy...the people at that school stressed me out and made me feel pretty shitty...Quite a number of students thought my art as a shitty joke.

My mom lost her job recently after 16 years with the company. The company is downsizing and just didn't have a need for her anymore. Though she hated it, the texts and calls I've gotten from her worry me. She's drinking a lot when she rarely used to and the texts she sends are passive aggressive in general. I'm...definitely worried as depression runs through both sides of my family, but my mom's side more. She's a strong lady but without a job and a car, she's understandably upset. So I've been trying to console her as well. I kinda want to move back to help her by paying bills at home, but I've become so dependent on my girlfriend that the thought of leaving her side makes me weak and scared. Plus, I wouldn't want her to quit school because of me.

With all this crap going down so fast, I've become tired all the time. Physically, emotionally, mentally... Not sad anymore, just...empty. Like, void almost. I don't feel anything to the point where I fantasize just not existing for a bit. But of course, I can't afford the help I need either... Lifes been pretty rough. I've no more tears to cry really, just getting through the day without blanking is hard. I've been on bed rest more than I'd like to admit and I've lost more weight than I'd like to admit in an unhealthy way.

This being said, I owe a lot of you commissions and I guarantee you they've all been started and are more than halfway done. I have 4 days off this coming week and I'm gonna force myself to sit down and enjoy my art enough to make them look good, I swear it. I'll be answering notes and comments in the next couple of days as well...I didn't realize I let them all build up. I'm so sorry guys. Thanks for all your patience. After I finish your commissions, I'll be sending them to you with a little extra. YCHs will be more detailed and those sketch commissions and other comms will too. They'll be my best work without any extra charge.

After those are finally finished this week, I plan to take a small break and work mostly on personal work. There will be occasional YCHs available and maybe more sketchy commission options. But nothing fully detailed til I can get my shit together and life stops dragging me in the dirt. I love you all and your patience and support means the world to me. Thanks so much ❤