I guess I owe a general explanation for my... tendencies and limitations. I usually keep this sort of information limited to people I'm really close with, but... Dammit, this situation needs to be a flyer right outside my office, figuratively speaking.

My profile info says that my wife doesn't like NSFW things, and I do. In all truth, I'm basically a "closet furry": someone who claims to be a member of this fandom on internet forums and message boards and chat sites, but cannot provide physical evidence of such. No fursuits, no art on the wall, etc. The reason for this, is that my wife doesn't understand the furry fandom and sees it as... strange. The "looser" side of it... as disgusting.
:<
I want to tell her that sorry, this is the fandom I'd like to be in. But she's... difficult. When we got married, she had told me very little about her anxiety issues, her general medical problems, and her dislike of that stuff (I was not quite yet in the fandom with both feet), so uncovering those problems became... quite a turn. Reevaluating my situation and whether this was something I wanted was... shaky at best.
In the end, I decided to limit my exposure to furriness and smut, and began following some good smut artists in secret.

I guess it's sort of my fault what happened next, because I kinda let myself grow into that fandom.
She uncovered me once, and proceeded to have a full-fledged panic attack and hyper lecture about the dangers of pornography, about how her brother had been addicted to hardcore porn and that he still struggles nowadays being around his four daughters, about whether she needs to take me to see counseling to get rid of this.

I respectfully bowed away from the fandom for a short while at that point, saying farewells and cutting my Patreon funds to artists who I genuinely liked to follow and support.
Sadly... and this might be my fault as well, but... I started feeling disgruntled. I felt like I could've picked better choices for myself way back when I was younger and less... married, shall we say. I kinda lashed out at a few people I wanted to regard as friends, and even made some passes at some of them. Sexual passes. ... No surprise that I was basically kicked away.
That was October 2016.
I thankfully had a few friends still within the fandom to fall back on, even after I nuked my Inkbunny account and pretty much this one, also. Still, I felt now that I couldn't be myself at all, and I needed to find a way to keep that part of me alive.
For a few months, I had limited contact with the fandom via a few friends on Discord. Some later said I needed to stop stalking them (?) and threw me away. Others are going through problems of their own regarding loss of a home, loss of funds, sickness, what have you. I finally returned via this account in Q1 2017, and I can feel alive again being part of this community.

Cue the perfect timing of my wife still having medical problems. I'm basically forced to be in a single job where I only make enough money to break even every month as the sole breadwinner. I have to keep this job in order to maintain the insurance coverage that my wife needs for her medical expenses. As such, I have 8 hrs per weekday, plus 2 and a half hours grand total for the public transportation I need to get to that job (so my wife could have the car at home whenever she needs it). That's 10.5 / 24 hours per day that I'm actually free from the hovering status of my wife. And those are hours I can't use for smut pursuance or socializing, as I would like. But literally the remaining 13 and a half hours, she is there, hovering like an Apache helicopter with a new task or errand or something that she wants me to run for her, never letting me be free to be myself. Always keeping an eye on me. Literally just now as I was typing this last sentence, she swooped in and asked what I was doing, and of course I have to hide this window so she doesn't know about it. She's suspicious every time I have to minimize a browser window when she comes into the room.

Who the hell would want to live like this?

I can't socialize unless she's there.
I can't do anything NSFW-related at home on the computer unless she's occupied with something else. And even then she constantly asks me to hand her something like two feet away from her just to get me off the computer.
I can't masturbate without her going "Why are you doing that?" in a really disgusted tone, then insisting I just do it with her instead. ...What's privacy?
I have no friends around here physically that I can go hang out with instead of being at home, because she insists on getting to know all my friends. I once tried to reach out to the Austin Furry Fandom via Telegram, and they weren't... helpful. I kid you not, one of them said "Well, I'm trying to get your point without psychoanalyzing you" and left it like that. That was my cue to exit that chat for good. Thanks, guys and gals.
...Honestly, I even want to go and have sexual relations elsewhere than at home. The primary concern with her medical issues, is that she has developed sex-organ problems like long periods, abnormal cramping, etc. And the doctors haven't figured out what is causing it all. We've also been trying for children for YEARS ALREADY and she's not taking what I'm giving her. Now I feel like I'm getting too old for having children. So again, I wanted to see if joining a regional furry group would help me get laid elsewhere, possibly even into an orgy for once in my life. Guess what? I'm straight. Austin furries? Not really. More males than females messaged me, and while I was playing along for a bit and being polite, I eventually got serious and expressed my desire to find more ladies to chat with. I can't believe I'm saying this, but ... I was straight-shamed off that chat. Holy hell.
Video chatting with other gals? Wife is nearby at home. Any sort of chatting except by text is immediately apparent, so that wouldn't fly. And even then, typing grabs her attention.
Smut on the screen? Wife is likely going to randomly walk in.
I can't hardly watch any art streams on Picarto now because she only attributes that site as "smutty".

But why not just talk to her about your needs and wishes, Venge?
Because she grew up ultra-conservative and basically scare-tacticked into disliking what I like. It'd be like convincing a brick wall to make you a sub sandwich. Oh, and add the detail that the brick wall would be having a panic attack and trying her damnedest to take you to counseling for rehabilitation.
So... why not divorce her?
Because I live in Texas. Unless she commits some sort of breach in our marriage, the Texas courts rule in favor of the woman in a divorce case. She'd get EVERYTHING. (Including the apartment she can't afford without my job, and the loss of medical insurance.) Equality, my ass.


In short, I feel like I am being abused. My mind is constantly struggling every day to function, let alone retain some sense of sanity. I swear, I am dying on the inside because of what this woman is doing to me.
So if I suddenly don't reply to an RP or a Discord message, or miss your art stream, or not reply to your note in a quick fashion, please understand that the reason is her and my need to keep her as healthy as possible... because I literally have no other choice.

...that I know of.
I guess this is also a plea for help. I don't know if anyone can help me, or how, but... well-wishes, sorries, apologies, and sympathies are no longer helpful to me. I need true, physical help. Someone to step in and help take me out of this situation somehow.
...
...I need freedom.