Pls excuse the babbling you don't gotta read this if you don't want to.

I'm trying, and I need you to believe me. I am trying. Trying is all I seem to be doing these days, but I am trying. I'm trying to do my work, to take my medicine, to be a friend, and to not die. Trying is hard sometimes but I am trying. The meds don't work so I don't take them anymore. Plus, I ran out of muns to get them and didn't want to ask my parent's for more.

Mom said yes to helping fund my fursuit, but she didn't ask dad first so it's a no now. I now have to contact the maker and be like "Hey sorry I can't do this anymore".

I asked to take a semester off but I can't do that either because mom doesn't like the idea of me being here and not going to school. I told her it'd be so I could work and maybe get some experience or whatever but nope if I want to do that I have to come home. She specifically acts like she doesn't want me away. Well mom, it's been a year. I have a family here that actually understands what is happening. They don't yell at me here. They don't yell at me. THEY DON'T YELL AT ME HERE. They're better to me then you ever have been and the only reason I'm still talking to you is because I need money to go to college. I love it here and I can't go home but if my parents keep acting the way they do, I'm gonna feel pressured to go home. I'm pressured to go home to make THEM happier. Not me. Because her life is so hard without me. Because my sister is being mean to her. Maybe it's because she's learning to not take your shit anymore. It's better than I did.

The depression/anxiety cocktail has only become more saturated in my brain and I can't stop it. I need different meds but I'm scared to go to a doctor. Scared to cry in front of them. I can't cry in front of the one I love most because I'm too scared because mom told me to stop crying all the time. Crying in public is embarrassing to your mother and everyone else; you don't want to be an embarrassment, do you?

No. No I don't. But I feel like I am.