I'm alive!
There were some times where I nearly wasn't.
But now I am.

Okay so, it's been a LONG time and I feel horrible about that. This is quite hard to write, even though I'm trying to bring hopeful news here, because of my constant self-doubt and critical nature making me wonder about each sentence I write and how it'll be interpreted. I'll try to highlight the big points so it's easier to skim. I've been away for over a year and it warrants explanation and apology. From the bottom of my heart, I'm truly sorry for being silent for so long. It was never my intent- and when my broken mind began to realize how truly long it had been I was further consumed by self-doubt and abuse for letting everyone down.

Okay so what happened to me?
As you can see from my journal of a year ago, it began with physical health issues. My medication was changed, because my old one can apparently cause kidney failure, and the new one fucked me up for a while. Aside from my blood pressure and heart palpitations being unpredictable, it caused horrible abdominal pain and I was unable to sit upright for... a length of time that I can frankly no longer remember. Had a few other, potentially more severe, health scares during this time as well and it had me all really bothered. I was hitting one of life's big birthdays, and people in my family don't live so long. Wasn't sleeping, found no joy in things I loved, couldn't find creativity, broke down in tears at the smallest setbacks, had panic attacks when trying to do my normal, enjoyed activities (such as cooking). Does any of that sound familiar to anyone?

Yeah, my health concerns spiraled to include a crushing depression and eventual mental breakdown.
It was a long time before I even realized where I was, mentally. Days, weeks, months blended together- all a stream I honestly can't pick details out of. A blur of "I'll be better tomorrow..." that never came. I was ashamed of this, and I'm still embarrassed, but it warrants mention because maybe somebody else is feeling it too. I cannot stress this enough- There's nothing wrong with seeking help. I've always been a do-it-myself person, and dealt with depressive episodes for about 20 years now, but this time I couldn't pull myself out of it. I held everything in. I withdrew from conversation. I submerged in video games, the one place where I felt I had control- and even there I wasn't happy.

One day, a couple months back, my wife came home from work and I was really frazzled. Dinner wasn't going right, and I was cracking. I've... long been in the role, with friends, loved ones, everyone- of listening to problems and not talking about mine. I tried to smile for her and it wasn't working. She finally noticed and said the words that did it- "Fuck my problems, tell me about YOUR problems. What's wrong?" ...and I lost it. I just spilled everything out... and that's probably the first time in nearly a year I'd felt something resembling alive. So if you're afraid to tell someone about your problems- talk to a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist/etc. For US residents, the Department of Health and Human Services has some helpful numbers here- https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-he.....mmediate-help/

From there, I started fighting upwards. Some days are better than others, but at least I can remember some of them now. My wife gave me paints for Christmas. I haven't painted in a decade, and it's not illustrative but expressive. It's what I feel- and that's helped a lot. Maybe I'll post some of them another time. Maybe- they're pretty personal, as you might imagine.

Yeah, well what about the art?
I've managed to do some during this time period, though it's very little considering my old pace. However, I'm feeling more like I actually *can* draw these days. I have means (the painting, for instance) to try and stir my creativity again, and that feels so good, I cannot even explain. I have a piece of myself back. A core piece, one that I valued so very much. It's dusty, cracked, and dulled- but I'm repairing it, and I feel victorious that I'm fighting back against the monster that's had control over my mind (never mind how normally sexy I would find it to be controlled by a monster...). I'll be posting some of the doodles from this dead period, and even some owed commissions.

My priority is to complete my owed works, including the "Expedition" series.
You lovely people donated and the work WILL be delivered as promised. I apologize for what's happened and thank you for your incredible patience. My Patreon has long suffered too, and I'll be addressing what to do with that as well. Just gotta keep working through things one by one.

I am not taking new commissions at this time.

It's like building back up to walk again after being in casts for a long time. My pace is nowhere near what it used to be. However, I DO want to bring the streams back, get engaged with my followers again. Maybe I'll stream a game or two even, who knows. A while back, one of you tweeted at me and I responded... and the handful that replied to that, encouraging me... I don't deserve the kindness you give. Thank you all so much.

It bears repeating- Thank you all. Looking back, you were all spectacular to me and deserved better than my silence.