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AN OPEN LETTER
9 years ago
COMMISSION STATUS: Open!
TRADE STATUS: Open! But please ask first!
REQUEST STATUS: Closed!
TRADE STATUS: Open! But please ask first!
REQUEST STATUS: Closed!
I don't miss you. Don't think that.
I miss how close of a fucking friendship we had. Sharing parents. Houses. Fanfictions. Everything. I miss having that kind of friendship. But maybe that's because now I'm older, and no one, not even myself, has time for doing much of anything.
Or perhaps it was because we were so unique together that I never really noticed how distant I became to others...
You were poison, but it was sweet until I started suffocating. Or maybe you weren't fatal at all, and I was just choking on you as I consumed too much... Maybe it was both. Maybe you're not fatal until in large quantities...
Maybe having too much on my plate all at once has finally started getting to me... Making me miss how close a suffocating friendship we had.
You once asked me, quietly... "I try too hard, don't I?"
Maybe I should have been honest with you. Except... I already was. Earlier, when I figured it out. Late at night, or early in the morning, whichever it was... However late it may be, perhaps you'll see this honest response, too late to make a difference.
Yes. You tried far too hard to get something I didn't want. I won't say you didn't want it either, because I know you rather did for a while.
I was immature, acting far older than even my wise personality was capable of being.
I was greedy. I'll readily admit it. But you should too. You hoarded me and my friendship much like the beast you pose as. I used you, and you used me, but our uses were vastly different.
I was hurting. Obviously not as much as I have been recently, but the hurt just increases with age and overall stress. Not because of the specific events between us. Mental illness is a bitch, and I know you know this.
I was freshly single, in the middle of our time together. So I hurt even worse than I had been beforehand. Maybe that was a big part of why I didn't want what you tried to pressure us into. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for that, even now.
I'm petty. Many times, I am petty, and I accept that. Maybe you can be sometimes, too. Maybe not. I don't know you anymore.
Many times I have cheered at some of your small losses or failures. Even with underlying sorrow that I can't seem to be rid of completely. Many times I've also been grudgingly proud, even though I wish I wasn't. Again, that sorrow is still there, underneath. Louder than in my pettiness.
I do wish you would say you're sorry. And I do wish I would say I'm sorry. It probably wouldn't make much of a difference, if it made one at all. It might relieve the both of us, some. Then again, it might not. Emotions are fickle that way.
I'm a coward. I'm prideful. I'm stubborn.
I want to say, "Sometimes, so are you." Or, were, I guess. But that might cause more bad blood between us. I'd rather not have that all anew, thanks.
I want to say "fuck you" and "I'm sorry" all at the same time. But obviously, it's too late for that now. All I can do now is write this open letter.
To you. To myself. To anyone in a similar situation. Or one completely different.
Maybe someday this will mean something. Right now, I just hope it means relief for me.
After all, I've admitted to being Greedy.
I miss how close of a fucking friendship we had. Sharing parents. Houses. Fanfictions. Everything. I miss having that kind of friendship. But maybe that's because now I'm older, and no one, not even myself, has time for doing much of anything.
Or perhaps it was because we were so unique together that I never really noticed how distant I became to others...
You were poison, but it was sweet until I started suffocating. Or maybe you weren't fatal at all, and I was just choking on you as I consumed too much... Maybe it was both. Maybe you're not fatal until in large quantities...
Maybe having too much on my plate all at once has finally started getting to me... Making me miss how close a suffocating friendship we had.
You once asked me, quietly... "I try too hard, don't I?"
Maybe I should have been honest with you. Except... I already was. Earlier, when I figured it out. Late at night, or early in the morning, whichever it was... However late it may be, perhaps you'll see this honest response, too late to make a difference.
Yes. You tried far too hard to get something I didn't want. I won't say you didn't want it either, because I know you rather did for a while.
I was immature, acting far older than even my wise personality was capable of being.
I was greedy. I'll readily admit it. But you should too. You hoarded me and my friendship much like the beast you pose as. I used you, and you used me, but our uses were vastly different.
I was hurting. Obviously not as much as I have been recently, but the hurt just increases with age and overall stress. Not because of the specific events between us. Mental illness is a bitch, and I know you know this.
I was freshly single, in the middle of our time together. So I hurt even worse than I had been beforehand. Maybe that was a big part of why I didn't want what you tried to pressure us into. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for that, even now.
I'm petty. Many times, I am petty, and I accept that. Maybe you can be sometimes, too. Maybe not. I don't know you anymore.
