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Overly Cynical
9 years ago
It occurred to me that maybe I've been a bit too cynical in the past. It's all well and fine in the name of a joke, but honestly, I can't help but notice, sometimes, when a particular person does a certain thing that I know I am myself guilty of. It's terribly easy to play superior, denounce them, correct myself, and convince myself that I am better than them, but with all sincerity, I'm scared to death of my flaws sometimes. I guess at least some of the poor bastards around me are the same way; afraid to do anything lest their flaws show, worried that what they want to do or have to say will hold no bearing on the world around them, and that all their existence and efforts are just opportunities for them to prove their worthlessness in a disinterested world.
And it feels, almost, kind of, in a small, tiny, insignificant way, bad to make fun of them. After all, if it weren't for people like me, I might feel safer doing what I do. Don't get me wrong, there's a bit of room for poking fun at people and being critical, but when there's nothing constructive to it, all I wind up with is a world full of crap where I am unwanted both critically and creatively.
There's a reason I haven't posted this to my main account; because this is where I allow myself the freedom to be a complete bastard, and where I almost hope no one will read what I have to say. I don't think anyone would really care for my ramblings, so they get shoved up here. Or perhaps, no one seems interested in putting in the work to engage me about these things, at least not as consistently as I would like, so they go here. And I don't blame anyone. It's a shit ton of work, and I mean, look at my history. I've not been willing to put in that kind of effort for the people around me, so it's not as though I deserve anything different.
But it's not as though I feel like I can just invade someone else's space to bring the discussion to them. I'm not so egotistical as to think that anyone wants to hear from me, or that I have the skills to be persuasive and wise in that way, let alone that I might have anything to say that was worth their time. There isn't any interest, collectively, in this sort of stuff, it seems to me. I don't blame anyone. I'm not interested in honing my skills with the help of anyone else. Why should anyone be interested in accepting my help?
Anyway, there's the ramble. My personal development stagnated, no help in sight, and my cynicism a barrier between myself and the world I would like to live in. But then again, I'm not wholly to blame, so let it be, let it be, and quit crying in your journals.
-V
And it feels, almost, kind of, in a small, tiny, insignificant way, bad to make fun of them. After all, if it weren't for people like me, I might feel safer doing what I do. Don't get me wrong, there's a bit of room for poking fun at people and being critical, but when there's nothing constructive to it, all I wind up with is a world full of crap where I am unwanted both critically and creatively.
There's a reason I haven't posted this to my main account; because this is where I allow myself the freedom to be a complete bastard, and where I almost hope no one will read what I have to say. I don't think anyone would really care for my ramblings, so they get shoved up here. Or perhaps, no one seems interested in putting in the work to engage me about these things, at least not as consistently as I would like, so they go here. And I don't blame anyone. It's a shit ton of work, and I mean, look at my history. I've not been willing to put in that kind of effort for the people around me, so it's not as though I deserve anything different.
But it's not as though I feel like I can just invade someone else's space to bring the discussion to them. I'm not so egotistical as to think that anyone wants to hear from me, or that I have the skills to be persuasive and wise in that way, let alone that I might have anything to say that was worth their time. There isn't any interest, collectively, in this sort of stuff, it seems to me. I don't blame anyone. I'm not interested in honing my skills with the help of anyone else. Why should anyone be interested in accepting my help?
Anyway, there's the ramble. My personal development stagnated, no help in sight, and my cynicism a barrier between myself and the world I would like to live in. But then again, I'm not wholly to blame, so let it be, let it be, and quit crying in your journals.
-V
