FA+
Shop
Random Ranting #238463729 (I think lol)
9 years ago
It's been over a year since I posted a journal. No literally. Holy crap. I'm dead to the world most times. Anyways there are many things I'd like to rant about. Like a lot.
I started 2016 off by going to a hospital everyday to visit a friend who became dangerously ill last thanksgiving. After being on the edge of life and death for four months he finally showed improvement and by March he was released. I was so happy and ready to take care of him at home. This boy means the world to me and I wanted nothing more at the time to see him all healthy again. Something about seeing a person you love, turn into this walking skeleton is terrifying. Sadly something came up and I had to go to New York for three months to help out my sister after she got surgery. Ya know cause I am the only one in the family without a job so no one else could do it. Not that I was too upset. I love my sis and her kids. I was just wary on bringing my friend back into the same house with his shitty step dad that he finally got free of. Now I see it was a bad idea but back then I had no choice :( :( :(
While in New York I suffered an existential crisis. (Lots of free time = brain over thinking A LOT) I was crying almost every day and freaking out about the distant future. How people my age were doing so much better than me. How people younger than me were doing so much better than me. It was really bad. I was thankful to have my sis nearby to talk me through a lot of the episodes, but it really helped to kick my ass into gear. I knew once I got home I needed to work on getting a job at least. One of the hardest struggles for me seeing as I have crippling social anxiety and cannot drive. (That's terrifying to me as well.)
After struggling for almost two years with a student loan from a college that closed a week after I graduated, it seems there is some light in the tunnel finally. The school board contacted me about a trial against the company that owned the schools, Everest, and how they were able to get my loan cleared out. Now I may not see that money I put into it already but that's a helluva lot better than having to pay off the whole damn thing. Especially since I hadn't been able to find more than a seasonal job the past few years. On the subjects of jobs. I finally found one. I mean it isn't the best job in the work, but I managed to get into a position that doesn't send me into panic attacks every few minutes. I'm part of the Wally World family, but I work later in the day with fewer people and I work with a group of amazing people that I really appreciate. It's harder some days than others to deal with my social anxiety, but I'm doing it day by day and I honestly feel it's helping me curb the anxiety as well. With this job I'm hoping to get good benefits, get back on my meds and actually get to see a therapist.
Compared to the other things I've written about this last thing seems kinda smol, but it means a lot to me. For a while, I've been struggling with my identity. More so my gender identity. I've recently begun to accept that I am a transman. I've finally allowed myself to say this openly everywhere... except in my home. I'm afraid my parents won't understand, and I'm not quite ready to stand on my own two feet just yet. So pissing them off and getting disowned is not an option sadly. To them. I'm just a girl who likes to dress like a boy and chop her hair really short. Anywhere else I'm a boy. I'm happy and proud. Yes, I have feminine tendencies, but who doesn't lol. My name is Ezra. And no I don't care about pronouns. I know I look feminine and that does not bother me unless you point it out after I ask you not to. Main point. I. am. happy.
That is most of the things I've been dealing with this passed couple of years. If you actually sat through all of this, Thank You. It really means a lot to me.
I started 2016 off by going to a hospital everyday to visit a friend who became dangerously ill last thanksgiving. After being on the edge of life and death for four months he finally showed improvement and by March he was released. I was so happy and ready to take care of him at home. This boy means the world to me and I wanted nothing more at the time to see him all healthy again. Something about seeing a person you love, turn into this walking skeleton is terrifying. Sadly something came up and I had to go to New York for three months to help out my sister after she got surgery. Ya know cause I am the only one in the family without a job so no one else could do it. Not that I was too upset. I love my sis and her kids. I was just wary on bringing my friend back into the same house with his shitty step dad that he finally got free of. Now I see it was a bad idea but back then I had no choice :( :( :(
While in New York I suffered an existential crisis. (Lots of free time = brain over thinking A LOT) I was crying almost every day and freaking out about the distant future. How people my age were doing so much better than me. How people younger than me were doing so much better than me. It was really bad. I was thankful to have my sis nearby to talk me through a lot of the episodes, but it really helped to kick my ass into gear. I knew once I got home I needed to work on getting a job at least. One of the hardest struggles for me seeing as I have crippling social anxiety and cannot drive. (That's terrifying to me as well.)
After struggling for almost two years with a student loan from a college that closed a week after I graduated, it seems there is some light in the tunnel finally. The school board contacted me about a trial against the company that owned the schools, Everest, and how they were able to get my loan cleared out. Now I may not see that money I put into it already but that's a helluva lot better than having to pay off the whole damn thing. Especially since I hadn't been able to find more than a seasonal job the past few years. On the subjects of jobs. I finally found one. I mean it isn't the best job in the work, but I managed to get into a position that doesn't send me into panic attacks every few minutes. I'm part of the Wally World family, but I work later in the day with fewer people and I work with a group of amazing people that I really appreciate. It's harder some days than others to deal with my social anxiety, but I'm doing it day by day and I honestly feel it's helping me curb the anxiety as well. With this job I'm hoping to get good benefits, get back on my meds and actually get to see a therapist.
Compared to the other things I've written about this last thing seems kinda smol, but it means a lot to me. For a while, I've been struggling with my identity. More so my gender identity. I've recently begun to accept that I am a transman. I've finally allowed myself to say this openly everywhere... except in my home. I'm afraid my parents won't understand, and I'm not quite ready to stand on my own two feet just yet. So pissing them off and getting disowned is not an option sadly. To them. I'm just a girl who likes to dress like a boy and chop her hair really short. Anywhere else I'm a boy. I'm happy and proud. Yes, I have feminine tendencies, but who doesn't lol. My name is Ezra. And no I don't care about pronouns. I know I look feminine and that does not bother me unless you point it out after I ask you not to. Main point. I. am. happy.
That is most of the things I've been dealing with this passed couple of years. If you actually sat through all of this, Thank You. It really means a lot to me.
