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Just some stray thoughts....
9 years ago
I wish I knew why I felt so painfully empty inside... I have tried to speak out to my family and my friends about it... Either they don't understand or think I am joking... It doesn't help that I really do hate worrying people... Even when they do try to help it feels like only a bandage on the problem... or accidentally makes it worse... There is a void with in me that I just simply can't seem to fill and it has been slowly swallowing me whole for years now... Is it sad to be afraid of yourself? Of what you could do to yourself... to those close to you... to complete strangers... At this pace... I already know... It might only be three months... At most a year and three months...
I haven't heard another about it or perhaps I been so busy I haven't noticed which I apologize for. Please if you need help Matt and I are here for you.
We will even take the time to sit down and help you. You know we will.
And it's okay to be afraid of yourself and what you can do. But it's not okay to think you can't be helped.
You can be, you just have to find the right person to help you.
Now I am not saying I am that person but I want to be. You are an amazing friend.
We have noticed your attitude lately and outlook on life but when I asked to talk to you I was pushed away.
And that's fine. If you don't want to come to me I understand.
But don't be afraid to come to us. Don't be afraid to run to us.
we love you like family.
But I do want you to know this has been a problem with me long before I meet the two of you...
You guys are my friends and you guys have had your own problems to deal with...
So I have held my tongue to avoid worrying you two until you worked out your own problems...
But I felt like saying this somewhere....
Maybe get this off my chest if I could...
Now I am not going to lie...
I am often wearing a feigning smile..
And I am sure if I truly spoke my mind a lot of the time it would either make you mad or scared...
Because that what it does to me when I catch myself thinking...
Maybe next time I am over I can talk about...
But I don't know...
As long as I am warned ahead of time you would be shocked how well I can hold myself.
Don't think I am forcing you into any talking if you don't want to but if you need someone to rely on I know for a fact Matt handles things if you don't like telling me. (which I get I do, I tend to blow up or be depressed: bipolar sucks) but if you need to we are here.
things are settling down and honestly not much is happening with us stress wise.