i can't sleep recently. i lay down but everything just buzzes around in my head and i can't stop thinking about shit that depresses me or makes me angry and that makes it progressively worse. the feeling of wanting to vomit never leaves. my stomach and chest feel hot and then later my face does the same thing. my face feels like it's being steadily compressed. sometimes i have what i think is a panic attack where i lost control of myself and everything i feel gets ramped up to fuck and i can't do anything about it and my dick feels like it's gong to explode and i just have to punch my bed or my pillow or the wall or myself and have to keep myself from screaming. tried all the shit at this point, reading, not looking at screens or whatever for a couple hours before sleeping. doesn't do anything. just want to sleep. just want to stop thinking. but then i dream and all my dreams are fucked and i wake up feeling worse than when i went to sleep. they all end with me trying to kill myself with whatever method for whatever reason but not being able to. they're radically different dreams in content but for some fucking reason they all take their own roundabout way to that conclusion. kind of want to go to a therapist or a psychologist or something but i know they'll just diagnose me with some bullshit illness or stuff i already know i have and try to put me on pills that will fuck your brain up. it doesn't matter. i don't know.