Since no one reads these things, I might as well just pour my heart out here. Right now, I am feeling absolutely devastated. I have been rejected and rebuffed by two poly relationships in two months. Granted, I am in one and sure, I get it, but that doesn't meant it didn't sting. My self-esteem is plummetting faster than United Airline's stock price right now and I am finding myself wanting for a big chubby nerdy guy to plow into my body. You see, I have a lot of love to give and the question I always ponder is this:

Is my love good enough for people?

Seriously, why turn it down? My heart just can't take it any more. I am finding myself being filled with so much hate and resentment now. But people ask, "why should you even care about trying to get the affection of another?" Maybe I never had enough hugs or affection growing up, maybe I was nothing but the product of an upbringing that doesn't have any validation or support, or maybe that I have no one to really reach my heart because I am addicted to love and affection. The answer is yes to all of the above. Oh, and maybe I externalize my love of chubby nerds because I grew up with my parents hating me for who I am, with no support. Maybe the cure is to love myself, but I already do. It is so stupid that people just want to lock themselves away in their relationships, but be so god damn emotionally unavailable.

My heart can't take any more hurt, and I can't do this to myself anymore. But I can't close myself off, it is who I am. I was raised with shutting my emotions for so long, why should I ever turn it off now?