My Online therapist says that our emotions can help guide us to figure out what we need as a person, I showed her my journal and she saw grief and pain, she said that emotions simply seek to end the pain, but I don't understand as my emotions simply drive me to it. I read at lunch, this morning when I woke up at 5am, even when I wasn't supposed to at work.

I scribbled notes, thoughts, images into my notebook... Today was to much for me... I cried in my car at lunch in frustration... the whole way home. Who am I ... I don't know who I am anymore...


I tried looking up what a Taurus is... http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.c.....-signs/taurus/
- Strengths: Reliable, patient, practical, devoted, responsible, stable
- Weaknesses: Stubborn, possessive, uncompromising
- Taurus likes: Gardening, cooking, music, romance, high quality clothes, working with hands
- Taurus dislikes: Sudden changes, complications, insecurity of any kind, synthetic fabrics


I read page after page about them... I cried because I thought I was these things, I cried because I read about how insecurity, loss of stability, pain and hurt can drive a Taurus to instability and fear. I realize in my reading how much I hurt, how badly losing my job, losing Sabi, how it destroyed who I was. I was loyal, I was dedicated and I tried, it was all I had all I gave. When I was hurting I found stability in my projects, I found something I could focus on intently to bring me peace in my life. You also brought peace to my life, you cared for me, loved me when I didn't even love myself. I just want you back, I was dedicated to you, even with all the fear of abandonment hovering around me. I didn't want you to leave... I didn't know what to do when you got upset... I would rather be hurt myself than see you hurt.


I scribbled in my note book thoughts... about the pain, about the hurt... about what I was sorry for...

I'm sorry that I let my burdens rule who I was like atlas bearing an impossibly heavy stone, unable to give you the love I wanted to give you because of that burden.
I'm sorry I could never be enough to fix the hurt in your heart, that our situation was never enough to satisfy either of us.
I'm sorry that my heart ached and my mind couldn't focus from the whispers and pain of all the snakes that circled my head... Like a Gorgon with a hair of venom and scale I covered my eyes out of fear, anxiety, loneliness, hatred, anger, insecurity, abandonment, doubt, and before I could realize it, I opened my eyes and I was stone, petrified by my own reflection and hating myself for everything that happened. Hating myself for losing a job that I needed to take care for you, hating myself for Sabi's death, hating myself for hurting you and not knowing how to fix it, or how to show you the truth and have you believe it... I hated myself, so how could anyone else love me...


I see where I want to be, I see who I love and what I cherished melting before my eyes, I don't know how to fix any of it... I sit here weeping as I write this, wanting to talk to you, to fix this. I've given up on having dinners, just some nuts and fruit and a glass of beer is all I can manage. I get the monk brew from the local brewery... my nights are spent filled with reflection, reading, tears and sorrowful searching...

I'm sorry that when I lost my stability I harmed you with my choices. I'm sorry that my ADHD caused me to focus intently on a project that challenged me and silenced all those pains, that made me feel accomplished, that I thought you would be proud of. I'm sorry that with all the emotions behind my eyes I spoke poorly and with anger, or words that hurt you. I never meant to cause you any pain, but all I knew in my head was constant anxiety, and fear, and each time you stepped away I shook with the only thing I knew, abandonment. I know you loved me, I know you cared, I know you saw good and I know I was happy with you, you brought stability to me when you were near. I wish I could show you how I saw you, I wish you could see to clear all the fears and hatred you have. I don't know how to accomplish that, and the anxiety, fear, pain is unbearable some days.

I don't know if you even read this anymore... but I love you... I'm sorry that all the events that happened destroyed who I was... I'm trying to fix it, but I don't know how exactly...


I don't know who I am... I wish I knew who I am... I wish looking into the mirror didn't bring me to tears, I wish all of this didn't paralyze me and turn me to stone. I wish my dreams weren't plagued by fear and doubt, recurring nightmares of losing you and Sabi. I wish work brought me joy, or even just comfort, but all it does is remind me of the past, fear, hatred, anger and sorrow, just like the last job.


I'm taking steps, taking small even minuscule steps to reach stability, to never have another job take from me my passions, my ability to protect and take care of those I care about, to take my confidence and my heart from me, to drive snakes into my head that hiss and whisper everything that destroyed me. Each step is like a hammer blow to me, it takes everything out of me and drives me to pain and tears. Every step I take to move forward is meet with resistance and struggle, I don't know I ever did this, but I know I need to rebuild who I am if there is any chance of us again.


I love you Tiger... Please forgive me... Because I can't forgive myself... I hate myself for hurting you... and I don't even know who I am... *weeps*


Add more to the fire... Shiba inu rescue wants me to foster a dog, I'm afraid I'm tired, I don't want anyone else hurt... I don't know what to do...