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Fanfic Review - Equestrian Human Spirit Chapter 2 - Part 4
8 years ago
One thing to remember, out of all the things in life
Continuing from http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8358076/
We start off with a general cliché in HiE fanfics by Daniel waking up in the Ponyville hospital, because many HiE fanfics start off that way or the MC gets there early on.
Daniel opens his eyes to see the worst designed hospital, at the sides of the rooms having green window sheets and Daniel being covered with a pink sheet. Now I said worst designed because White and very white colors is basically what you need to easily identify if someone is bleeding or something, same with windows blinds as light won't make the room look like a full on color, it's a hindrance to have different colors other than the White and close to white colors.
He sees that he's hooked up to what you usually see, a heart beat monitor, iv fluid packs and all that, also being covered in bandages. He also realized that he wasn't in his clothes, saying that it was an invasion of privacy... Are you fucking kidding me, he's saying he shouldnt have been stripped to be operated and healed. Okay, how were they supposed to operate on you with your clothes in the way? This is like what an anime girl would do to some guy trying to save her, calling him a pervert immediately with no questions when he's proforming mouth to mouth.
He was about to lay back until a certain someone, take a guess of who it is mates... The most overused nurse pony in HiE fanfics mates, Nurse Redheart herself! Come on man, be original, make one up or use any others other than her, despite her being my fave design. Anyways, she stated that everyone was worried that he wouldn't wake up due to him being in a coma for 2 whole days. With the injuries that he got, he would have been in there for probably more than two days imo. But if they pull the healing magic reasoning, I can't rag on that, it IS magic after all, but I'm sure the soreness would be there, makes it a tad more realistic IMO. And side note, no nurse wears high heels in hospitals, impractical much?
He is shocked that he was out for that long, but he's more shaken up by the fact that his stuff was taken away, asking her where his stuff it and with her saying that it's safe with them. The next part right here is... Just wow
'I didn't know whether to threaten her to give me my stuff back, or just wait until I'm out. I wanted to get my sword and my belongings back, but...something deep in me was telling me to wait patiently for the time being.'
Just... Wow, seriously? Do I need to say what's wrong with this? Well I will, because threatening the hospital won't give you a good image, it would make you look violent, so the fact that he thought this as an option is just dumb. I mean yea, that stuff is the only stuff you had, and that sword is priceless, but hospitals are normally trusted enough to keep your stuff safe. You could ask politely to get your stuff back, maybe your phone or something, but threatening wouldn't garner anything other than a bad image.
Anyways, he says to not take anything nor look through his stuff, she agrees and all then she asks some questions. First being his name, Daniel Blaze, which she says is a wonderful name... Really? It's not weird in any way to you? Usually it is in these. And now... Another part that really irks me. She asks if he was some sort of furless pony for medical reasons, and he's like 'They really need to get it through their head I'm not a furless pony.' I'm not kidding, this is stupid because she's the first pony to ask this, he's straight up assuming that every pony would know that he is a human.
He says that he is and she is pretty surprised by that, understandably, and he's annoyed, but he quickly forgives her after she apologized. He asks what happened and it's revealed that the girls and Pipsqueak, especially Pipsqueak, made visits to check how he was doing.
And speak of the devil, Pipsqueak comes in with... Fucking roses? If you bring roses to someone in the hospital, that either means ya love them or they died, if that's the case, bring him myosotis flowers or something. Pipsqueak, seeing Daniel is OK, drops the flowers and tackle hugs him. That would cause lots of pain for someone in Daniel's situation, but hey, it's a kid, so I can't blame him for being happy and worried. Daniel could have told Pip to lessen his hugging g grip, but deciding to be cool, he fights through it to not hurt the kid's feelings.
After a bit of hugging and some tears, they break the hug finally. How are they this close despite them only knowing each other for one day so far? Anywho, Nurse Redheart says that Twilight and her friends wanna see him, but Daniel doesn't know if he has the courage to talk to them again after what happened, I mean, he DID act like a total idiot, but so did they... Well, Rainbow Dash specifically
Anywho, Pipsqueak convinces Daniel to let them see him, and they exchange a few words. And Pipsqueak doesn't sound 8-9 years old at all IMO. Pip agreed that what Rainbow did was bad despite her intentions, and Daniel was happy he and the kid thought alike. Anyways, Pip thanks Daniel before Redheart comes in with the 6 girls, taking Pip away so Daniel can talk to the girls.
