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I think I need to get some things off my chest
9 years ago
General
I'll give you a quick warning, this journal's gonna be one of those venty ones about my personal life and stuff.
I've really been at polarizing ends on debating whether or not I should really post some public complaints online. On the one hand, I've typed out so many depressing tweets that I take a second look at and then promptly delete for realizing no one really wants to hear about what a bad day I'm having, and on the other I really would like some kind of acknowledgement. Something to -see- that I'm not just sitting here twiddling my thumbs and delaying my work when anxiety is creeping up on me like some sort of creepy-thing-sneaking-up-on-me analogy.
"Polarizing" is a choice word to use, as I both simultaneously think I have it made in the world, and yet have all the problems too; I guess it just falls under my current mood.
It's difficult to count my blessings because when I do I realize that I have so many that I really don't feel like I have any right to complain when so many people are in much worse positions than I am.
I'm not abused, I'm not homeless; I don't even have to leave my house for groceries or work - I have food delivered to my door with farm supplies to keep everything at my house in shape, and I have some income from doing commission work.
So why do I complain?? Is it only human to crave more??
Maybe I just don't feel like I'm building towards anything. The money I do get is stashed away to spend on video games when they go on sale, not unlike some drug addict pinching his pennies for his next fix to keep the pain and monotony of everyday life at a manageable level.
I can definitely tell I'm UN-happy, that's for sure. I feel like the last couple of years have been this steady decline in my life where I have no real end-game, and I'm just rolling through the days. Hell, when I don't have internet, I don't even know what day it is. I don't feel like I'm living the life I WANT to live.
I think I want to get out of my house, or live somewhere else. I've always wanted to live in the city or something - somewhere where people could see me. I stopped giving a shit about how I looked a long time ago. I used to have fancy haircuts and have a special fashion code for my week, but now I just rot in my little corner in front of the computer typing regularly with two or three people.
It's difficult to exercise my social skills when I'm locked in a house and I'm too shy to post myself online because of a crippling fear of other people online.
I don't know how to act online. I have a hard time being myself because of my polarizing thoughts and emotions.
Like, before my Lillian ask blog on tumblr, I'd tried making a couple other tumblr accounts to try it out, but I just didn't get it. I just wanted to join in on the big social thing that everyone seems to be doing - especially when people seem LIKE THEY'RE IN THE SAME BOAT AS ME. People with enough privilege to have computers, internet, unfavorable living conditions, no jobs, limited education, and all who seem to be suffering from varying levels of social anxiety.
It's something I just... feel like I want to reach out and be a part of but GOSH DANG HOW. I don't know how shit works, I don't know what kind of content to produce to get the attention of those I want to interact with.
I've tried being a porn artist, but now I just kinda look back at older stuff like some sort of stepping stone to where I am and have little interest in going back.
Posting comics here on FA gets real limited results, and most of the asks that I get on tumblr come from my FA followers anyway.
I don't know if I'm just not posting quality content, or not ENOUGH content, I mean I know I'm often real slow at producing art, but shit takes time, ugh, I'm tryinggg
fuck, the more I type, the more I feel like I'm just throwing my own pity party. And in typing this, other things have come up and I'm just feeling woooorseehrdjhjhfgjdhg
I can't leave my house, there's nowhere for me to go out there. I have things delivered because the outside world is terrifying and I don't feel like I want to be a part of it. So my only option is the internet, but I have no idea how to present myself here.
I'm also afraid of the peers I already have watching me fumble around and trying other things and having them not work.
I've been real tempted to just... delete everything. Everything. Get rid of my FA, my twitter, my tumblr... like there's no real point and I might as well just be alone.
I went through a lot in the past year or so to get to where I am right now, from struggling to find out exactly what kind of art I wanna produce, to how I get money, and one really, really hard breakup.
But I guess I'll just... keep all my stuff for now. Ride this out a little longer. Keep working on commissions, keep working on comics. It's all I -can- do, I guess.
again, I.. really don't like posting something like this. I've been writing this for over an hour, looking over it again and again, thinking I'm just a big whiner.
I know everyone has it rough.
But I've been holding all this frustration in for a really long time with very little places to vent and it's exhausting.
tl;dr, I've just been having a lot of irl issues and struggle to socialize even though I'm really trying hard and need some help or something
I've really been at polarizing ends on debating whether or not I should really post some public complaints online. On the one hand, I've typed out so many depressing tweets that I take a second look at and then promptly delete for realizing no one really wants to hear about what a bad day I'm having, and on the other I really would like some kind of acknowledgement. Something to -see- that I'm not just sitting here twiddling my thumbs and delaying my work when anxiety is creeping up on me like some sort of creepy-thing-sneaking-up-on-me analogy.
