So regarding my past... at least childhood wise... it wasn't a nice one... Thats filled with beatings... hate and neglect... Its something i've done my best to... kinda... cloud my mind so I 'can't' remember it well. Recent past could include... my deaths, suicide... and rape in a mental hospital.

My present... well... if the past journals are any inclination... Im not an okay individual... Probably very very bad in my opinion... But I try you know... If I were going to end it... I guarantee I wouldn't announce it... Just as I've done before... I only... Vent out my head because it helps me feel... just slightly better.

Im not going to change for you... Im not going magically begin talking to someone just because they say "Hey im here to talk if you want" it just... doesn't work like that with me... Im not medicated... I do actively get depressed... I do actively see hallucinations that speak and talk to me...
I do try to live... I do try my hardest to be 'happy' Even though its just lil bits and pieces of happiness I still try.

One of the biggest things... that makes me happier than anything is 'love' ya know... Like it really does wonders... this year has just been hell for me because of it... And its something I am thinking about giving up... reason being that One day im just going to lose myself... it wouldn't be fair to whomever was mine... to just... see someone they love change and disappear... but... so far its just... something im heavily considering..



My future... just seems rather bleak... to be honest. Knowing whether its sooner or later that I will lose myself to my Schizo... is whats more demoralizing... but at least im trying..