Hey guys, this is a first for me, I never thought I'd be one of the ones making a journal entry about my feelings and my issues in life, but I've been feeling so anxious and depressed these last few weeks that I need to say something, anything, about what i'm feeling and why. So here it goes.

As of late, I've been ill at ease with certain things in life that are inevitable, namely death. Up until now, the concept of death was not something I worried about a whole lot, I accepted it as just a part of life that we all must face someday and went on living my life happily, just like any person would. But within the last several weeks, something about the concept of death just began to Gnaw away at my sense of happiness like a parasite, and I just couldn't figure out what it was, until now. It's not so much the concept of death that frightens me, it's the concept of dying alone.

The fear of dying alone is a dreadful, gut-wrenching concept for me, and the very idea that I might go through life lonely and without feeling that closeness, that primal comfort that you get when you wake up next to someone you care for, and feeling that deep warmth in your chest and on your skin when you're close to them both physically and emotionally, is a thought that drives me far into depression, and on more than one occasion has caused me to break down sobbing. It gets so bad that I'm actually having a hard time writing this without crying. But even having someone to live with and love forever comes with it's own dreadful thoughts about death for me, namely the concept of knowing that, eventually, you'll both be gone and what you love right now will not last forever, is equally depressing in it's own right.

Now, on paper, anyone who knows me personally might look at me and think that the idea of me worrying about death and dying unloved and alone is downright laughable. I'm only in my mid twenties, and am quite healthy, I have a fairly decent income, my mother lives here, as well as my Grandparents, dogs, sister, and my brother lives fairly close by, and I'm on great terms with all of them, so why am I feeling like this?

I don't fucking know, I just don't.

Maybe I'm going through a quarter life crisis, maybe I'm tired of being single, maybe I'm just whiny and scared of things I shouldn't be scared of. But anyone who knows depression and anxiety knows just how crippling it can be on any aspect of your life, and once you latch on to something to be depressed and/or anxious about, it seems downright impossible to even deal with it at times. It's like a weight that drags you down, and it makes me feel like i'll never be able to feel that primal comfort of having another living being to love with all my heart, and that I'll have to face death alone, knowing that I was never loved, not even by someone who's affections I didn't return.

But don't worry, as bad as my depression can get at times, I've never once considered suicide, and I never will. But at the same time, I do often feel helpless to the point where I can see why some people would feel so compelled to do the unthinkable. So let me end this journal with some encouragement.

I'm a weak, frightened man who is often unsure of himself and gets sad very easily, but I know that I can achieve the happiness that my depression often tells me is completely out of reach. If someone like me can be capable of believing that, then trust me, you're capable of it too. Depression and loneliness is a vicious beast, but it doesn't need to rule you. You can live.