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Can´t shake off the thought that I´m a failure
8 years ago
General
First I want to apologize for the lack of art, especially the detailed works which I haven´t been able to work on for months now. There´s likely a few pieces that some of you might have enjoyed but I haven´t been able to do more of for a very long time. As for now I´m doing my best to do good with my study which takes up most of my time. I would like to succeed at finishing all the classes that I have to redo now.
Now for the main point. I´m having extreme trouble in not doubting everything that I do. The last class went well for the most part. I finished summarizing all study material in the time that I had planned for it but than at the end I had to make some statistics graph in the same week as the exam. I didn't know how to do it and with the exam close I realized I would fail despite all preparations. Eventually I did finish the graph assignment with help from the lecturer but than I was too anxious to properly prepare for the exam. Exam didn't go as I hoped for as result.
I feel like despite all my efforts I still failed to study correctly. I was supposed to be able to do that assignment without issue but it caused so many issues. And now a new class started, I barely slept and it's far more chaotic than the last one. I'm afraid of failing this and that I failed the exam.
I realized, I can only be somewhat happy when everything goes as I plan it, anything that forces me off track breaks me. Through the end of the day I have the constant feeling that I missed something, that I had to do a lot of other things but didn't manage to and as result I lock up and end up being unable to sleep until it's 2-3 AM. That's even on successful days when it comes to study. Maybe it's all my personal drawing deadlines that I've failed.
For me it´s like if I fail one of the many things I failed them all automatically, that´s how this study works at least, you have to succeed at every part of a class.
I know my way of thinking is not good but I simply can´t overlook things. I cannot not think about things.
I still keep thinking of the negative outcome of a situation, that people expect to know something, but I just don´t know, no matter how many times you ask. I keep repeating that as a panic sentence in my head ´I don´t know´. The constant feel that something is expected of me but I can´t do it.
I guess this is a good one to end this with. One of my lab partners is 19 and she´s upset because she´ll end up finishing her study at a very early age. Man, life sure is funny isn't it? It just loves sapping every possible bit of happiness out of me.
I still wonder, why am I broken and how can I be fixed?
Now for the main point. I´m having extreme trouble in not doubting everything that I do. The last class went well for the most part. I finished summarizing all study material in the time that I had planned for it but than at the end I had to make some statistics graph in the same week as the exam. I didn't know how to do it and with the exam close I realized I would fail despite all preparations. Eventually I did finish the graph assignment with help from the lecturer but than I was too anxious to properly prepare for the exam. Exam didn't go as I hoped for as result.
I feel like despite all my efforts I still failed to study correctly. I was supposed to be able to do that assignment without issue but it caused so many issues. And now a new class started, I barely slept and it's far more chaotic than the last one. I'm afraid of failing this and that I failed the exam.
I realized, I can only be somewhat happy when everything goes as I plan it, anything that forces me off track breaks me. Through the end of the day I have the constant feeling that I missed something, that I had to do a lot of other things but didn't manage to and as result I lock up and end up being unable to sleep until it's 2-3 AM. That's even on successful days when it comes to study. Maybe it's all my personal drawing deadlines that I've failed.
For me it´s like if I fail one of the many things I failed them all automatically, that´s how this study works at least, you have to succeed at every part of a class.
I know my way of thinking is not good but I simply can´t overlook things. I cannot not think about things.
I still keep thinking of the negative outcome of a situation, that people expect to know something, but I just don´t know, no matter how many times you ask. I keep repeating that as a panic sentence in my head ´I don´t know´. The constant feel that something is expected of me but I can´t do it.
I guess this is a good one to end this with. One of my lab partners is 19 and she´s upset because she´ll end up finishing her study at a very early age. Man, life sure is funny isn't it? It just loves sapping every possible bit of happiness out of me.
I still wonder, why am I broken and how can I be fixed?
You're not broken, in fact you're following a way of doing things but it might be too coiled up on you and you're starting to see it's not that worth it, and you can't loose it or change it. You're going through a lot of unnecessary frustration. If you want to change you need to be compromised and seek help, you're as responsible in change as in maintenance of feeling bad, broken, lazy, etc.
I think you do not faill all this things. But I have the feeling that this university tasks get progressivly more difficult. That you take help from lectures is neat. But I still think you could benefit to find and join a learing group of 2 to 4 people. (Bigger once may get counter productive).
In my experince when I studdied for big final exames was that in such small group one student may knows a bit the other does not rember, or poke one into a new thougth process.
Often leanring and doing this tasks together had felt easier, simple and quicker as doing alone.
Plus one can help another to undertand something.
But I think I suggested you this once befor I don't know if its all that helpful for you.
The ultimatum would if you notice that you really going to fail university studing, maybe exit it and seek work elsewhere, eventually the whole thing is more then you can chew on (it was at last so in my case). But in your case I think you got quite far as it is. Maybe its worth considering going thougth it.
last thing I can tell you. I got often told that what I think about is what I magically draw towards me.
So if I think constantly about failing something, I build up such a mental blockade about it. that I will actually fail it physically. So it would be in that regard wise to think like the other way around to remove a bit of weigth from once shoulder.
but yeah I know I can talk alot silly void that like totally not helpful for the real live situation. But eh I think telling you this and that helps tons more as staying quietly aside and having the sad face for you not managing it.
I hope you can do it even if most things saddly not shape as you plan. Maybe its time to plan diffrent then? I don't know :o