I know I don’t really talk about my personal problems a whole lot, but I think I really need to put out there, because not even my closest friends are aware if the full extent of my situation. Currently I live at home with my dad, two siblings, both grandparents and one of my aunts, and for a good 3-4 years-maybe more now? We’ve all been dealing with my aging grandparents, mostly my grandmother but also to a lesser extent and my aunt. The short of it is, my grandmother has dementia and alzheimers, and it gets progressively more difficult with her every day. It takes sometimes maybe 2 or 3 of us to help her when she’s having difficulties, and there are times where she will forget what we just told her literally second by second or has tantrums. She fixates on habits and will do them for hours and hours, sometimes with us having to intervene because there have been days where she didn’t even eat dinner, or where she’s been sitting for so long (recently) her legs go numb and she can’t walk and we’ll have to carry her. The other day my sister tried to intervene with her rituals because she had JUST finished them half an hour before and she was doing them again, and my grandmother was upset and threatened to call the police on her.

Besides this, I’m also the person for the longest time responsible for feeding her, and often my grandfather and aunt. My aunt is also bedridden and has been for a few months after a fall, and between all that? I can’t drive. Most everyone besides my aunt and grandparents can get up and go, and are usually gone during the day, so unlike them I get very little to no relief with the constant atmosphere of stress here beyond sleep. Even all-nighters aren’t a respite anymore because my grandmother will often wake up in the middle of the night and we’ll have to tend to her and make sure she gets back in bed and so she doesn’t fall.

On top of this I’ve also become incredibly isolated, I don’t really have any real life friends, it’s been depressing and lonely too without a reason to go out or even any income (I have money on my Paypal but I don’t have a bank account right now, due to some issues with renewing my ID that all started with me having to re-apply for a copy for my birth certificate. It was fucking near-impossible because I was born on US Soil. In Germany).

So yeah this is just. My life right now? I might’ve left out some details, I’m still sort of just venting and putting down what’s mostly been going on because I've resolved to be more open and honest about it. My anxiety’s been really bad too, and I feel the stress also taking its toll on my health and sleep schedule, I especially have mild heartburn pretty much every day now... Just. Yeah.