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Well this isn't good...
9 years ago
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★[center]❤Hello Gorgeous~❤
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★[center]❤Hello Gorgeous~❤
So I've really been trying lately to cut down on the negativity and honestly keep my problems to myself so that I don't bother anyone with them, bu I kinda feel like I'm about to burst.
So what I'm saying is, this is a vent journal and if you don't want to read something sad/negative/unhappy, go ahead and click out of here. Trust me, I wont be offended.
Let me start with the fact that I have a lot of medical issues. Anxiety, Asthma, and IBS for sure. Also I have to be pretty careful because a whole slew of things seem to run in my family that I don't even want to get into. But the thing is, lately I've been having a new issue that scares me quite badly.
I've been waking up not breathing.
Luckily it's only when I lay on my back, so rolling onto my side fixes the problem. But it's still scary as hell. I was trying to read it up online because I don't have any money or medical insurance to see a doctor with, and it ranges anywhere from Sleep Apnea to Heart Failure.
Honestly I'm trying not to to think about the worse things and I really hope it's something simple like my Asthma acting up worse or even just post nasal drip.
On top of this, it's been kicking my Anxiety into high gear. Part of the reason I have such trouble dealing with this is because I literally can't take the medications for these things. A lot of them I'm allergic too (like when the doctor nearly killed me with asthma meds. Not even exaggerating. Work wanted to send me to the emergency room on the spot. That was fun) OR they make me sick.
I've been trying to do herbal remedies and things, but when you get really low on money, it's hard to get your supplies to do so.
I've also been drinking WAY too much coffee lately. Partially it's because I like the taste, but I also rely on the caffeine WAY too heavily. I've been drinking anywhere from 1/2 a pot to a whole pot of coffee a day. This is highly unhealthy and could lead to crazy things like high blood pressure later in life if I don't stop. So once I run out of the current coffee I have, I might try to switch over to drinking primarily tea instead. It's way healthier and I can incorporate the herbal remedy stuff into it.
It might also make me a lot happier in the long run. I've been having a lot of sadness randomly smacking me in the face lately. A stupid thought will cross my mind like: I have these new, really great friends, but how long will it take them to get bored of me and move on?
And then it all spirals downwards and I feel like I'm going to cry just because I focused on a fleeting thought for too long. I might be because of things that have happened in the past. But at the same time, I really feel like I'm not good enough to be around the people I've been around lately. I feel like I annoy them even though I just really want to talk to them because they're exciting and sweet and fun!
And then there's the whole...relationship thing. I don't even know how to feel about this subject anymore. People look at me funny when they see I'm 26 and I don't have a significant other at all. The only people who seem to be attracted to me are really unhealthy for me. AKA my last ex in particular, but it still applies to others from the past. The people I'm attracted to never want anything to do with me. I'm not pretty enough. I don't draw well enough for them. I have no money. So I have no qualities that they actually like.
So I've tried to semi-dabble in Polyamory. Kinda of..Still really fuzzy on that that word even means anymore because theoretically it SHOULD mean someone who is having full-fledged, equal-value relationships with multiple people, but everyone seems to have turned it into 'you sleep around with whomever you feel like even if you're in a relationship'. I don't even know anymore.
Point being, I've tried to basically get rid of my sexual urges with friends, or people I do actually like as more than a friend. Because in a way my roomie takes care of some of my emotional needs. But then I run into a BIG problem.
Two of the friends I have slept with that I made PERFECTLY CLEAR we were just going to be friends, nothing more (I didn't want a relationship. We're just friends who fuck occasionally, THAT'S ALL) then went and got IMMEDIATELY clingy after we slept together. It makes me uncomfortable in that case because we established from the get-go, no strings attached. But they get all possessive and overly-clingy to the point of sometimes making me feel smothered and...as much as I want someone to be with, I REALLY don't like that.
Like, I know I can get clingy, but this was RIDICULOUS.
At this point in my life I think I can really only handle long distance. I don't have enough time to try and do what these people expect me to do. Which is literally drop everything and all of my friends and go spend all of my time with them doing whatever they want. I don't dig that.