An awkward 30 seconds of silence happens before Twilight asks how he was doing, and Daniel just responds with a "Fine" before falling silent again. She says that she's sorry that she and her friends attacked him because they never seen him before, now, I need to interject here because this is a major flaw with the situation, Fluttershy, Pinkie and Rarity didn't even do anything to harm him, so the fact that the three who didn't do anything to him are needed to be forgiven for being innocent is just terrible, Daniel is mad at those three for zero reason.
Twilight asks that he gives them a second chance, and Daniel just gives it to them because his mom told him to give everyone a second chance because everyone does. Well, that doesn't mean that he forgave them.
And after so long, Pinkie Pie does something and says something finally... And it's to scream Yay and give him a bone crushing hug, causing Daniel pain and Twilight yelling at Pinkie to get off, which she does... Now I'm going to give a review of their introductions when it happens.
Twilight thanks him and introduces herself fully now. Her introduction is pretty standard here, but being the smartest, she was pretty stupid during their first interaction, she just came in and saw Rainbow attacking some creature and the creature fighting back in an able manor and even speaking, she doesn't break up the fight and try to asses the situation since it was intelligent and could speak, instead, she immediately attacks him.
Now Applejack introduces herself, and every word of dialogue here is just... People trying to sound out her accent, this is annoying because sometimes I can't understand what she's saying, like I'm is Ah'm, it just looks dumb, just say she has a farm accent and type normally. Now she's in the same boat with Twilight, though she actually hurt him, she's the same as Twilight, seeing rainbow getting attacked but not trying to stop the fight like a normal person. Anywho, she says she works in a farm called Sweet Apple Acres.
Next is Pinkie Pie with... Every time she introduces herself, she's up in your face and talking super fast, which is annoying. "Hiimpinkiepieiwanttowelcomeyoutoourtownponyvilledoyoulovepartiesilovepartiesheckwhodoesntlovepartieswhenifirstsawyouiwasgaaaspishouldthrowapartyforyouandthentwilihgtwas-mmmmpppphhh." Before she gets interrupted by Twilight. Every introduction in HiEs has her acting so fucking dumbly, I mean, yea, Pinkie Pie is known to be pretty silly, but make her act different, like less psycho and just really nice and excited,
Next is Fluttershy... Goddamnit, every time she's introduced in these, she acts like a total wuss, like she can't speak, she hides, she's ultra nervous, come the fuck on, make her slightly nervous, don't make her stutter every time or something, it's like she didn't learn how to interact with anyone for the past few seasons. Twilight says her name is Fluttershy, and he says "That's a very beautiful name. It's nice to meet you Fluttershy." It's not beautiful Daniel, just say it's fitting or something.
Next is Rarity, and her introduction here is standard enough, at least she didn't compliment on his sense of style straight up so far, that would be stupid. She says she owns the Carousel Boutique, though she doesn't say what it is or what she does, so that was pointless. Hers is the better one IMO with her introducing herself and thanks
And lastly there's Rainbow Dash. Her apology was actually good, apologing for attacking him and all that. Now how Daniel should have responded was that it would take time to forgive her completely due to her having harmed him multiple times, but instead he forgives her this time. After that, she flies up in the small room, and I should ask why, and she boasts that she is the best and most awesome flyier in Equestria... Goddamnit, can we have a more modest Dash, like please? It's always her saying she's the greatest despite that not being actually true, wtf, why always do this.
After their introductions, he says that he is human, shocking them all. Twilight simply looks at Applejack and says her name, Applejack responding by saying he's telling the truth... How can she tell? Just because she's the element of honesty doesn't mean she's an instant lie detector, just come on. I mean if the elements gave them some sort of magical abilities, yea, that would be cool, but it's not said nor implied.
Twilight recovers from her shock and gets pretty excited before calming down, explaining that humans are simply a simple pony tale. Daniel also explaining that anthro ponies and dragons don't exist in his world. She asks if he could tell her all he knew, but Applejack suggests that they do that after Daniel recovers.
Red Heart comes in and tells that they can come see him tomorrow morning. Rarity was the last to leave after she says that she took the liberty to clean his clothes and... compliments him on his fashion style, for fuck sakes, every single Hie fic has her doing a something like that. So after leaving him, Daniel has an internal monologue. Even though he liked it there so far, he was wondering if he should stay here or return home to Earth, where he belongs... Which doesn't make sense since he only suffered there in recent years.
He then falls asleep... And holy fuck this chapter was long and one massive train wreck.