"Polarizing" is a choice word to use, as I both simultaneously think I have it made in the world, and yet have all the problems too; I guess it just falls under my current mood.
It's difficult to count my blessings because when I do I realize that I have so many that I really don't feel like I have any right to complain when so many people are in much worse positions than I am.
I'm not abused, I'm not homeless; I don't even have to leave my house for groceries or work - I have food delivered to my door with farm supplies to keep everything at my house in shape, and I have some income from doing commission work.
So why do I complain?? Is it only human to crave more??
Maybe I just don't feel like I'm building towards anything. The money I do get is stashed away to spend on video games when they go on sale, not unlike some drug addict pinching his pennies for his next fix to keep the pain and monotony of everyday life at a manageable level.
I can definitely tell I'm UN-happy, that's for sure. I feel like the last couple of years have been this steady decline in my life where I have no real end-game, and I'm just rolling through the days. Hell, when I don't have internet, I don't even know what day it is. I don't feel like I'm living the life I WANT to live.
I think I want to get out of my house, or live somewhere else. I've always wanted to live in the city or something - somewhere where people could see me. I stopped giving a shit about how I looked a long time ago. I used to have fancy haircuts and have a special fashion code for my week, but now I just rot in my little corner in front of the computer typing regularly with two or three people.
It's difficult to exercise my social skills when I'm locked in a house and I'm too shy to post myself online because of a crippling fear of other people online.
I don't know how to act online. I have a hard time being myself because of my polarizing thoughts and emotions.
Like, before my Lillian ask blog on tumblr, I'd tried making a couple other tumblr accounts to try it out, but I just didn't get it. I just wanted to join in on the big social thing that everyone seems to be doing - especially when people seem LIKE THEY'RE IN THE SAME BOAT AS ME. People with enough privilege to have computers, internet, unfavorable living conditions, no jobs, limited education, and all who seem to be suffering from varying levels of social anxiety.
It's something I just... feel like I want to reach out and be a part of but GOSH DANG HOW. I don't know how shit works, I don't know what kind of content to produce to get the attention of those I want to interact with.
I've tried being a porn artist, but now I just kinda look back at older stuff like some sort of stepping stone to where I am and have little interest in going back.
Posting comics here on FA gets real limited results, and most of the asks that I get on tumblr come from my FA followers anyway.
I don't know if I'm just not posting quality content, or not ENOUGH content, I mean I know I'm often real slow at producing art, but shit takes time, ugh, I'm tryinggg
fuck, the more I type, the more I feel like I'm just throwing my own pity party. And in typing this, other things have come up and I'm just feeling woooorseehrdjhjhfgjdhg
I can't leave my house, there's nowhere for me to go out there. I have things delivered because the outside world is terrifying and I don't feel like I want to be a part of it. So my only option is the internet, but I have no idea how to present myself here.
I'm also afraid of the peers I already have watching me fumble around and trying other things and having them not work.
I've been real tempted to just... delete everything. Everything. Get rid of my FA, my twitter, my tumblr... like there's no real point and I might as well just be alone.
I went through a lot in the past year or so to get to where I am right now, from struggling to find out exactly what kind of art I wanna produce, to how I get money, and one really, really hard breakup.
But I guess I'll just... keep all my stuff for now. Ride this out a little longer. Keep working on commissions, keep working on comics. It's all I -can- do, I guess.
again, I.. really don't like posting something like this. I've been writing this for over an hour, looking over it again and again, thinking I'm just a big whiner.
I know everyone has it rough.
But I've been holding all this frustration in for a really long time with very little places to vent and it's exhausting.
tl;dr, I've just been having a lot of irl issues and struggle to socialize even though I'm really trying hard and need some help or something
We all experience pain/suffering/grief/etc... all differently. Just because one person might seem like they are in a worse or better place then you doesn't necessarily mean that they are because there's no real way you can look at it objectively.
I'd say that what you should really do is just get some paper or your keyboard and just kinda write out what it is you think you want the most - and then everything following that. Having your objectives in front of you will help you come up with a game plan and address the issues in your life(style) that will have to be adjusted to make them come true.
I also understand a lot of the feelings that you have, since I'm always stuck inside and it's hard to formulate a good end-game when I'm just kinda of trapped in being content with being able to 'live' semi-decently. It's just that once you've actually got some objectives and ideas towards where you want to go, it makes it easier to start taking steps in that direction (albeit slowly, for me anyways it takes a while to work up to them). Most of the time I only end up working on towards what I want every few days, or maybe not even for a week or two. But the important thing is that I can sort of know; where I want to go, how i have to do it, and how often i have to do it for.
Thanks for reading and for the advice.
