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Past Self, Present Self & Future Self
8 years ago
This weekend has been a strange one for me. I came face to face with my old life and realised not just how far I have grown from it but how much things have changed.
On Saturday, I went to an almost lifelong friend's wedding. As he stood there at the altar with his wife to be, memories flashed through my mind of the times we shared together. Memories from school, from when we went out or stayed in. Now was the beginning of a new chapter in his life and I began to scrutinise where I am and what I've done in my own.
The wedding was also a mass. I was brought up Catholic and had been to mass thousands of times growing up. Words had changed so my responses were different to everyone elses but not only that, I no longer felt comfortable reading and responding to what was printed and spoken. Our old priest was also there and he and I made eye contact. I just smiled and nodded but felt awkward. I have known him since I was a child. I stopped going to church around ten years ago due to family commitments and during that time no longer felt the need for religion in my life. I felt like I would need to give an explanation to him.
After things had concluded at the church, everyone made their way to the reception. None of my old school friends I had sat with really hung around to chat with me. I haven't kept in close contact with them but at the same time, the ones who were there have their own partners or arrangements. I came on my own and suddenly I was alone again.
As I drove from the church, I had this overwhelming sensation of familiarity and yet I felt that I no longer fitted in with it. My mind raced trying to make sense of these feelings of guilt, insecurity and a little bit of emotion. I couldn't face going to the reception feeling the way I did. With this, I went home, informed one of my friends I wasn't feeling well and would not be going to the reception.
I spoke to my mother for a long period of time about these things and a number of other issues on my mind. I also talked to a few friends I had met in our crazy little world known as the furry fandom. I was reassured that it was OK to feel this way and that I am following my heart and a path of my choosing.
On Sunday, I went to see two friends I had made in the fandom, one of whom had invited me to ConFuzzled three years ago. Back then, I saw the subculture as a double life. I never realised just how many people there are in the UK who are part of it. I never managed to come across them.
The reason I kept it to myself was because I was picked on for it during the latter part of my school years. This is where the old and new life of mine collided. I remember some of my peers going on the school computer I was using whilst I was out of the room and looked at my history after I checked some updates on DeviantArt. They didn't understand it and so decided to try to make fun of it. I remember one of them questioning me asking, "Who is Ruby the Mechanic?" That was a title of one of my submissions. I played ignorant and must have been convincing as luckily it died down quickly enough.
Regardless, this stuck with me for years and it wasn't until I had some hard evidence that it wasn't a strange quirk and that I wasn't the only one interested in it that I felt I could open up to a select few people and could enjoy it fully. I had met with people from the subculture before but seeing so many people at the convention, some of which I would never have guessed would be a part of it, legitimised everything. Since then, I have embraced it and got a group of friends I am incredibly lucky to have.
I recently had my car MOTed and noted how much my mileage had shot up without me realising. I am travelling more. I have met a large number of people with a common interest and I am having fun. I am lucky enough to be with a talented and creative group who make wonderful things, go out into the wider community to do good, put on fantastic shows for others or maintain a simple social gathering and all for the enjoyment of it.
This weekend made me realise that my course in life may have changed but that is far from a bad thing and in some respects, it's nice that I still have some connection to my old route. I can work on the communication but regardless, socially, I have never been better off than I am now.
This month has been the start of improving myself in a lot of aspects. The big three zero is less than two years away and I want to achieve a few things before then. I need to work out exactly what I want but with this new drive along with the love and support from so many people, I will succeed.
Thank you for reading.
On Saturday, I went to an almost lifelong friend's wedding. As he stood there at the altar with his wife to be, memories flashed through my mind of the times we shared together. Memories from school, from when we went out or stayed in. Now was the beginning of a new chapter in his life and I began to scrutinise where I am and what I've done in my own.
The wedding was also a mass. I was brought up Catholic and had been to mass thousands of times growing up. Words had changed so my responses were different to everyone elses but not only that, I no longer felt comfortable reading and responding to what was printed and spoken. Our old priest was also there and he and I made eye contact. I just smiled and nodded but felt awkward. I have known him since I was a child. I stopped going to church around ten years ago due to family commitments and during that time no longer felt the need for religion in my life. I felt like I would need to give an explanation to him.
After things had concluded at the church, everyone made their way to the reception. None of my old school friends I had sat with really hung around to chat with me. I haven't kept in close contact with them but at the same time, the ones who were there have their own partners or arrangements. I came on my own and suddenly I was alone again.
As I drove from the church, I had this overwhelming sensation of familiarity and yet I felt that I no longer fitted in with it. My mind raced trying to make sense of these feelings of guilt, insecurity and a little bit of emotion. I couldn't face going to the reception feeling the way I did. With this, I went home, informed one of my friends I wasn't feeling well and would not be going to the reception.
I spoke to my mother for a long period of time about these things and a number of other issues on my mind. I also talked to a few friends I had met in our crazy little world known as the furry fandom. I was reassured that it was OK to feel this way and that I am following my heart and a path of my choosing.
On Sunday, I went to see two friends I had made in the fandom, one of whom had invited me to ConFuzzled three years ago. Back then, I saw the subculture as a double life. I never realised just how many people there are in the UK who are part of it. I never managed to come across them.
The reason I kept it to myself was because I was picked on for it during the latter part of my school years. This is where the old and new life of mine collided. I remember some of my peers going on the school computer I was using whilst I was out of the room and looked at my history after I checked some updates on DeviantArt. They didn't understand it and so decided to try to make fun of it. I remember one of them questioning me asking, "Who is Ruby the Mechanic?" That was a title of one of my submissions. I played ignorant and must have been convincing as luckily it died down quickly enough.
Regardless, this stuck with me for years and it wasn't until I had some hard evidence that it wasn't a strange quirk and that I wasn't the only one interested in it that I felt I could open up to a select few people and could enjoy it fully. I had met with people from the subculture before but seeing so many people at the convention, some of which I would never have guessed would be a part of it, legitimised everything. Since then, I have embraced it and got a group of friends I am incredibly lucky to have.
I recently had my car MOTed and noted how much my mileage had shot up without me realising. I am travelling more. I have met a large number of people with a common interest and I am having fun. I am lucky enough to be with a talented and creative group who make wonderful things, go out into the wider community to do good, put on fantastic shows for others or maintain a simple social gathering and all for the enjoyment of it.
This weekend made me realise that my course in life may have changed but that is far from a bad thing and in some respects, it's nice that I still have some connection to my old route. I can work on the communication but regardless, socially, I have never been better off than I am now.
This month has been the start of improving myself in a lot of aspects. The big three zero is less than two years away and I want to achieve a few things before then. I need to work out exactly what I want but with this new drive along with the love and support from so many people, I will succeed.
Thank you for reading.
Life never really works out in the ways that you'd think it should, but as long as you're happy doing what you do, then I'm sure you'll be find in the end. =3