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Setting things straight
9 years ago
I realize this is probably bad timing in light of the whole Felix thing (personally I'm more tore up about it than I should really be allowed to be), but unrelated events over the last week or so have placed suicide back on the table for me. Further, the painful memories from before are also starting to come back in force, so I am left with no choice but to consider it again. All told, I realize this is a bad time to have this journal here, but in my defense it's not like anyone cares enough to read my journals so I figure who is going to notice it?
This time, in light of the tragic loss of Felix and the questions surrounding why he left us, I feel maybe it's best I throw off some of the questions concerning my suicide plans, in case the people investigating my death decide to come all the way here to find answers. Ultimately, I am lonely and miserable. Being autistic makes it completely impossible for me to ever have friends, but it doesn't mean I don't desperately want some. Every effort I have ever made to have friends has had mixed results, ranging from simply fizzling out to people literally wanting me dead and everything in between. Most often, it is a case of "go away freak" because I'm just too weird and broken to be worth anyone's time. Of course all of my efforts to save my dying friendships only makes things so much worse, often leading to the wanting me dead result. Even as an autistic person, repeated losses like that are absolutely devastating and painful. All I truly wanted was a group, even a small one, of people who would be nice to me despite how broken I was and would let me be a part of it. But after 20+ years of this game, I have come to realize and accept that that simply is not possible, and that suicide is the only reasonable option to stop the anguish that comes with the loneliness. Even if someone does decide to let me into their life as a friend at this point, I'm afraid the past damage is far too great to ever be repaired, and that any efforts to interfere with my suicide plans will only delay the inevitable at this point.
This time, in light of the tragic loss of Felix and the questions surrounding why he left us, I feel maybe it's best I throw off some of the questions concerning my suicide plans, in case the people investigating my death decide to come all the way here to find answers. Ultimately, I am lonely and miserable. Being autistic makes it completely impossible for me to ever have friends, but it doesn't mean I don't desperately want some. Every effort I have ever made to have friends has had mixed results, ranging from simply fizzling out to people literally wanting me dead and everything in between. Most often, it is a case of "go away freak" because I'm just too weird and broken to be worth anyone's time. Of course all of my efforts to save my dying friendships only makes things so much worse, often leading to the wanting me dead result. Even as an autistic person, repeated losses like that are absolutely devastating and painful. All I truly wanted was a group, even a small one, of people who would be nice to me despite how broken I was and would let me be a part of it. But after 20+ years of this game, I have come to realize and accept that that simply is not possible, and that suicide is the only reasonable option to stop the anguish that comes with the loneliness. Even if someone does decide to let me into their life as a friend at this point, I'm afraid the past damage is far too great to ever be repaired, and that any efforts to interfere with my suicide plans will only delay the inevitable at this point.
please chat with me if you can.
Take care
Same. We both did snuff and I was super tempted to collaborate with him a year ago, but I dismissed him because he seemed pretentious and judgmental. I regret that deeply. I feel like I could have made the difference, but I bet everybody thinks that. Still, it wouldn't have hurt to try.
I learned to just talk to people. What's the worst that can happen?