I'm in one of those moods. I have them often, but never post up on here my feelings, mostly because not a lot of people watching me would respond or I feel like I'm trying to get attention and I don't like to irritate others. I suppose I used to be the type of guy who would give and give extra and now I'm feeling like I gave too much and never really got anything in return.
Got stabbed in the heart when I heard my cousin died. That was November 13, 2007 and I still feel like her funeral was yesterday or more likely a week. I've actually been feeling like trash for many years now.
I'm starting to think it was because her and my aunt (who died when I was still very young, but with my memories like they are, I still remember her too) seems so very much alike. They didn't care what happened to them as long as it wasn't too severe that it would effect their families.
My cousin left behind twins and my aunt (her mother of course) has to take care of them. I feel even worse when I think the way I do when my aunt is the one who lost her daughter. Much worse than loosing a cousin, but she was more like a sister to me.
We did so much when we were little kids. She died when she was 21 I believe.
A bit of good does come from this suffering, I never forget her or my aunt. Their memories aren't only with me but with all of us. And we are one BIG family too. We're all close, cousins, 2nd cousins, aunts uncles, mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters. Even some "back in the old days" old friends.
Now that I'm typing this up, I'm also remembering the times when I used to be the victim almost all the time. I started to express my feelings (From being bullied) to my friends, or should I say ON my friends. I didn't really give them black eyes or anything terrible like that, but I did some horrible things.. At the time I thought I was trying to toughen them up so they wouldn't go through what I was going through. It was a bit late for that and that was only an excuse.
My mother's wedding is coming up soon. July 17th. Yes parents divorced after my cousin's death, but we all knew it was over long before then. My step-dad cheated on my mom. Not going into details with that.
Sorta speaking of which. Sometimes I say something stupid and everyone gets on me for being ignorant or stupid. Not like I fucking knew what they were feeling!!!
I said we were a close family, right? Heh... "were"... Nowa days I spend most of my time in my room looking at porn and happy pictures to keep my mind as blank as possible. Sometimes taking an extra pill to keep me thinking of happy things.
But of course my "selfish" self wanted more. Not "fake" happiness, but I crave for the real thing. Straight down to it, "Love".
Tried online dating, but either didn't work out or lost my password to my email address.
Being alone sucks, yes. But being alone, a lying virgin (saying I had sex when really I didn't. Rape maybe, but not the real thing) and a selfish prick is easily 10x worse. 19 years and still a virgin. "Don't worry we've heard of other guys who were virgins till like 25." Oh yeah, that supposed to make me feel better? Most likely those guys were just as pathetic as me or maybe even better than me or just chose not to have sex.
There might be some comments soon (most likely one or two, five at the most) saying I'm a pussy or loser or something else.
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When I don't take my medicine I usually stay to myself in public (School etc.), not speaking when I don't need to, keeping my distance from others and having a blank look on my face to show I don't care what people are saying or talking about.
You know everyone has a fear or two (if not then they are a mental case), well I got tons of fears (also a mental case). I've always been afraid of things. Trying new things, people. Yadda yadda. So many reasons to be afraid of people. "If you fear almost everyone how are you going to find someone special?" Please don't ask that or anything near it. I know this already and my response, "I know, I suppose I won't find someone then."
(Just updated title and added "Feeling emotional") Another thing, emo isn't always emotional. From the beginning it was a type of lifestyle. Creepy, weird-ass shit and yet artistic. Ok done with that...
I try to listen to some new music to calm me down when I get this way. Usually listen to emo/gothic, metal, heavy metal, and stuff like that. Anything to keep my head clear. Trying to convince myself that I haven't crossed the line yet. Still here and not losing my grip on reality (as they say). I swear someone could just put a picture of an anthro/furry on a fishing pole and move it to my window I'd think for a second that it was real. Yes, sad I know. Pathetic too. But why not ask yourselves before you post, "What could of happened to him in his life that made him start thinking this way?"
Yes many many reasons for certain end results. Rape = becoming gay. Although I've always felt different from other guys, "I just thought I was more sensitive" is what I told myself after the rape happened. "Did I enjoy that? Do I want that to happen again?" A year later or so, "Maybe, but not like that again."
Hmm... coulda sworn this woulda been shorter. Seems like I could write a book about my life. Excitement at the beginning, then slowly turning boring and dull.

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