FA+
Shop
Post-Project Depression
8 years ago
I haven't written a single thing in over a month, and barely edited more than that. The writing Twitter account I keep has been RTs only.
There's something I've been wrestling with that I wasn't sure if I was going to talk about at all. Maybe a little bit of it is shame, but mainly it's because I'm afraid of the impression it might give off, of how people might take it. But we're supposed to be open about our mental health issues, right?
The reason is that no one seems to care about my book. To my understanding, Intimate Little Secrets did not sell well at the con I launched it at, and I'm only certain that ten copies have been sold. It's not just the sales though--that's nice, but honestly, it's the silence that cuts I know of only one person currently reading it. Meanwhile, people seem really enthusiastic about Kismet. Multiple times I've wondered "what's the point" of continuing to write if no one's going to read it. It doesn't help that I've been able to see a therapist this last month due to scheduling issues, leaving me adrift and so far unable to get back on the horse.
See how whiny that sounds? "Wahh no one is giving me attention, that other guy's thing is getting all the love. Buy my book, make me feel better." That's what kept me quiet, because that's not the message here. This isn't a cry for attention or a guilt trip.
Creators put a lot of themselves into a thing, and if you get nothing back, it hurts. There's nothing else that can be done to a project once it's out of your hands, and now that something big is "gone", that can leave you feeling empty too. You must gird yourself.
There are lots of factors of what could be going on, why there's low sales, and of course there's low feedback. On the other hand, Like it's short stories instead of a longer piece, it's erotica instead of clean so people aren't that keen to talk about it openly, etc. That's been clear with the anthologies I've put out, but this is the first time since H&L that I've put something out that's just me. When H&L came out, it was one of only three straight erotica books sold at cons, so it sold decently, but more importantly, it was my first anything so I was so euphoric. Here I had thought that I had built up enough of a fanbase, but, no.
There'll probably be another blog post once I have a talk with the new therapist. For now though, all I can hope for is that I won't regret sharing this out loud.
There's something I've been wrestling with that I wasn't sure if I was going to talk about at all. Maybe a little bit of it is shame, but mainly it's because I'm afraid of the impression it might give off, of how people might take it. But we're supposed to be open about our mental health issues, right?
The reason is that no one seems to care about my book. To my understanding, Intimate Little Secrets did not sell well at the con I launched it at, and I'm only certain that ten copies have been sold. It's not just the sales though--that's nice, but honestly, it's the silence that cuts I know of only one person currently reading it. Meanwhile, people seem really enthusiastic about Kismet. Multiple times I've wondered "what's the point" of continuing to write if no one's going to read it. It doesn't help that I've been able to see a therapist this last month due to scheduling issues, leaving me adrift and so far unable to get back on the horse.
See how whiny that sounds? "Wahh no one is giving me attention, that other guy's thing is getting all the love. Buy my book, make me feel better." That's what kept me quiet, because that's not the message here. This isn't a cry for attention or a guilt trip.
Creators put a lot of themselves into a thing, and if you get nothing back, it hurts. There's nothing else that can be done to a project once it's out of your hands, and now that something big is "gone", that can leave you feeling empty too. You must gird yourself.
There are lots of factors of what could be going on, why there's low sales, and of course there's low feedback. On the other hand, Like it's short stories instead of a longer piece, it's erotica instead of clean so people aren't that keen to talk about it openly, etc. That's been clear with the anthologies I've put out, but this is the first time since H&L that I've put something out that's just me. When H&L came out, it was one of only three straight erotica books sold at cons, so it sold decently, but more importantly, it was my first anything so I was so euphoric. Here I had thought that I had built up enough of a fanbase, but, no.
There'll probably be another blog post once I have a talk with the new therapist. For now though, all I can hope for is that I won't regret sharing this out loud.
Right now, I'm kind of in a tight monetary bind. I've been unemployed now for over six months, and employment prospects are slim. Which is the ONLY reason I did not purchase a copy.
However, I can entirely understand the depression. I've got a youtube channel, and I'm lucky if I get a dozen views on any given video. Granted, I'm just LPing some games in my library, but the resounding silence is something I'm definitely familiar with. It's also one of the reasons that even though I've got probably a couple megs worth of stuff I've written, I've never bothered trying to polish anything up to submit for publication. I just don't feel like I would be able to handle it if I poured my heart and soul into something, and got... a resounding 'meh'.
You are a very good author, and the topics you write on are definitely outside most people's comfort zones. Personally, I rather like that aspect, and it is one of the reasons I follow you as an author on FA. You like to push boundaries, to hit topics that skirt (or outright flagrantly broadcast) the taboo. But you do so tastefully and respectfully within the work itself. You don't lend yourself to crudities even as you venture into realms many would consider vulgar. That's what I like most about the works of yours that I have read so far.
But because the topics you write on are... let's use the term 'edgy' for now... a lot of people will shy away from them. Some of them because they truly are disgusted by the acts depicted. For this crowd, their very disgust is your reward, because you've painted it so vividly in their mind that they can see the acts well enough to be so repulsed. Some of them will be repelled from your stories because they feel a resonance and might be so tempted. The whole 'dieter looking at pies' thing. And again, you can pat yourself on the back for triggering this sort of response in them, because again your stories are evocative and emotive enough to set that response off.
And also don't forget how few people ever bother responding to anything. You know those 'take a survey to tell us how we've done' things on most fast food receipts? Do you know what the return on those things are? For a free something (typically a free burger or side/drink with a burger)? Less than one hundredth of a percent. One in ten thousand take the effort to write it back, and it is almost invariably negative when it comes back. People with positive reviews never feel the need to express it, it is only if they feel somehow wronged that they feel the need to respond to the survey and be vocal. And that's with the impetus of free food tacked on.
Your stories are some of the most evocative and emotive that I've ever read. Realistic characters in realistic situations with realistic responses. And one of my favorite authors on FA. Don't let the sound of silence disturb you.
Thank you so much for writing and putting your work out there, I look forward to finding more to read from you soon!
Where did you come across it/hear about it, if you don't mind me asking?
Also, I appreciate reviews. Posted on Amazon/Goodreads, or just your own FA journal. O:)