Part one of this review explains of how he saves Pipsqueak from certain doom and his first interaction with Ponyville, part two explains of Daniel's second interaction, part three is the Manticore fight and this one is the hospital and meet n greet. My thoughts... This is the worst chapter so far since the logic of the reasoning is just dumb, and the execution of many things was just bad. The length itself is a problem, it's pointlessly long and it could have been split in multiple chapters, but doing so just makes a long ass chapter with so many flaws in one sitting that it would turn away readers normally. But hey, it's my opinion, so what do I know. One of the comments was also a review on the Manticore fight, the comment is made by Pinkie_Keen, so you can find it, but some guy replied with this.... And it's the funniest thing ever.
well let me debunk your ENTIRE RANT about this story in one fell swoop.
IT IS CALLED FICTION FOR A REASON
thank you have a nice day
Just because something is fiction doesn't excuse the fact of the flaws, in addition, the writer needs to know the limitations and reality of their main character. Because the fact that Daniel knows how to do this makes you question how the hell he was bullies, but it's fiction, so that makes this opinion pointless.... NOT.
But yea, that was my 4 part review of chapter 2, give your full thoughts in the comments on either my review or the chapter itself if you read it yourself. Anyways, Imma take a break before I read Chapter 3, I need a break after 14 thousand words.
We start off with a general cliché in HiE fanfics by Daniel waking up in the Ponyville hospital, because many HiE fanfics start off that way or the MC gets there early on.
Daniel opens his eyes to see the worst designed hospital, at the sides of the rooms having green window sheets and Daniel being covered with a pink sheet. Now I said worst designed because White and very white colors is basically what you need to easily identify if someone is bleeding or something, same with windows blinds as light won't make the room look like a full on color, it's a hindrance to have different colors other than the White and close to white colors.
He sees that he's hooked up to what you usually see, a heart beat monitor, iv fluid packs and all that, also being covered in bandages. He also realized that he wasn't in his clothes, saying that it was an invasion of privacy... Are you fucking kidding me, he's saying he shouldnt have been stripped to be operated and healed. Okay, how were they supposed to operate on you with your clothes in the way? This is like what an anime girl would do to some guy trying to save her, calling him a pervert immediately with no questions when he's proforming mouth to mouth.
He was about to lay back until a certain someone, take a guess of who it is mates... The most overused nurse pony in HiE fanfics mates, Nurse Redheart herself! Come on man, be original, make one up or use any others other than her, despite her being my fave design. Anyways, she stated that everyone was worried that he wouldn't wake up due to him being in a coma for 2 whole days. With the injuries that he got, he would have been in there for probably more than two days imo. But if they pull the healing magic reasoning, I can't rag on that, it IS magic after all, but I'm sure the soreness would be there, makes it a tad more realistic IMO. And side note, no nurse wears high heels in hospitals, impractical much?
He is shocked that he was out for that long, but he's more shaken up by the fact that his stuff was taken away, asking her where his stuff it and with her saying that it's safe with them. The next part right here is... Just wow
'I didn't know whether to threaten her to give me my stuff back, or just wait until I'm out. I wanted to get my sword and my belongings back, but...something deep in me was telling me to wait patiently for the time being.'
Just... Wow, seriously? Do I need to say what's wrong with this? Well I will, because threatening the hospital won't give you a good image, it would make you look violent, so the fact that he thought this as an option is just dumb. I mean yea, that stuff is the only stuff you had, and that sword is priceless, but hospitals are normally trusted enough to keep your stuff safe. You could ask politely to get your stuff back, maybe your phone or something, but threatening wouldn't garner anything other than a bad image.
Anyways, he says to not take anything nor look through his stuff, she agrees and all then she asks some questions. First being his name, Daniel Blaze, which she says is a wonderful name... Really? It's not weird in any way to you? Usually it is in these. And now... Another part that really irks me. She asks if he was some sort of furless pony for medical reasons, and he's like 'They really need to get it through their head I'm not a furless pony.' I'm not kidding, this is stupid because she's the first pony to ask this, he's straight up assuming that every pony would know that he is a human.
He says that he is and she is pretty surprised by that, understandably, and he's annoyed, but he quickly forgives her after she apologized. He asks what happened and it's revealed that the girls and Pipsqueak, especially Pipsqueak, made visits to check how he was doing.
And speak of the devil, Pipsqueak comes in with... Fucking roses? If you bring roses to someone in the hospital, that either means ya love them or they died, if that's the case, bring him myosotis flowers or something. Pipsqueak, seeing Daniel is OK, drops the flowers and tackle hugs him. That would cause lots of pain for someone in Daniel's situation, but hey, it's a kid, so I can't blame him for being happy and worried. Daniel could have told Pip to lessen his hugging g grip, but deciding to be cool, he fights through it to not hurt the kid's feelings.
After a bit of hugging and some tears, they break the hug finally. How are they this close despite them only knowing each other for one day so far? Anywho, Nurse Redheart says that Twilight and her friends wanna see him, but Daniel doesn't know if he has the courage to talk to them again after what happened, I mean, he DID act like a total idiot, but so did they... Well, Rainbow Dash specifically
Anywho, Pipsqueak convinces Daniel to let them see him, and they exchange a few words. And Pipsqueak doesn't sound 8-9 years old at all IMO. Pip agreed that what Rainbow did was bad despite her intentions, and Daniel was happy he and the kid thought alike. Anyways, Pip thanks Daniel before Redheart comes in with the 6 girls, taking Pip away so Daniel can talk to the girls.
An awkward 30 seconds of silence happens before Twilight asks how he was doing, and Daniel just responds with a "Fine" before falling silent again. She says that she's sorry that she and her friends attacked him because they never seen him before, now, I need to interject here because this is a major flaw with the situation, Fluttershy, Pinkie and Rarity didn't even do anything to harm him, so the fact that the three who didn't do anything to him are needed to be forgiven for being innocent is just terrible, Daniel is mad at those three for zero reason.
Twilight asks that he gives them a second chance, and Daniel just gives it to them because his mom told him to give everyone a second chance because everyone does. Well, that doesn't mean that he forgave them.
And after so long, Pinkie Pie does something and says something finally... And it's to scream Yay and give him a bone crushing hug, causing Daniel pain and Twilight yelling at Pinkie to get off, which she does... Now I'm going to give a review of their introductions when it happens.
Twilight thanks him and introduces herself fully now. Her introduction is pretty standard here, but being the smartest, she was pretty stupid during their first interaction, she just came in and saw Rainbow attacking some creature and the creature fighting back in an able manor and even speaking, she doesn't break up the fight and try to asses the situation since it was intelligent and could speak, instead, she immediately attacks him.
Now Applejack introduces herself, and every word of dialogue here is just... People trying to sound out her accent, this is annoying because sometimes I can't understand what she's saying, like I'm is Ah'm, it just looks dumb, just say she has a farm accent and type normally. Now she's in the same boat with Twilight, though she actually hurt him, she's the same as Twilight, seeing rainbow getting attacked but not trying to stop the fight like a normal person. Anywho, she says she works in a farm called Sweet Apple Acres.
Next is Pinkie Pie with... Every time she introduces herself, she's up in your face and talking super fast, which is annoying. "Hiimpinkiepieiwanttowelcomeyoutoourtownponyvilledoyoulovepartiesilovepartiesheckwhodoesntlovepartieswhenifirstsawyouiwasgaaaspishouldthrowapartyforyouandthentwilihgtwas-mmmmpppphhh." Before she gets interrupted by Twilight. Every introduction in HiEs has her acting so fucking dumbly, I mean, yea, Pinkie Pie is known to be pretty silly, but make her act different, like less psycho and just really nice and excited,
Next is Fluttershy... Goddamnit, every time she's introduced in these, she acts like a total wuss, like she can't speak, she hides, she's ultra nervous, come the fuck on, make her slightly nervous, don't make her stutter every time or something, it's like she didn't learn how to interact with anyone for the past few seasons. Twilight says her name is Fluttershy, and he says "That's a very beautiful name. It's nice to meet you Fluttershy." It's not beautiful Daniel, just say it's fitting or something.
Next is Rarity, and her introduction here is standard enough, at least she didn't compliment on his sense of style straight up so far, that would be stupid. She says she owns the Carousel Boutique, though she doesn't say what it is or what she does, so that was pointless. Hers is the better one IMO with her introducing herself and thanks
And lastly there's Rainbow Dash. Her apology was actually good, apologing for attacking him and all that. Now how Daniel should have responded was that it would take time to forgive her completely due to her having harmed him multiple times, but instead he forgives her this time. After that, she flies up in the small room, and I should ask why, and she boasts that she is the best and most awesome flyier in Equestria... Goddamnit, can we have a more modest Dash, like please? It's always her saying she's the greatest despite that not being actually true, wtf, why always do this.
After their introductions, he says that he is human, shocking them all. Twilight simply looks at Applejack and says her name, Applejack responding by saying he's telling the truth... How can she tell? Just because she's the element of honesty doesn't mean she's an instant lie detector, just come on. I mean if the elements gave them some sort of magical abilities, yea, that would be cool, but it's not said nor implied.
Twilight recovers from her shock and gets pretty excited before calming down, explaining that humans are simply a simple pony tale. Daniel also explaining that anthro ponies and dragons don't exist in his world. She asks if he could tell her all he knew, but Applejack suggests that they do that after Daniel recovers.
Red Heart comes in and tells that they can come see him tomorrow morning. Rarity was the last to leave after she says that she took the liberty to clean his clothes and... compliments him on his fashion style, for fuck sakes, every single Hie fic has her doing a something like that. So after leaving him, Daniel has an internal monologue. Even though he liked it there so far, he was wondering if he should stay here or return home to Earth, where he belongs... Which doesn't make sense since he only suffered there in recent years.
He then falls asleep... And holy fuck this chapter was long and one massive train wreck.
Part one of this review explains of how he saves Pipsqueak from certain doom and his first interaction with Ponyville, part two explains of Daniel's second interaction, part three is the Manticore fight and this one is the hospital and meet n greet. My thoughts... This is the worst chapter so far since the logic of the reasoning is just dumb, and the execution of many things was just bad. The length itself is a problem, it's pointlessly long and it could have been split in multiple chapters, but doing so just makes a long ass chapter with so many flaws in one sitting that it would turn away readers normally. But hey, it's my opinion, so what do I know. One of the comments was also a review on the Manticore fight, the comment is made by Pinkie_Keen, so you can find it, but some guy replied with this.... And it's the funniest thing ever.
well let me debunk your ENTIRE RANT about this story in one fell swoop.
IT IS CALLED FICTION FOR A REASON
thank you have a nice day
Just because something is fiction doesn't excuse the fact of the flaws, in addition, the writer needs to know the limitations and reality of their main character. Because the fact that Daniel knows how to do this makes you question how the hell he was bullies, but it's fiction, so that makes this opinion pointless.... NOT.
But yea, that was my 4 part review of chapter 2, give your full thoughts in the comments on either my review or the chapter itself if you read it yourself. Anyways, Imma take a break before I read Chapter 3, I need a break after 14 thousand words.
1. I forgot Redheart existed and I never knew she is overused but I can guess why. Also she wears high heels because she gives high heals. (I couldn’t resist not having that)
2. You know, I keep wanting to write something about how the characters act and think but due to everyone seems to be morons or have the worst train of thought every, it’s hard to make say something worthy about it. It is so painful I feel my sanity slipping. You pretty much state in some of the interactions the same things that go through my mind so I won’t bother with some of them.
3. Apple jack dialogue reminds me of something I learned. Yes, you shouldn’t to type out in the accent that they have. I think people forget one little thing about writing dialogue is that everyone speaks in a specific way. For example “You got a pretty mouth on you boy” and “Say the word baby”. Stupid small things like that, people talk at a specific frequency if you get what I mean. The point I am trying to make is that you should not care about the accent, only the way people talk. When I read it in that way, I will hear that accent just from how it is written out.
4. Pinkie pie and Fluttershy introductions feels like a stereotype now. Pinkie pie is hyper active and Flutterbutter being shy and stuttering in their dialogue has been beaten to death, to hell. They might still have their character traits but they can improve on them over time.
5. That fiction argument. Just because something cannot be real doesn’t mean it shouldn’t make sense. Having limitations, rules and other things set onto the field creates struggle and conflict, and can make things interesting. Daniel, being so powerful and skilled makes the struggles and conflicts seem nearly pointless if we know the result is he will be fine and fug some ponies. There is surprise really.
Sorry about this shitty format but those are my thoughts.
Also serious question, how powerful/strong should healing magic should be? Should recoveries be always slow or should it be like Crazy Diamond, fix it quickly kind of deal?
I hope that makes sense
I guess it all comes down to pacing. There must be some time for the characters to recover from battle and maybe even discuss things like don't go head first into the enemy. Heck, maybe someone should be a front line medic. Not really someone who prevents death rather slows the chance of death before they can receive proper care. (Unless they can suck the life out of their opponent and use it for themselves)
Also I guess you can factor in what kind of magic is used for healing.
Light magic is slow, but healthy. Dark magic must sacrifice something (Usually the life of another creature)
Thanks for answering reading and my question