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It hurts to let go.
8 years ago
General
I rarely ever journal something like this (at least not for a very long time), but I feel like writing it out will help. It really hurts to lose contact with people sometimes. I've a friend who I met quite a long time ago who's essentially drifted out of my life and I'm finding it very difficult to let go. I've met all sorts of great and wonderful friends online over the years who have, for one reason or another, drifted away from me. But this one is especially tough on me. We were pretty close and had fun conversations, or so it felt. Now it's basically nothing.
And the worst part (as it always seems to be, with anything) is not really knowing why. My head thinks one way, but my gut wrenches me in another direction, tells me that it was something I did. I've lost good friends in my awkward youth from really stupid things. I've learned hard lessons and always try and remind myself constantly to never make those mistakes again. But it's hard, and I begin believing it was something I did or said that caused it. Even if I was told otherwise.
I wish my mind could just let this friendship fade quickly and move on to happier things. I'm sure I will with enough time -- it just sucks meanwhile.
-Lucky
...That got a little LiveJournally. My apologies for that. >.> Thanks for reading, and hug your frans tight. But not too tight. And for the love of all that is good: do not pet them and squeeze them and name them George.
And the worst part (as it always seems to be, with anything) is not really knowing why. My head thinks one way, but my gut wrenches me in another direction, tells me that it was something I did. I've lost good friends in my awkward youth from really stupid things. I've learned hard lessons and always try and remind myself constantly to never make those mistakes again. But it's hard, and I begin believing it was something I did or said that caused it. Even if I was told otherwise.
I wish my mind could just let this friendship fade quickly and move on to happier things. I'm sure I will with enough time -- it just sucks meanwhile.
-Lucky
...That got a little LiveJournally. My apologies for that. >.> Thanks for reading, and hug your frans tight. But not too tight. And for the love of all that is good: do not pet them and squeeze them and name them George.
Friendships have often felt like time bombs to me (that detonate when the friend gets a partner.). Don't get me wrong, I don't whine and I don't kick up a fuss, but to these people it can often seem like it when I go through that period of confusion of not realizing that their relationship is having a hard time processing someone like me.
It extends to online friendships too. I've been quite quiet about it on Deviant Art but there was a wonderful woman I spoke to regularly, daily, the sort of friend who can tell something's up just by the way that you typed, and she suddenly vanished without a trace. It's hurt me a lot, I worry about her because she disappeared so suddenly, but I get concerned that it's still not my place to try and track her down, even if it is to just check is she's alright. Plus she's well-known on D.A, so I don't exactly want to moop publically about her in case it embarrass her in some way.
However there are friends I've lost because of me TELLING myself that they don't want me. That's a depression/self-esteem thing, but depression is as depression does, and as a result of this and the previous examples, I'm pretty much alone now. But at least I can say that I'm aware of the problem, y'know? - That gives me something to work on during this time on my own and a moment to refine what kind of folks I need in my life and how I can meet them, and what standards I have for friendships.
Hopefully you know I'm not just talking about ME to hijack your blog, lol! I just thought I'd reference some stuff I've been through to let you know that you're not alone. I don't know if you're a man of few people left, or if you're just morning the loss of a few friendships, but either way it can always hurt, and your inability to forget them once they've broken is just testament to what a loving guy you are. There's a burden to even our best qualities. Genius is riddled with instanity, strength is vulnerable to feeling weak, and the loyal feel heartache. I guess what I'm saying is that if it ever gets you down, try to think about how valuable that makes you as person, that you're not someone who just forgets people in a snap.
All the best, buddy. Sorry if I went into this a little deeper than I should have done, just wanted to send my opinion to you because I feel I'm going through some very simular stuff right now.
:)