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Sorting out thoughts [internal rant]
8 years ago
It only took a year this time...My desire, my love for another even purely platonic has managed to drive a wedge in a friendship.
A year ago at TFF 2016, I was invited to visit Texas for the first time and meet a fur that was my daddy and later sort of transitioned into a Mommy figure for me. We had been close for many years thanks to random sites and gaming and what not and we loved each other.
There had been some naughty fun in chat before and they knew of my sisters and everything was a okie. . .then he found someone. Someone amazing to him. A nice person who loved him and I was very excited for him but nervous cause TFF would be the first time I met her too.
I knew nothing could happen with my important person, that was fine but I was nervous about being in a new state, meeting new people, being around new furs. "Would they accept me as female?" "Would they accept me as a babyfur/little?" "Would they be okie with my defects even in person?"
TFF 2016 was a mixed bag, I made new friends but there was that longing for real connection the whole time. Wanting to be connected to people. I made come friends that meant a lot to me and decided that I would move to Texas. The main contributor to that was actually my friend's fiance. SHE WAS FLIPPING AWESOME! Kind, Friendly, Affectionate, she said i was adorable and cute and established herself as my Mommy very quickly. It was heaven and I was super excited to live in the same state as them, hoping I would visit them a good deal as we would be only an hour apart.
As some know the move to Texas hit a bit speed bump with the place i was moving into falling through and I was going to be living in whatever car I got down here. Come the new Mommy to the rescue. She DEMANDED I stay with them till I could find a place, saying it wasn't acceptable to live in a car or wherever. As things came to pass I wound up taking over half the house as their then roommates moved out. All amazing people under one roof, all like family. It was new it felt weird but....finally right. I was smiling...happy...even satisfied.
For the last year, I have had the undying support of a new family. Both of them taking care of me and helping me through rough patches and forging good memories along the way. It was made clear dozens of times, I never wanted to come between them. I loved them none physically. They were my family. My caretakers. My Friends.
But like all good stories, storms start brewing. Over the last, while I could see the looks I am all too familiar with. The pained look of dealing with a little when you just don't want to anymore. So...I tried to limit it...be less little around then. Let Rina take the front seat and be more grown up. Still, the tension was in the air. Suttle at times but always there. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and asked what was the underlined thing going on fearing I knew the answer.
These people, my family, wanted to find a house together. Stay together with me. But me being little was grating on the nerves, wanting love and attention were dulling their relationship. My desire for affection was pushing them on boundaries they long since established.
I get this. They are committed to each other. Not me. That is fine and I was determined to always be their biggest supporter. So...I guess this is it. Not going to do something dramatic, not even gonna vow to leave or not talk to them....Just gonna sit with my pain....use it to shape another mask, another layer of armor against the world. I let them get very very close, more than most people I know.
It just hurts....They wish that I will find someone to be that figure I need in my life, be a support, be my love. I have never had much luck with that. My level of community down in Texas is shallow to say the least so it doesn't seem like a mate will spawn from the ground. Who knows maybe I willl look back on this post one day and laugh over how hopeless it felt then while I cuddle up with a special someone. But for now I will diligently get back to the grind of work. I will hold my ground. I stand holding my own banner and even though I can count friends among my numbers, it is no ones duty but my own to fight for me.
A year ago at TFF 2016, I was invited to visit Texas for the first time and meet a fur that was my daddy and later sort of transitioned into a Mommy figure for me. We had been close for many years thanks to random sites and gaming and what not and we loved each other.
There had been some naughty fun in chat before and they knew of my sisters and everything was a okie. . .then he found someone. Someone amazing to him. A nice person who loved him and I was very excited for him but nervous cause TFF would be the first time I met her too.
I knew nothing could happen with my important person, that was fine but I was nervous about being in a new state, meeting new people, being around new furs. "Would they accept me as female?" "Would they accept me as a babyfur/little?" "Would they be okie with my defects even in person?"
TFF 2016 was a mixed bag, I made new friends but there was that longing for real connection the whole time. Wanting to be connected to people. I made come friends that meant a lot to me and decided that I would move to Texas. The main contributor to that was actually my friend's fiance. SHE WAS FLIPPING AWESOME! Kind, Friendly, Affectionate, she said i was adorable and cute and established herself as my Mommy very quickly. It was heaven and I was super excited to live in the same state as them, hoping I would visit them a good deal as we would be only an hour apart.
As some know the move to Texas hit a bit speed bump with the place i was moving into falling through and I was going to be living in whatever car I got down here. Come the new Mommy to the rescue. She DEMANDED I stay with them till I could find a place, saying it wasn't acceptable to live in a car or wherever. As things came to pass I wound up taking over half the house as their then roommates moved out. All amazing people under one roof, all like family. It was new it felt weird but....finally right. I was smiling...happy...even satisfied.
For the last year, I have had the undying support of a new family. Both of them taking care of me and helping me through rough patches and forging good memories along the way. It was made clear dozens of times, I never wanted to come between them. I loved them none physically. They were my family. My caretakers. My Friends.
But like all good stories, storms start brewing. Over the last, while I could see the looks I am all too familiar with. The pained look of dealing with a little when you just don't want to anymore. So...I tried to limit it...be less little around then. Let Rina take the front seat and be more grown up. Still, the tension was in the air. Suttle at times but always there. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and asked what was the underlined thing going on fearing I knew the answer.
These people, my family, wanted to find a house together. Stay together with me. But me being little was grating on the nerves, wanting love and attention were dulling their relationship. My desire for affection was pushing them on boundaries they long since established.
I get this. They are committed to each other. Not me. That is fine and I was determined to always be their biggest supporter. So...I guess this is it. Not going to do something dramatic, not even gonna vow to leave or not talk to them....Just gonna sit with my pain....use it to shape another mask, another layer of armor against the world. I let them get very very close, more than most people I know.
It just hurts....They wish that I will find someone to be that figure I need in my life, be a support, be my love. I have never had much luck with that. My level of community down in Texas is shallow to say the least so it doesn't seem like a mate will spawn from the ground. Who knows maybe I willl look back on this post one day and laugh over how hopeless it felt then while I cuddle up with a special someone. But for now I will diligently get back to the grind of work. I will hold my ground. I stand holding my own banner and even though I can count friends among my numbers, it is no ones duty but my own to fight for me.
*lots an' lots of huggles*