Honestly...I dont even know where to start at this point...I suppose ill pick where things got most out of control. Around Anthrocon last year is where everything started to pile on.

But before I explain I want to say I have a list of what I owe people. Im making my way through it and have contacted people accordingly. IF YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN A NOTE FROM ME THEN NOTE ME HERE AND NOW! If ive shown you nothing of a commission and would like a refund just let me know! Im trying my hardest to catch up but I understand if you would rather a refund instead. Please just be polite and ill figure it all out.
Second none of this is an excuse for any of my behavior, NO EXCUSE! I understand I royally fucked myself over and landed in a deep hole. Ive started the climb out and im just doing my best to make people happy. Im also trying to give an insight as to what happened to me over the past, almost, year.

So for a while ive been having a hard time. I use that phrase alot, hard time, not sure how else to describe it really. Years. Many factors to that and honestly I have no one else to blame but myself in the end. Its hard to tell yourself you're the reason your life is so fucked up and shitty...it is..but its the truth in the end. And its one of those things where I wish I knew then what I know now....then I wouldn't be in this situation ya know? But oh well...these are the cards ive dealt and I need to go with it, whether I like it or not.
Ive been battling with bad depression for about 6-7 years now, and it was caused by many things but its being continued by one main thing. There's one thing right now that is the cause of alot of my pain, mentally, physically, emotionally. My job. Ive had the same job, a manager at a restaurant (ill leave it at that) for almost the same amount of time. And you may ask yourself 'well Alice why are you still there?' there are alot of factors and currently im doing my best to start a new life, but thats for later.
Since ive started my job ive gained close to 100lbs, which in itself weight gain causes ALOT of other physical issues, ive been put on anxiety meds, depression meds, pain meds...so many meds. I already have a pre-existing thyroid issue which is alot already and makes it hard for my body to function normally. The weight gain and mental health issues just made everything worse. I could talk or complain about my job all day but the main point is that im used and abused to be light and blunt. Im a nice person by nature and like to do my best to help and as a manager I feel its part of my job to help. But over the years my GM has taken advantage of me. He's a manipulative person that knows how to get what he wants and uses people till theres nothing left. He barely does anything himself and is a dictator. He knew how to guilt trip me into saying yes or made me promises he never kept, never intended to keep. When I started sticking up for myself he manipulated my store operator and the employees around me into getting me to help, he know how to play the system. Im convinced he's a sociopath, among many other things. But I would work anywhere from 50-70 hour weeks, working 15-25 days straight sometimes, and be at the store for 10-14 hours a day. And even if I was at my best weight with no medical issues thats ALOT for ANYONE to work. My job isn't super labor intensive but im on my feet the entire time and dealing with 16 yr old employees, terrible customers, and messes and bullshit he left behind on a daily basis. I was worked almost to death, and some days I felt like I was going to die. Not getting out of bed because my sciatica was so bad, because my feet were so swollen, or because I just couldn't physically get up....I was so tired. This still goes on to some extent but ive gotten alot stronger in saying no and putting my foot down. But the reason I haven't left was money. I couldn't go anywhere else in my area and get paid the same amount, and with the bills I share with Tiikeri we couldn't afford a pay cut. At least not a severe one of $5 or more. Tiikeri btw suffers the same fate as I. All we have is each other at this horrid place and if I didn't have him I dont know what id do. So we started saving money to move. To go ANYWHERE else but where we were. And then I started noticing my paychecks getting smaller, yet I was working the same. Thats where my garnishment comes in. I forgot about one of my student loans and the government took over and now takes 25% of every bi-weekly paycheck. Ive been trying to set up a payment plan but its been a real struggle for me. But they've taken my taxes the last 2 years, a total of around $5k which I could've used to move by now and be done with this place. And as much as this angers me it angers me even more...because its no ones fault but my own....I should've set up a payment plan like I did my other one...but for whatever reason I didn't. My credit is also shot because of this. I can't take out a loan to move or I would've already. And Tiikeri has no credit at all, which in this day and age is just as bad as have shit credit lol makes total sense man. It really sucks...I work so much and dont get the money I work for. But thats whats happens, thats my own stupidity.