Anyway, that was MOST of what was bothering me. Glad I got that off my chest.
If you actually read through all of that, I commend you and also apologize because I know it was a whole slew of shit. ;w;
So what I'm saying is, this is a vent journal and if you don't want to read something sad/negative/unhappy, go ahead and click out of here. Trust me, I wont be offended.
Let me start with the fact that I have a lot of medical issues. Anxiety, Asthma, and IBS for sure. Also I have to be pretty careful because a whole slew of things seem to run in my family that I don't even want to get into. But the thing is, lately I've been having a new issue that scares me quite badly.
I've been waking up not breathing.
Luckily it's only when I lay on my back, so rolling onto my side fixes the problem. But it's still scary as hell. I was trying to read it up online because I don't have any money or medical insurance to see a doctor with, and it ranges anywhere from Sleep Apnea to Heart Failure.
Honestly I'm trying not to to think about the worse things and I really hope it's something simple like my Asthma acting up worse or even just post nasal drip.
On top of this, it's been kicking my Anxiety into high gear. Part of the reason I have such trouble dealing with this is because I literally can't take the medications for these things. A lot of them I'm allergic too (like when the doctor nearly killed me with asthma meds. Not even exaggerating. Work wanted to send me to the emergency room on the spot. That was fun) OR they make me sick.
I've been trying to do herbal remedies and things, but when you get really low on money, it's hard to get your supplies to do so.
I've also been drinking WAY too much coffee lately. Partially it's because I like the taste, but I also rely on the caffeine WAY too heavily. I've been drinking anywhere from 1/2 a pot to a whole pot of coffee a day. This is highly unhealthy and could lead to crazy things like high blood pressure later in life if I don't stop. So once I run out of the current coffee I have, I might try to switch over to drinking primarily tea instead. It's way healthier and I can incorporate the herbal remedy stuff into it.
It might also make me a lot happier in the long run. I've been having a lot of sadness randomly smacking me in the face lately. A stupid thought will cross my mind like: I have these new, really great friends, but how long will it take them to get bored of me and move on?
And then it all spirals downwards and I feel like I'm going to cry just because I focused on a fleeting thought for too long. I might be because of things that have happened in the past. But at the same time, I really feel like I'm not good enough to be around the people I've been around lately. I feel like I annoy them even though I just really want to talk to them because they're exciting and sweet and fun!
And then there's the whole...relationship thing. I don't even know how to feel about this subject anymore. People look at me funny when they see I'm 26 and I don't have a significant other at all. The only people who seem to be attracted to me are really unhealthy for me. AKA my last ex in particular, but it still applies to others from the past. The people I'm attracted to never want anything to do with me. I'm not pretty enough. I don't draw well enough for them. I have no money. So I have no qualities that they actually like.
So I've tried to semi-dabble in Polyamory. Kinda of..Still really fuzzy on that that word even means anymore because theoretically it SHOULD mean someone who is having full-fledged, equal-value relationships with multiple people, but everyone seems to have turned it into 'you sleep around with whomever you feel like even if you're in a relationship'. I don't even know anymore.
Point being, I've tried to basically get rid of my sexual urges with friends, or people I do actually like as more than a friend. Because in a way my roomie takes care of some of my emotional needs. But then I run into a BIG problem.
Two of the friends I have slept with that I made PERFECTLY CLEAR we were just going to be friends, nothing more (I didn't want a relationship. We're just friends who fuck occasionally, THAT'S ALL) then went and got IMMEDIATELY clingy after we slept together. It makes me uncomfortable in that case because we established from the get-go, no strings attached. But they get all possessive and overly-clingy to the point of sometimes making me feel smothered and...as much as I want someone to be with, I REALLY don't like that.
Like, I know I can get clingy, but this was RIDICULOUS.
At this point in my life I think I can really only handle long distance. I don't have enough time to try and do what these people expect me to do. Which is literally drop everything and all of my friends and go spend all of my time with them doing whatever they want. I don't dig that.
Anyway, that was MOST of what was bothering me. Glad I got that off my chest.
If you actually read through all of that, I commend you and also apologize because I know it was a whole slew of shit. ;w;