But yeah I mean it just helps trying to break out of the routine that you are currently in and working towards the one you want. The important thing is to remember it's not gonna be instant and you'll probably relapse or something and that's okay as long as you just keep trying!
It sounds like life has gotten too monotonous. I think a change would help a lot! A bit of exploring or even just meeting and talking to new people. It is really scary especially online, but I think if you put yourself out there more, things would be more exciting and fun. ^o^
That being said... I say that but I'm a major shut in too! Eek. Though, I'm fairly happy with the isolation, so please forgive me for not fully understanding your own views of it. I'm always here if you just need an ear to chatter to though. ^o^
I'll try to make some more of an effort to put myself out to be noticed, but I'm-- just not entirely sure -how- to go about that, I think. Like, I mentioned trying tumblr a couple times before settling on the Lillian ask blog, and even then, that's not really -me- on the internet as much as it is my character.
I'll muse over some ideas or something on.. how to remedy this. Maybe. I really feel like socializing shouldn't be this hard, like, how do some people just -make- a blog and then reblog everything in the world and make friends, I don't actually understand. I just wanna create content and be noticed, I think.
Thank you, again, for reading and offering some help. I really appreciate it!
And-- yeah, I think you got a good grasp on it the situation. Normally, I relish in my solitude and alone time, but I think it's gotten a bit uncomfortable or something. Or I'm just- yeah, seeking some change.
I honestly think the best way is to open up more opportunities for your watchers to interact with you! You always seem like a really cool person but then you feel a bit unapproachable most of the time because it just feels like it would be really creepy and weird for us to just out of no where message you like "hiii!" unless you made a journal saying you want people to message you. O3O Journals that work in fun little games or stories or interactive things are the main thing I see that gets people to pop their heads out of their hiding spots for a while. ^o^
It's good to get that out there, to talk to people. I have to remind myself that as well, I'm sort of the same way when it comes to posting my problems online. There's just some things I don't think people really need to know, or would care. It is discouraging.
It sounds like you're in a bit of a rut, (I was sort of in a similar place last year) maybe try taking little steps to get out of it?
And yeah- yeah, being in a rut is about the right way of putting it, I'd say. I'm not 100% sure how to climb out of it, buuuut I'm sure I'll find some way! Especially since I'm not feeling AS down as I was before writing this journal.
Actually, I think you may have made the first step.
First of all, it really doesn't seem like whining in the slightest. We're talking about your life, that seems like a pretty big deal to me, and any form acknowledging that you're unhappy with the way things are going is the first step in how you change things.
Now... I'm not sure how much I can advise on how to go about changing your life... Considering I'm still in the process of trying to get my own life together...
But life is tough. You hear that term being thrown around a lot, most of the time used rather lightly, but it does have a lot of truth to it. Life is extremely difficult. I've often felt like I've been wasting away what could be, and replacing it with really lame substitutes... Essentially living a life straight out of a discount bin. I always felt as though if I wanted a better life hard enough, it would become a reality. Long story short, I figured out I couldn't have been more wrong. Changing a life is something that requires a lot of work, and persistence. And that persistence is incredibly hard to build up. It takes time to change your life.
On the topic of not knowing how to act around others, though... I think I can understand completely. I have absolutely no idea how to act around strangers, sometimes even my friends. I want to be the most likable person that I can, but sometimes I get so worried about how I look, that it makes me too afraid to say anything to anyone at all. I feel like everyone's able to say whatever they want, but I'm always just too shy. Everyone I know says just to say something, that no one's really out to make fun of you, yet taking that jump, and joining the conversation, is the hardest part. I feel as though there's something pulling me back, and makes me want to not say anything. (Heck, I've rewritten entire parts of this message at least five times by now.)
What's my point? What's my lesson? I'm not too sure myself. I feel as though I talked too much about me... But I wanted you to know you're not alone in things like this. It's normal to want more out of life, It's normal to want to be more sociable. It's just a matter of getting there... eventually.
Ugh.. I'm so sorry, I feel like I've gone on for so long, but haven't really said anything. I just hope I can help.. at least a little bit.
...also... please don't delete your accounts... I enjoy seeing your art pop up every so often, even If I do lurk more than anything... ;u;
Don't be worry, it's super great to read, and it does help! It helps a lot knowing I have so many friends and followers that can relate - I feel like writing this journal -was- the step I needed to take in order to feel better and I'm glad I did.
And don't worry, I'm not going anywhere! I'm feeling better and- and everything. Kheheh, and don't worry, I do my fair share of lurking as well, right back at your stuff!
Again, like... thank you so much for commenting and relating, like- that makes me feel a lot less alone in all this.
but it's super good to hear that you're feeling a bit better!
I know you'll do great in life! Just don't stress yourself out thinking too far into the future, and you'll be fine! c: