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Depression
9 years ago
I'm not normally one to speak publicly about my mental health struggles, but I need to get some stuff off my chest, and here's the best place I can think of to do it.
I hate it so, so much when depression is romanticized. There's nothing pretty or artsy or romantic about depression. Nothing.
It's being in physical pain, but not caring enough to do anything about it.
It's flinching every time you accidentally glimpse yourself on something reflective, because you hate how tired you always look.
It's needing to fight a powerful urge to push away every person that's important to you.
It's being at war with yourself every day.
It's thinking "I'm tired of this life and want to die" to yourself and realizing that the thought is completely true.
It's scaring yourself with just how close to committing suicide you can get.
It's being profoundly empty in a way that neither food nor friends nor music nor sex can ever fill.
It's the complete inability to obtain even a shred of pleasure from the things you normally enjoy.
It's needing to be reminded that you aren't your disease because you struggle to differentiate the two.
It's sudden, intense crying spells that you can't predict and can't stop.
It's a hyper-awareness of your own thoughts, because any one could be the thought that starts a downturn.
It's being afraid that someone will find you sprawled out on the floor next to several empty pill bottles someday.
It's the deep exhaustion that expending energy to maintain an outward appearance of being fine causes.
It's having to force down food because you don't have an appetite and nothing tastes good anyway.
It's spending far too much time sleeping because sleep is an escape.
It's wanting to do something, but not having the energy to do anything.
It's standing in the shower and not having the motivation to properly wash yourself.
It's a pervasive sense of helplessness and of hopelessness that you'll ever improve.
It's not being able to remember who you actually are.
If you make jokes about depression, stop. If you joke about suicide, stop. If you think that people who say they're depressed are making it up to get attention, we're not. If you say that it can't be that serious, you don't know what you're talking about.
I hate it so, so much when depression is romanticized. There's nothing pretty or artsy or romantic about depression. Nothing.
It's being in physical pain, but not caring enough to do anything about it.
It's flinching every time you accidentally glimpse yourself on something reflective, because you hate how tired you always look.
It's needing to fight a powerful urge to push away every person that's important to you.
It's being at war with yourself every day.
It's thinking "I'm tired of this life and want to die" to yourself and realizing that the thought is completely true.
It's scaring yourself with just how close to committing suicide you can get.
It's being profoundly empty in a way that neither food nor friends nor music nor sex can ever fill.
It's the complete inability to obtain even a shred of pleasure from the things you normally enjoy.
It's needing to be reminded that you aren't your disease because you struggle to differentiate the two.
It's sudden, intense crying spells that you can't predict and can't stop.
It's a hyper-awareness of your own thoughts, because any one could be the thought that starts a downturn.
It's being afraid that someone will find you sprawled out on the floor next to several empty pill bottles someday.
It's the deep exhaustion that expending energy to maintain an outward appearance of being fine causes.
It's having to force down food because you don't have an appetite and nothing tastes good anyway.
It's spending far too much time sleeping because sleep is an escape.
It's wanting to do something, but not having the energy to do anything.
It's standing in the shower and not having the motivation to properly wash yourself.
It's a pervasive sense of helplessness and of hopelessness that you'll ever improve.
It's not being able to remember who you actually are.
If you make jokes about depression, stop. If you joke about suicide, stop. If you think that people who say they're depressed are making it up to get attention, we're not. If you say that it can't be that serious, you don't know what you're talking about.
Every day gets you closer to your goals and gets you farther away from this pain. I know from experience it is difficult, but you are a beautiful person. This world would not be nearly as bright without you here, because you shine even on your darkest days.
I was going to try to surprise you with this, but I've been thinking about coming out there next fall to see you.