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Story Review: Judy's Little Vacation.
9 years ago
Way back when, before I wrote myself and when I used Tumblr, a feature I would often do is to review stories people would show me. In a way, it is kind of how I got into writing. 
PantherCub recently showed me a Zootopia story he made that is somewhat similar to my own, so I would like to start by giving a shoutout to him, and to suggest that if you are into weird diaper stuff like I am, tot you go and read it because this review will spoil it. Link is here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/21886079/
Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story and the review. If you are looking to get into, or improve your own writing, there are some good tips in there, although keep in mind this is all my opinion, so if you disagree with it, that is fine. If you disagree with it, let me know in the comments! Without furtuer ado, here is my review, although it is framed like I am talking to the author, so if you are not the author, it might seem a bit weird. Just imagine you are.
***
I promised a review, so here it is. I am going to be typing my thoughts as I read through the story. First thing's first, it would be better if you had uploaded it as a TXT file, then no download is needed, and more people would read it.
To start with, I thought you captured the character's personalities reasonably well, the dialog was pretty much spot on, although the starting paragraphs could have used a bit more description about where they were and what they were doing to help build a picture in your reader's head. Same with the brief action scene, I thought you could describe the actions more thoroughly.
"Darkham correctional facility?" Too Subtle! lol. Seriously, I don't even really know Batman and even I thought that was too obvious.
Personally, I am not a fan of expressing character's thoughts as dialog. As far as I am concerned, saying what your characters think is fine, but having it like dialog is weird, because thoughts don't really work like that, you know what you think, but it is not the same as talking, plus in this they are in italics, but if it was in plain text, I would personally just say "Bellwether couldn't believe those idiots were using the exact same system she had helped set up" and it would make more sense. Also, your description of the character's actions gets better by the Bellwether scene.
"Bellwether electronically the money she had promised" You are missing a word here, just a minor grammatical error. Already I am seeing a passing resemblance to my Judy story. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt though, I wouldn't even care if it was based on mine, I base my stuff on other people's work all the time. I am not saying I think it is directly based on mine, though I have a feeling you saw the same pic I based my story off.
You do not need to say when you switch POV. Anyone with half a brain will be able to tell whose POV it is from. I would suggest you use some kind of symbol for a scene break. Personally, I use "***" on a line of its own to indicate a scene transition, but many authors use many different symbols, you can trust your readers to know whose POV each scene is from.
I think it is time I said this, I am not a fan of automated babying machines. At all. I feel they lack the personal touch, and I find it far hotter when it is another person doing it, it being a machine just feels soulless, and it is far less humiliating for the person on the receiving end, which makes it less fun. I get this is a story and all, but the way they are usually drawn is ridiculous too. They usually look like something out of Dr Seuss, and I can't say I find anything Dr Seuss related sexy! Plus, can you imagine programming one of those things? There is a reason production line robots are simple and perform one task, it is because they are hard to program, especially for doing this kind of stuff, it just isn't realistic. I get that it's furry porn and all, but I still like my stories to feel like they could actually happen to somebody in the real world! Anyway, that is my little rant over, I will give the rest of the story the benefit of the doubt and maybe just imagine it is a person doing it to her, that will probably make it more appealing to me, and I will still be able to enjoy it if it is hot.
"take her blood pressure scanned her eyes. " Missing another word here.
Rectal temperature taking? Hell. Yes. I always love when this is included in stories, I find it incredibly hot and usually enjoy anything it is in. My only complaint is that it was over too fast. You could have had it held in there for a good while, have it slowly warm up to her body temperature, describe how it felt inside her and how she clenched against it before relaxing and submitting to it, I feel like it is a bit of a missed opportunity, but I still found what was there hot. Also you could have put more description into the spanking, I don't like spanking as much as rectal temp taking, but plenty of people like it, and if you say how it felt and how fast and hard the hits were I am sure readers would appreciate it.
While drugging is not my favorite thing in the world, I feel it can fit well in these type of stories, and it can be hot, although I really feel like Judy could have reacted more to having needles stuck in her bunny buns. I appreciate she is still trying to escape though, Judy wouldn't give up just yet!
"which she tried to sip out" Typo here. Why Sip when you can spit?
I notice you used the word "Padded." While it is a word many people use I am not a fan, it always takes me out of the story since it is a babyfur/diaperfur word, and is not really used outside this community.
Was she searching through toys for half an hour? That seemed to go awfully fast.
While I like force feeding in theory, I have never enjoyed it in any story, which is weird. I think your description is fine though.
"fill the back of her diapers" Is she suddenly wearing more than one diaper?
This is a common criticism, but the wetting and messing went by far too fast. How did resisting it feel? How did it feel when she finally lost control? Both physically and emotionally. How did it feel in her diaper? If you say how it felt, then your reader can put themselves in her place more easily, and if they are into that kind of thing, which I am, then it makes it far hotter. See some of my stories for examples of this.
"she was feeling very tire now" Another typo.
Personally not a fan of brainwashing. I just find it creepy, is it just me or is having your memory and personality erased one of the scariest things imaginable? Didn't get too creepy in this though, it was just implied. I also liked how Bellwether was watching, although it would have been better if Judy had known.
Overall, I liked the story. I thought the robot arm thing was kind of silly and a several places were lacking in detail, I found it sufficiently hot, and I think your writing skills, while already above average, still show room for improvement, with some more refinement, detail, and proof reading, I think you could be great, and I would happily recommend this story, even though not everything in it was to my taste. For a sequel I would recommend more detail in the humiliating and sexy parts, like the spanking, temp taking, force feeding, diapering, messing, and changing, as well as Judy formulating a plan to escape, but also starting to kind of enjoy it because the brainwashing is having a bit of an effect on her, I think there is a good opportunity to explore her internal struggle here. I would happily read any follow up to this and I hope you take some of my criticism and suggestions on-board.
