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Disclosure. Vent. Admission. Update, Explanation Etc etc
9 years ago
General
Alright so this is ganna be a massive mix of Venting admission contemplation and update I guess?
So to start things off, the reason why my FA/DA was stripped of content and then deactivated. The reason behind it all was the fact that with my depressive mind being how it is I end up being a massive contradiction. See I wanna be involved with people as friends I wanna take part in things be included and just have a generally nice time with folk sharing ideas playing games so on and so on. I'm not great at conversation or starting them and I find it very easy to just keep to myself as even though I'm told and reassured otherwise I feel like if I message people first I'm being a pest, a needy dog (or fox) wanting attention so I become even more reclusive. In turn this leads to me feeling kinda bitter and resentful because people don't then message me first or include me in things which then feeds more into the desire to remain alone because I convince myself that people don't WANT me around and that it would be better for all that I wasn't around. These thoughts reached a whole new peek recently which led to me actually taking steps to leaving hence the removing of content deactivations etc. I had reached the point I was going to either remove people from my various messaging programs or create whole new accounts. I was in a very contemplative state during this period since it was the holiday season and I get low during it any ways so its quite easy to spiral down into a pit of despair and begin to question everything about ones being and for once and very much out of character for me I admitted I wasn't okay and I wasn't coping. It seems silly but to do that is a big big step for me at any time I'm so used to having to deal with my stresses on my own that its incredibly hard for me to open up or talk about what's bothering me. So I did I spoke about it to someone who despite the amount of folk I could speak to is someone I can trust not to bubble wrap things and give it to me straight and it helped beyond measure.
Now the issues I've mentioned above are just the specific things happening in this particular environment its not a cause/root of my depression just something that on top of everything else I wasn't dealing with very well however I accept that all of the above whether I like it or not and people agree or not is my own fault and my own doing a horrid loop of thoughts and behaviours all feeding into the cycle.
It was made quite clear that I give people the impression id rather be left alone which I guess I kinda did but not without meaning to but at the same time meaning to. I don't want to be alone, in fact that in itself is a big contributor to my depression the fact I am alone in many ways in real life.
With this all said and ill put my paws up and say just typing this is making me feel quite a lot better, I fully intend to try and change all of this to be more vocal, more friendly and proactive with the people who I know, like and care for, to not allow myself to become bitter at those who for whatever reason may be super popular, at those who are in relationships, at those who seem to always be in the limelight. As it was recommended to me I could do with rebranding myself, now ill be honest I'm not entirely sure what I've been branded as but I suspect its a Grumpy Fox who would rather be on his tod (hah fox tod..see what I did there) then to be involved with anything. I assure you this isn't how I wanted it to seem, well maybe the grumpy part but the rest not so much so I wish to change this possible perception people have of me that I've developed.
I've reactivated DA/FA and will be reuploading what was there before along with everything else I've had done in the past but I'm delaying this slightly as for those who do not know my mother sadly passed away on new years eve so as you can imagine this has somewhat put a damper on pretty much anything I'm wanting to do. BUT along with FA/DA I'm going to endeavour to fix all of the issues I've stated above, this is a massive I guess healing process? for me to try and get out of the cycles and holes I've made for myself. I hope my friends and folks who follow me appreciate this is going to be quite a long process for me and I would like to ask for some support, just a little poke here an there if I haven't been chatty (excusing my time of grieving), a consideration if you have new ideas or even playing vidya games and looking for people to play with, little things like that.
Phew that was a shed ton to say and I do feel better for it but since I know some of you folk are super lazy ill put a TL;DR
1: Deactivated FA/DA cause of Depression fuelled Loneliness
2: Spoke to a person who slapped sense into me
3: Mother Passed away on New years Eve.
4: Endeavour to change and rebrand who I am
5: Please help by poking me and thinking of me if your looking for people to play games or to do ideas with.
So to start things off, the reason why my FA/DA was stripped of content and then deactivated. The reason behind it all was the fact that with my depressive mind being how it is I end up being a massive contradiction. See I wanna be involved with people as friends I wanna take part in things be included and just have a generally nice time with folk sharing ideas playing games so on and so on. I'm not great at conversation or starting them and I find it very easy to just keep to myself as even though I'm told and reassured otherwise I feel like if I message people first I'm being a pest, a needy dog (or fox) wanting attention so I become even more reclusive. In turn this leads to me feeling kinda bitter and resentful because people don't then message me first or include me in things which then feeds more into the desire to remain alone because I convince myself that people don't WANT me around and that it would be better for all that I wasn't around. These thoughts reached a whole new peek recently which led to me actually taking steps to leaving hence the removing of content deactivations etc. I had reached the point I was going to either remove people from my various messaging programs or create whole new accounts. I was in a very contemplative state during this period since it was the holiday season and I get low during it any ways so its quite easy to spiral down into a pit of despair and begin to question everything about ones being and for once and very much out of character for me I admitted I wasn't okay and I wasn't coping. It seems silly but to do that is a big big step for me at any time I'm so used to having to deal with my stresses on my own that its incredibly hard for me to open up or talk about what's bothering me. So I did I spoke about it to someone who despite the amount of folk I could speak to is someone I can trust not to bubble wrap things and give it to me straight and it helped beyond measure.
Now the issues I've mentioned above are just the specific things happening in this particular environment its not a cause/root of my depression just something that on top of everything else I wasn't dealing with very well however I accept that all of the above whether I like it or not and people agree or not is my own fault and my own doing a horrid loop of thoughts and behaviours all feeding into the cycle.
It was made quite clear that I give people the impression id rather be left alone which I guess I kinda did but not without meaning to but at the same time meaning to. I don't want to be alone, in fact that in itself is a big contributor to my depression the fact I am alone in many ways in real life.
With this all said and ill put my paws up and say just typing this is making me feel quite a lot better, I fully intend to try and change all of this to be more vocal, more friendly and proactive with the people who I know, like and care for, to not allow myself to become bitter at those who for whatever reason may be super popular, at those who are in relationships, at those who seem to always be in the limelight. As it was recommended to me I could do with rebranding myself, now ill be honest I'm not entirely sure what I've been branded as but I suspect its a Grumpy Fox who would rather be on his tod (hah fox tod..see what I did there) then to be involved with anything. I assure you this isn't how I wanted it to seem, well maybe the grumpy part but the rest not so much so I wish to change this possible perception people have of me that I've developed.
I've reactivated DA/FA and will be reuploading what was there before along with everything else I've had done in the past but I'm delaying this slightly as for those who do not know my mother sadly passed away on new years eve so as you can imagine this has somewhat put a damper on pretty much anything I'm wanting to do. BUT along with FA/DA I'm going to endeavour to fix all of the issues I've stated above, this is a massive I guess healing process? for me to try and get out of the cycles and holes I've made for myself. I hope my friends and folks who follow me appreciate this is going to be quite a long process for me and I would like to ask for some support, just a little poke here an there if I haven't been chatty (excusing my time of grieving), a consideration if you have new ideas or even playing vidya games and looking for people to play with, little things like that.
Phew that was a shed ton to say and I do feel better for it but since I know some of you folk are super lazy ill put a TL;DR
1: Deactivated FA/DA cause of Depression fuelled Loneliness
2: Spoke to a person who slapped sense into me
3: Mother Passed away on New years Eve.
4: Endeavour to change and rebrand who I am
5: Please help by poking me and thinking of me if your looking for people to play games or to do ideas with.
I'm bad at conversations at the best of times, so I would like to just say you have many friends who do want you to stick around as long as possible.