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9 years ago
It's 430 in the morning. I just woke up from somewhat of a nightmare (my sister was in trouble or something). Now I am sitting here thinking about this past week, month, year and wondering what exactly has brought me to this point.
I had always been somewhat repressing who I am on a variety of levels, to allow the people around me to have their pre-conceived notion of me be correct. I don't what to disappoint people or upset them. In the past I have had to ensure the happiness of others before that of my own. That resulted in a great deal of self loathing and hatred about my sexuality, my likes, and ultimately my life. As someone close to me has recently described, "You must be Tired."
That hit the nail on the head for me. That is exactly how I have felt for the previous 5 or 6 years. Always stopping myself or holding my tongue. Looking the other way when I notice someone. Not ever feeling like I had someone to talk about the inner-workings, the monologue. All that work to try to prevent any conflict or confrontation. I know why I did in the past but I can't do that in the future.
Tired.
Ya, I'm quite tired of living like that. Acceptance, normalization of myself, understanding the strange and living it. That is what I have to do. Otherwise I will live a life unfulfilled and unhappy.
It's funny how something that you've known all along, is also something you sometimes end up hiding and working against the most. I know that I have been queer since high school. My favorite teacher, Mr. Case, helped me realize that years ago. But I spent most of my time since then repressing that, thinking that it wasn't right. But privately, quietly, I could be myself in the fandom. It makes more sense now that I'm thinking about it. I could live out thoughts and fantasy, and it didn't result in much negativity in my public life.
I realized fairly recently that I have to embrace it. For a time, being anywhere near the fandom brought me a lot of shame. Openly I would always laugh furries off. But I still managed to find myself somewhere on FA, reddit...the internet, in those early parts of the morning enjoying myself, the work of others and feeling content.
So what now? I'm tired. Tired but moving forward. I'm quite lucky to have made some supportive friends in both the queer and furry communities. But I am the one that is responsible for my happiness. And frankly, this week has been one of the better one's in my adult life. Sure I haven't figured out what my next job will be like (medicine? physics? entomology?) but coming into my personal self has been, apparently, much more important. I haven't felt anxious all week, I haven't felt the need to lie to myself, and I have been able to smile more.
That's how I want to live. More importantly, that's how I am going to live.
I had always been somewhat repressing who I am on a variety of levels, to allow the people around me to have their pre-conceived notion of me be correct. I don't what to disappoint people or upset them. In the past I have had to ensure the happiness of others before that of my own. That resulted in a great deal of self loathing and hatred about my sexuality, my likes, and ultimately my life. As someone close to me has recently described, "You must be Tired."
That hit the nail on the head for me. That is exactly how I have felt for the previous 5 or 6 years. Always stopping myself or holding my tongue. Looking the other way when I notice someone. Not ever feeling like I had someone to talk about the inner-workings, the monologue. All that work to try to prevent any conflict or confrontation. I know why I did in the past but I can't do that in the future.
Tired.
Ya, I'm quite tired of living like that. Acceptance, normalization of myself, understanding the strange and living it. That is what I have to do. Otherwise I will live a life unfulfilled and unhappy.
It's funny how something that you've known all along, is also something you sometimes end up hiding and working against the most. I know that I have been queer since high school. My favorite teacher, Mr. Case, helped me realize that years ago. But I spent most of my time since then repressing that, thinking that it wasn't right. But privately, quietly, I could be myself in the fandom. It makes more sense now that I'm thinking about it. I could live out thoughts and fantasy, and it didn't result in much negativity in my public life.
I realized fairly recently that I have to embrace it. For a time, being anywhere near the fandom brought me a lot of shame. Openly I would always laugh furries off. But I still managed to find myself somewhere on FA, reddit...the internet, in those early parts of the morning enjoying myself, the work of others and feeling content.
So what now? I'm tired. Tired but moving forward. I'm quite lucky to have made some supportive friends in both the queer and furry communities. But I am the one that is responsible for my happiness. And frankly, this week has been one of the better one's in my adult life. Sure I haven't figured out what my next job will be like (medicine? physics? entomology?) but coming into my personal self has been, apparently, much more important. I haven't felt anxious all week, I haven't felt the need to lie to myself, and I have been able to smile more.
That's how I want to live. More importantly, that's how I am going to live.
