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Death in the Family [Life Update]
9 years ago
General
My grandfather passed this Monday, in the early hours of the morn.
Since then, funeral rites have taken all week. Family has gathered in my parents home for the first time in FOREVER. We keep our distance from one another most of the time, but now with grandfather's death, we have assembled, and bonded a little. It has been good, but also exhausting.
Coupled with school and university work, I didn't have much energy or inspiration for art. I've got one big commission flat coloured and others with a sketch in mind tho, so will do my best to get at those asap.
This is my first death ever. I'm not sure how to feel. My grandfather was distant to us, kept to himself and never really said much to me or his other grandkids. Part of me is kind of angry at him. He....made my grandmother and mom real miserable at times, and I felt like I hated him then. Hated for what he did to my grandmother, stressed my mother out, caused rifts to happen in family.
But.....I want to forgive him. Let go of the hurt, the anger. While naturally, as a granddaughter I loved him. And I'm sure in his own way, he loved me. Though he showed so little of it. And call me greedy all you'd like, but I wished that he had atleast said that he did--that he loved me.
Now that he's gone I'll never get that chance.
I have more bad memories of him than good, memories that infuriate me to the core. But the good ones I want to hold onto, to help me forgive. It's been a strange struggle. At one point I feel like screaming, "Now you won't make my mother suffer your difficult ways anymore" and at the same time I'm like, "How I wish we could have had a healthy relationship. One with ice cream and conversations, life advice, laughs, love."
As I write, I'm a little shaky and teary. I don't know why I'm writing something so personal. Started out as just an update journal, but I ended up writing what didnt know I truly felt, and it needed out. So I just let it flow.
I'm grieving in my own way I guess. I will need time to heal from the loss, as well as to ease my lingering hurt, as well as to forgive.
I'm thankful for my family, friends but also for my online peeps (here and on Twitter) for a place I can be my silly furry-loving self.
Hope everyone's been doing allright. School holidays are coming up soon, so I hope to use that time for working on art proper.
Love and peace,
Reiks
Since then, funeral rites have taken all week. Family has gathered in my parents home for the first time in FOREVER. We keep our distance from one another most of the time, but now with grandfather's death, we have assembled, and bonded a little. It has been good, but also exhausting.
Coupled with school and university work, I didn't have much energy or inspiration for art. I've got one big commission flat coloured and others with a sketch in mind tho, so will do my best to get at those asap.
This is my first death ever. I'm not sure how to feel. My grandfather was distant to us, kept to himself and never really said much to me or his other grandkids. Part of me is kind of angry at him. He....made my grandmother and mom real miserable at times, and I felt like I hated him then. Hated for what he did to my grandmother, stressed my mother out, caused rifts to happen in family.
But.....I want to forgive him. Let go of the hurt, the anger. While naturally, as a granddaughter I loved him. And I'm sure in his own way, he loved me. Though he showed so little of it. And call me greedy all you'd like, but I wished that he had atleast said that he did--that he loved me.
Now that he's gone I'll never get that chance.
I have more bad memories of him than good, memories that infuriate me to the core. But the good ones I want to hold onto, to help me forgive. It's been a strange struggle. At one point I feel like screaming, "Now you won't make my mother suffer your difficult ways anymore" and at the same time I'm like, "How I wish we could have had a healthy relationship. One with ice cream and conversations, life advice, laughs, love."
As I write, I'm a little shaky and teary. I don't know why I'm writing something so personal. Started out as just an update journal, but I ended up writing what didnt know I truly felt, and it needed out. So I just let it flow.
I'm grieving in my own way I guess. I will need time to heal from the loss, as well as to ease my lingering hurt, as well as to forgive.
I'm thankful for my family, friends but also for my online peeps (here and on Twitter) for a place I can be my silly furry-loving self.
Hope everyone's been doing allright. School holidays are coming up soon, so I hope to use that time for working on art proper.
Love and peace,
Reiks
If you feel like you need to go sit in a remote corner of your house and just cry... please do! It will be very freeing for you.
The way you are talking it sounds like you are handling this with temperance and wisdom, and even if at times you collapse, that is okay, too!
Give yourself some breathing room :)
And shirk off your responsibilities for a day or two or more. Just give them up. They will eat at you deep down, and denying them that power even if only for a day will leave your soul rested and rewarded :)
It is healthy to long for what SHOULD have been., not necessarily what COULD have been. I was just reading an article about this woman who has a father who does amazing things for people, for example, someone at his work stole his watch, so he paid to have the kid put through college...
My dad was very abusive and I could not trust him, let alone rely on him for anything at all. I started to cry reading the article, just wondering what it must be like to have a dad that is that awesome.
But those tears are tears of cleansing, and not confusion. I take great comfort in Jesus Christ for always being there for me, softening my heart, and healing age old wounds in my heart and life.
From what I know about you, what little there is, I want to tell you that you are OKAY, that you are going to be OKAY, and just keep going. You are doing fine... And don't be afraid to cry!
Thank you so, so very much for your long, kind comment...I wish I could articulate just how appreciative I am, though right now, I'm quite speechless inside :( Nevertheless, know that I am grateful and deeply touched
I'm sorry to hear that about your father...but indeed, let us be wise and kind to ourselves and our loved ones, and better to heal and forgive <3
Your last advice is the best! It's taken me a long time just to begin to realize it!
*Hugs you warmly!*
I've been to four or so family related funerals so far.
For me personally it has a similar feeling to end of a good intricate story. It's over and it's time to give it a place as it won't be coming back.
Be well.
(My grandpa passed away the end of last year, and he too had his issues)
It's good to find a way to express what you feel; don't worry about conflicting feelings! It's natural that you'd be exhausted--take some time if you can, to relax and not worry about responsibilities for a bit.
With some time, things will start to feel better again. *hugs*
I hope you find some time to enjoy your break! owo
Thanks so much for your kind words, Rococo dear <3 I hope to find a good time to rest proper, with real wholesome rest and sleep ahaha