PantherCub recently showed me a Zootopia story he made that is somewhat similar to my own, so I would like to start by giving a shoutout to him, and to suggest that if you are into weird diaper stuff like I am, tot you go and read it because this review will spoil it. Link is here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/21886079/Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story and the review. If you are looking to get into, or improve your own writing, there are some good tips in there, although keep in mind this is all my opinion, so if you disagree with it, that is fine. If you disagree with it, let me know in the comments! Without furtuer ado, here is my review, although it is framed like I am talking to the author, so if you are not the author, it might seem a bit weird. Just imagine you are.
***
I promised a review, so here it is. I am going to be typing my thoughts as I read through the story. First thing's first, it would be better if you had uploaded it as a TXT file, then no download is needed, and more people would read it.
To start with, I thought you captured the character's personalities reasonably well, the dialog was pretty much spot on, although the starting paragraphs could have used a bit more description about where they were and what they were doing to help build a picture in your reader's head. Same with the brief action scene, I thought you could describe the actions more thoroughly.
"Darkham correctional facility?" Too Subtle! lol. Seriously, I don't even really know Batman and even I thought that was too obvious.
Personally, I am not a fan of expressing character's thoughts as dialog. As far as I am concerned, saying what your characters think is fine, but having it like dialog is weird, because thoughts don't really work like that, you know what you think, but it is not the same as talking, plus in this they are in italics, but if it was in plain text, I would personally just say "Bellwether couldn't believe those idiots were using the exact same system she had helped set up" and it would make more sense. Also, your description of the character's actions gets better by the Bellwether scene.
"Bellwether electronically the money she had promised" You are missing a word here, just a minor grammatical error. Already I am seeing a passing resemblance to my Judy story. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt though, I wouldn't even care if it was based on mine, I base my stuff on other people's work all the time. I am not saying I think it is directly based on mine, though I have a feeling you saw the same pic I based my story off.
You do not need to say when you switch POV. Anyone with half a brain will be able to tell whose POV it is from. I would suggest you use some kind of symbol for a scene break. Personally, I use "***" on a line of its own to indicate a scene transition, but many authors use many different symbols, you can trust your readers to know whose POV each scene is from.
I think it is time I said this, I am not a fan of automated babying machines. At all. I feel they lack the personal touch, and I find it far hotter when it is another person doing it, it being a machine just feels soulless, and it is far less humiliating for the person on the receiving end, which makes it less fun. I get this is a story and all, but the way they are usually drawn is ridiculous too. They usually look like something out of Dr Seuss, and I can't say I find anything Dr Seuss related sexy! Plus, can you imagine programming one of those things? There is a reason production line robots are simple and perform one task, it is because they are hard to program, especially for doing this kind of stuff, it just isn't realistic. I get that it's furry porn and all, but I still like my stories to feel like they could actually happen to somebody in the real world! Anyway, that is my little rant over, I will give the rest of the story the benefit of the doubt and maybe just imagine it is a person doing it to her, that will probably make it more appealing to me, and I will still be able to enjoy it if it is hot.
"take her blood pressure scanned her eyes. " Missing another word here.
Rectal temperature taking? Hell. Yes. I always love when this is included in stories, I find it incredibly hot and usually enjoy anything it is in. My only complaint is that it was over too fast. You could have had it held in there for a good while, have it slowly warm up to her body temperature, describe how it felt inside her and how she clenched against it before relaxing and submitting to it, I feel like it is a bit of a missed opportunity, but I still found what was there hot. Also you could have put more description into the spanking, I don't like spanking as much as rectal temp taking, but plenty of people like it, and if you say how it felt and how fast and hard the hits were I am sure readers would appreciate it.
While drugging is not my favorite thing in the world, I feel it can fit well in these type of stories, and it can be hot, although I really feel like Judy could have reacted more to having needles stuck in her bunny buns. I appreciate she is still trying to escape though, Judy wouldn't give up just yet!
"which she tried to sip out" Typo here. Why Sip when you can spit?
I notice you used the word "Padded." While it is a word many people use I am not a fan, it always takes me out of the story since it is a babyfur/diaperfur word, and is not really used outside this community.
Was she searching through toys for half an hour? That seemed to go awfully fast.
While I like force feeding in theory, I have never enjoyed it in any story, which is weird. I think your description is fine though.
"fill the back of her diapers" Is she suddenly wearing more than one diaper?
This is a common criticism, but the wetting and messing went by far too fast. How did resisting it feel? How did it feel when she finally lost control? Both physically and emotionally. How did it feel in her diaper? If you say how it felt, then your reader can put themselves in her place more easily, and if they are into that kind of thing, which I am, then it makes it far hotter. See some of my stories for examples of this.
"she was feeling very tire now" Another typo.
Personally not a fan of brainwashing. I just find it creepy, is it just me or is having your memory and personality erased one of the scariest things imaginable? Didn't get too creepy in this though, it was just implied. I also liked how Bellwether was watching, although it would have been better if Judy had known.
Overall, I liked the story. I thought the robot arm thing was kind of silly and a several places were lacking in detail, I found it sufficiently hot, and I think your writing skills, while already above average, still show room for improvement, with some more refinement, detail, and proof reading, I think you could be great, and I would happily recommend this story, even though not everything in it was to my taste. For a sequel I would recommend more detail in the humiliating and sexy parts, like the spanking, temp taking, force feeding, diapering, messing, and changing, as well as Judy formulating a plan to escape, but also starting to kind of enjoy it because the brainwashing is having a bit of an effect on her, I think there is a good opportunity to explore her internal struggle here. I would happily read any follow up to this and I hope you take some of my criticism and suggestions on-board.