Many times I have cheered at some of your small losses or failures. Even with underlying sorrow that I can't seem to be rid of completely. Many times I've also been grudgingly proud, even though I wish I wasn't. Again, that sorrow is still there, underneath. Louder than in my pettiness.
I do wish you would say you're sorry. And I do wish I would say I'm sorry. It probably wouldn't make much of a difference, if it made one at all. It might relieve the both of us, some. Then again, it might not. Emotions are fickle that way.
I'm a coward. I'm prideful. I'm stubborn.
I want to say, "Sometimes, so are you." Or, were, I guess. But that might cause more bad blood between us. I'd rather not have that all anew, thanks.
I want to say "fuck you" and "I'm sorry" all at the same time. But obviously, it's too late for that now. All I can do now is write this open letter.
To you. To myself. To anyone in a similar situation. Or one completely different.
Maybe someday this will mean something. Right now, I just hope it means relief for me.
After all, I've admitted to being Greedy.
I wondered when you should grow up much like I did.
I let the wrath of hate and loss control my mind far before I let the voice of reason utter past my lips.
Of course that lead to this mess...fuck... Where do I start...
Do you remember? That day, at Drama practice, looking through my sophomore sketchbook.... That realization of a common interest... That was the day you became a light in the dark to me, both literally and figmantivly.(I know that sounded sooo cheesy) You know who I was before , and you know who I was after... But you never knew who YOU where, to me that is...
...
I never wanted anything from you.... Never.... I just always said what felt right, but never had the words to properly say it...
Though... The only thing I wanted, was for you, for anyone, to look me in the eyes and say... Thank you... Genuinely, the only thing I wanted, not from you, but in life was to feel appreciated.
Years later I have the words for it... Appreciation. That all I've wanted in this life, to have a perpose to serve people and bring them endless joy, so much as they turn back to me and show me my actions where...appreciated.
I just wanted to see you smile, I just wanted to help, I tried and tried and tried and never felt like I could do anything truly meaningful, something that actually helped, something that.... You Never came to me when you where feeling down and that's what led to me feeling so hollow, so...empty, full of passion, empty of pride...and it's not your fault. I mean I am an overbearing asshole (I fucking hear that enough around the house so I've accepted it). I'm loud, I'm out there, I'm blunt, im hard headed, I'm intense and erratic...do I really need list all the components if my personality? But don't let those consume the fact that I'm also kind, overly generous, Understanding, intellectual, outstandingly bright, immensely creative, mindful, passionately loyal, fierce, strongly protective, incredibly talented.... Although it may be hard to believe now, I cry, I cry every time one of the STUPID MEMMORY POST COME UP ON FACEBOOK AND IST OF SOMETHING OF "US",weather it be art or a post that says "con bound" it stings... I didn't want this to happen...but I was dying on the inside, I never showed it because I feared it would drive you away at the time, I felt like I was hanging myself with a rope of extacy...god DAMIT.... I NEVER LOVED YOU AS IN A DATING, GRILFRIEND, KINDA WAY...NO....I loved you because you wher all I had... You where everything I had....and I didn't know any other way to express THAT, what I just said at the time, I was so blinded... I was... Fucking tunnel vision to MARY HALL, 24,fucking7! Before I met you everything I ever had betrayed me, my parents divorced, I lost my childhood home, I lost my friends, everything.... The day I met you proved to myself at the time that I was not doomed to be alone, life moves on.... But in the comfort I found a new desire, a desire to feel wanted...to feel cared for.... To feel human again.... I spent so many isolatingly numbing days feeling so detached and alone that when I snapped back to reality it was like a difibulateor to the chest that never stops, a jolt of feeling from me head to my toes....
Finding furries found you, finding you found feeling, feeling found myself
(Still a better love story than twilight)
I don't hate... I don't... But I found that pain drives us to insane states of aggression and fear...
For what I have said about you, did to you...
I am appologetic, truthfully and honestly. I never wanted to hurt you, upset you.
Life is so simple when you're young. Emotions run high. But you'll find that by the end of your last semester, none of it mattered... None of it... Trust me...
Listen I don't mean to be ooy' gooy and all that dramatic whimsical bullshit. I'm just grew up, went to collage, got a job...lost a job, lived life... Fuck don't dwell on me, I don't dwell on you. I mean fuck don't dwell on anything! Life is too short. I learned. And maybe you learned too...
FsUoCrK YrOyU
-Orbis out-
(Ps. You're brother is adorable I'm not going to lie)
(Pps. If you ever need repairs on you head let me know, it's still one of my creations and I take pride in it)
((And one more thing.... Maybe one day we can talk again, I've been waiting for this... A realization...you're a good person...just don't be so scared to talk to people....))