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Pain and Stoicism...
8 years ago
Yesterday I had an emotional breakdown/panic attack at work, I instantly saw my life before me, feeling lost and alone, surrounded by people at work who don't care about me a bit. I hate my job, I feel lost and constantly reminded of how my job a year ago took everything from me in a cascading fall. The loss of Sabiru my dog, took a huge toll on me, and while I'm watching over a new dog now he brings me a lot of stress with constantly doing business in the kitchen. I'm exhausted and tired, possibly sick now, with what feels like a fever and body aches.
Yesterday my breakdown draw me to search the internet vainly for answers, I came upon an old topic I once knew, Stoicism. I realize I didn't actually know it, I simply sought to call myself a stoic in some attempt to appear cool while brushing off emotions that normally affected me. I wasn't cool, I was a nerd and eventually after several relationships I realized I was full of emotion, the relationships left me hurt. Losing the girl I love recently, it's taken everything out of me, I feel like a zombie cow clopping through life at a slow ponderous pace constantly assaulted by emotions, fear, pain, sorrow, hurt, love, yearning. I miss the girl who brought calm to my life... but I know she probably will never talk to me again.
Today I spent more time at work reading, stoicism... Marcus Aurelius... I felt sick today, my muscles in pain like I had worked out but I hadn't... Keto flu? I don't know...
I'm gonna spend some time reading Marcus Aurelius' Meditations... and order a copy of Epictetus' Enchridion. I hope that learning what it means to be a stoic for these ancient men who held such wisdom will help me... Today I was mindful of things, when I got upset I spoke to myself internally that there is nothing to these feelings, that I'm allowed to have them, let them wash over me and past me and not effect me. I yearned for someone I love with all my heart, but is outside my world. I have never had any control outside of myself, I always knew that but failed to control emotions that constantly barrage me. I can only hope that things change, but in my heart I know that I love the girl who left me. I know that what I am doing now, is not what I was meant to do and need to change that.
I don't know where I'm going but I'm hoping I wish to find out soon.
Yesterday my breakdown draw me to search the internet vainly for answers, I came upon an old topic I once knew, Stoicism. I realize I didn't actually know it, I simply sought to call myself a stoic in some attempt to appear cool while brushing off emotions that normally affected me. I wasn't cool, I was a nerd and eventually after several relationships I realized I was full of emotion, the relationships left me hurt. Losing the girl I love recently, it's taken everything out of me, I feel like a zombie cow clopping through life at a slow ponderous pace constantly assaulted by emotions, fear, pain, sorrow, hurt, love, yearning. I miss the girl who brought calm to my life... but I know she probably will never talk to me again.
Today I spent more time at work reading, stoicism... Marcus Aurelius... I felt sick today, my muscles in pain like I had worked out but I hadn't... Keto flu? I don't know...
I'm gonna spend some time reading Marcus Aurelius' Meditations... and order a copy of Epictetus' Enchridion. I hope that learning what it means to be a stoic for these ancient men who held such wisdom will help me... Today I was mindful of things, when I got upset I spoke to myself internally that there is nothing to these feelings, that I'm allowed to have them, let them wash over me and past me and not effect me. I yearned for someone I love with all my heart, but is outside my world. I have never had any control outside of myself, I always knew that but failed to control emotions that constantly barrage me. I can only hope that things change, but in my heart I know that I love the girl who left me. I know that what I am doing now, is not what I was meant to do and need to change that.
I don't know where I'm going but I'm hoping I wish to find out soon.
