Hello my lovelies~

(I noticed after finishing writing this journal that it went all over the place and became quite confusing. I do apologise about that)

So what you guys have maybe noticed is that I have not done any kinds of updates here in a looooong time. No arts, no journal, barely contactable via other means like skype or steam and such.
So the reasons for this: This christmas me and my fiancée traveled down to the other side of the country where I have my all of my blood related family and my old friends. Both to spend the holidays with them, but more so for me to bring them some big news.
As some of you know, I have a few years ahead of me consisting on several kinds of gender reassignment treatments that will start any week now. I'm just waiting for the hospital to call me in to get started. Anyways, this is not something that I had come out to my family about yet for several reasons, one being that it is not the kind of news that you break to people over the phone in my mind, one other being that...I have simply been truly scared to come out to them.
I have grown up in a family where you didnt talk to eachother about things that were wrong, pretty much the same things with the circles of friends I had. Some examples, my mother knew nothing about the psychological abuse that me and my brother had to endure from our stepdad at the time, this was from the age of 6 to the age of 14. She got to hear some of it after I had turned 24 or something like that. She got the full story about it some year later after she got to read my medical journal after a examination of my neurological and mental health. The same for the rest of the family (Except for my brother). Though I'm realising that I'm ranting at the moment, sorry for that.
What I wanted to get to is that throughout my life I have had psychological problems of various kinds and no help to deal with this, no one to open up to, no one to talk to, no one to help me understand why I had the thoughts that I had. I have always have since before my teens had problems with myself and my selfimage and selfworth. I started to dislike who I was more and more, hate the way I looked, my body, my everything. I started to shy away from photographs cause I hated to see myself in them. I had often reacurring thoughts about how it would be like if I was born a girl instead and such. But these thought were locked back inside. There were after all no one to talk to about it, no one that talked about those kind of feeling, no one that educated about it. Sex-education in school did not cover anything like this...hell, they barely even touched the subject of homosexuallity. So how would you learn about transexuallity and gender dysphoria? One just had to deal with it, "you were born as a boy so that is what you are", kind of like that.
Sorry...ranting again.
So what happened thid christmas was that since I was about to start meeting doctors about the gender reassignment treatments, I needed to come out to everyone about how things were and what will happen in my life. My friends, my younger siblings, my dad...they all took it really well, no problems and so much support was given. Then...enter my mother and grandmother...let's just say that they didnt take it as well. Since the family way was to look away from problems, this to them came as a chock, like lightning from clear sky. According to them this couldnt be happening, how could this be the truth? The hadnt seen any signs of me being transsexual, and they thought that the psychiatric care needed to help me rediscover and come to terms with my masculinity, basically that I needed to be made to feel like a man again. "Maybe if you loose some of that overweight that you have, you would feel more comfortable with yourself again"...that was only one of the really stupid things that was said that evening. Next day, it was like nothing had happened, like they were in total denial about it all. And nothing was mentioned about it again during our visit. Afterwards, I didnt hear from my mother for about a month...I still havent heard from my grandmother.
Months before this even happened I had started falling back down into the land of depression. This visit was like a kick to the back pushing me over the edge sending me falling into the dark abyss. Dark thoughts took over once again, thoughts of selfloathing, the thought of selfdamaging behaviour, the thoughts of not wanting to exist. I was taken in for emergency medical treatment to help me get back on my feet again. i have not really recovered from it still and still cower away from social interactions more often then not. Social interaction over the internet taking the biggest blow. I think I could describe it as I'm almost scared of it. Like, if I start to talk to people, can I keep the conversation up, or will I just dissapoint people. I know that I dissapoint more by not trying to keep in touch, it just doesnt work.

So yeah...that was that about that.