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Mental illness - serious journal
8 years ago
Hi guys!
I’ve been pretty quiet recently, even before FurDu, and the reasons for that have been personal- but I want to share at least a little about it. So I’m sorry but this isn’t going to be a super chirpy happy journal!
If you’re negatively affected by mentions of depression or suicidal thoughts please don’t read!
Mental illness runs in my family. My maternal side anyway- always has done. It has even taken the life of one of my uncles. To be honest with myself I knew it would happen eventually, but a few months ago I was officially diagnosed with depression, anxiety and (one that surprised me-) obsessive compulsive disorder. I don’t fanatically clean things as the stereo type would suggest though- it’s more that have great difficulty when things don’t turn out the way I expect them to and that if a negative thought enters my head it is very hard for me to stop obsessing over it. While I’m no longer at the severe end of any of those spectrums, I am still currently working with a Psychologist to try and help myself get better and am on some medication.
I struggle greatly to see myself in any positive light at all. When I think of myself I see someone with many more flaws than the average person. Someone that doesn’t belong in this world—or someone that just doesn’t deserve to be in it. If I mess up and get something wrong, I beat myself up over it. A lot. I have great fears about my future and about work etc, and recently have been having bad dreams or nightmares almost every night. I feel so damn useless most of the time. I don’t cut myself or burn myself, my self-degradation is most always internal and in my head. Then again sometimes in a vain attempt to stop those thoughts I hit my head hard with my hands or against something like a table—but that’s only when I’m really upset. Whilst I’ve never actually made an attempt to take my own life, the thought has come up more than a few times. But I could never go through with it. I wouldn’t be able to leave those I love behind in a mess I made.
I am so, so lucky to have my boyfriend Times in my life. Without him it’s possible that I may not have sought the help that I did. I’m also extremely grateful for all of my friends- and they each mean more to me than I could ever express in words.
I wanted to write this journal to explain how I’m feeling and to just write it all out, but at the same time it makes me feel as though I’m not worthy of feeling the pain that I do. I have such a good life, so many fantastic, loving people in it- that I feel guilty for having this mental illness.
I’ve learned that I need to stop being so hard on myself. Especially over the things I cannot control like my genetic predisposition to mental illness in the first place.
I want so badly to continue with my fursuit work and my artwork, but if something isn’t working out or isn’t perfect I get super upset by it and off put by it. I find motivation and concentration very tricky recently—but I’m working on it. I want so, so badly to get back into a regular routine with fursuit work. But then I also want to try finding a part time job… so I feel caught between those two worlds like I can’t manage doing both at once. Which makes me feel pathetic because I know so many others cope with so much more at once.
I’m sorry if this sounds a little disjointed, my mind often runs through things too fast for my typing hands to keep up with and then I forget what I was trying to say before.
I guess I just wanted to say that if you’re facing trouble.. any kind of trouble…. Just tell someone. Anyone.
I know how you feel. I know you feel so alone- so worthless.
Tell someone. Get it off your chest and someone can help you.
There is too much magic in this world to give up on it. So many things worth fighting for, so many sunrises still to see.
I still have bad days like today, but I’ve found ways of coping. Mental health issues just don’t disappear because you’re on some meds- they’re something you have to work at. You have to want to work at it.
In the end, there’s more to life than this. There are things that I want in this world, things I look forward to and things I want to achieve.
And you can bet your butt I ain’t leaving this Earth until I reach those goals.
I’m tired of surviving. I want to live.
-Eight
15/05/17
As someone who's been in and out of hospitals, overdosed many times and been inside a mental institution; I can relate very well to these feelings of worthless and the head hitting ordeal.
I'm incredibly sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but I'm glad to hear you haven't made any attempts on your life.
I've barely spoken to you, but you seem like a beautiful soul with a stunning creative and artist spirit.
If you ever think of ending your life, it isn't worth it. I'm saying this from my heart and as someone who has attempted multiple times. It's a terrifying and horrible ordeal, not only do you hurt yourself mentally and psychically but it hurts the family. And of course, I do know you know this. And so do many others who may read this.
It's been months since I've been in hospital, I'm getting better and looking forward to life. I'm even going to conventions later in the year and going to TAFE. c:
So hey, if a low life like myself can do it, I know you can make it too Eight!
You got me, your watchers, your family and your partner all cheering for you.
Don't let life ever get to you hun!
<3
I hope we can both get better in the fullness of time <33
I've found that taking mental health days off has been extremely important to my health so I intend to keep doing it when I really need to