Anyway about 2 weeks before AC last year I developed a terrible cold and sinus infection, no doubt from being overworked and not taking care of myself. I shouldn't have taken on the amount of work I did but I thought it would go away within the week. It didn't. I stupidly went to AC thinking id be fine and I wasn't. I didn't get done what I owe people and I was miserable (if you saw me there then im sure you know how shitty I felt) I barely made any money and it was just all around the worst AC I had had in all my years of going. But I came back thinking when this cold goes away ill bang everything out.....but it didn't go away....I was sick for what felt like a couple months. And then the weird things started happening. My feet swelled 3x the size, I woke up with numb legs, though I slept every night I felt like I hadn't slept in weeks every morning when I woke up. Work because even harder. My shoes barely fit and killed to wear. I could barely stay awake, Id fall asleep at my desk, counting the money at work, hell even on the toilet going pee on my break. Then my hands started going numb. I have carpal tunnel so I wasn't surprised at first until it was constant. I couldn't feel my thumbs, my hands shook with bad tremors. Just so much weird stuff was happening to me and after about a month I got scared. I had to go back to NH so find out what was wrong. I had so much blood taken from me, did so many tests, but everything was normal. Nothing was wrong...yet here I was, and I knew something wasn't right. I came back down home defeated and even more depressed. And then as magically as all this stuff came....it left....aside from my sleeping problems. I went back up to NH to see a sleep specialists, did some studies, was diagnosed with sleep apnea. Most likely brought on by my sudden weight gain over the years. I used to be 160lbs....now I weight almost double that... btw the insurance I have is under my dad still, im lucky enough to still be covored by him, but its New England based so I can't have anything done here in DE because of that. I always have to go home for everything. In the midsts of all this I stopped taking my meds for my depression and anxiety and mental health. That really knocked me off my rocker and I had to got back on and adjust over many months. I became angry and irritable and mean and just...not pleasant to be around. For the last 3 months of last year I stayed away from social media alot because of this. I couldn't deal with being social, even behind a computer screen. And I was getting alot of hateful messages and comments from people waiting for things and that upset me too.
The other issues I have here is where I live. My landlord. I want to say im grateful to have my own place with tiikeri and I live right behind work so that saves a ton on gas. But my landlord is cheap, he cuts corners and takes the easy way out of things. Again making all these promises he never keeps. I share a cable and electric bill with my downstairs neighbor, it shouldn't be that way. He also refused to have comcast come out her and connect our house to there powerlines so he cut corners and took cable boxes and an internet box from his other properties and made an extension to someone elses cable bill. Our fridge is also busted and the entire first winter we lived here we didn't have heat. We lived in a small apartment that was on average 30 degrees. And he takes one of our trash cans weekly to put his own trash in, when we pay for those bins and my neighbor and I end up having to share one. I pay $940 a month to live here....and im getting tired of his bullshit. Ive also learned that the company he works for apparently thinks hes amazing and he was sleeping with his boss....so im afraid if I go to complain about him it would've matter and no one would believe me...but anyway.

Im at a decent point now where im slowly pulling myself out of this terribly deep hole im in. Im trying desperately to catch up on my commission list and deliver a good product. I still have my trade list too, im working in between but commissions are more important to me. But feel free to note me if you think ive forgotten about you. Trades aren't on my trello cue, but they are all written down.
Its taken me awhile to write this because I just....haven't had the strength to do so...again this isn't an excuse, I dont ask for pitty or anything like that. But its to help understand where ive been and what ive been doing for the past year. Im still in a bad state of health all around and I know that. But im getting there. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be my normal self from 7 years ago...but I dont think that will ever really happen...things change people and you have to go with it, another thing ive learned.

Again sorry this journal is so long. If you read it all and got to this point...thank you...from the bottom of my heart thank you. I give my sincere apologies to all of you and only ask your help in helping me make things right with you all, I just want to make you all happy <3

Yes I will be at AC this year. Yes ill be taking commissions for pickup. I will be posting it shortly. However I will not be taking on as much as last year. Im trying to be smarter about things. And ill be posting more as I go! I back to streaming now and that really helps me work and focus.

Again if you've stuck with me this long....thank you so much. I truly love and appreciate all of you <3