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Sometimes I miss the days when nobody knew me
8 years ago
Hi fluffs! Welcome to an installment of Aerak speaks his mind. It's like... I think a yearly thing, that is often times fueled by being up late with candles and thunderstorms outside. Tonight is such a night. Which is amazing. I love thunderstorms. I love the rustle of the trees, the pitter patter of rain drops on the ground. And the smell. I've always found it so tranquil and relaxing. There could be a tornado going on a few blocks away, and I'd be curled up with a good book, just loving how amazing nature is.
But I didn't decide to pull out my laptop and write my love of thunderstorms. I wanted to write about... anything. Dang. Anything. That would be amazing. As the journal title says, I miss the days when nobody knew me. I mean... *thinks and scratches behind his ear* I love what I'm doing now. I love being the president of a pretty large and well organized furgroup. The only one of it's scope that I'm aware of. I love helping to run Furry Migration. And I love Blue Rabbit Studios - the culmination of all my dreams over the last decade. I love all of that stuff. But what I don't love is having to watch what I'd say. Like, let's say a hate group of 2,000+ people existed in a college town somewhere, and deep down I'm thinking - these people are absolutely horrible. And lets say one of them runs over a bunch of counter protesters. I'd be tempted to say how disgusted I am that hate groups exist - that everyone is different, and special, and amazing, and everyone has the right to exist, be respected, and be able to live their lives. But then I think, "Oh... if I say something like that, a bunch of people might say, "Aerak represents MNFurs or Aerak represents Blue Rabbit Studios", what have you, and then they say, "Hmmm. These views aren't quite the same as mine. Screw those organizations Aerak represents. And screw Aerak. Stupid fox, bunny, whatever he is"...
Extreme example. In this case, I'm 100% okay saying none of the organizations I represent have any tolerance at all for hate groups. If you are a hate group and you're reading this, you are welcome to hate me, and you are welcome to never buy a fursuit from me or appear at any of our events. But.... *slicks his ears back*... But there are plenty of views that are not black and white. There are many thoughts that are just opinions, but I'm afraid to post stuff like that because of what I just said. The more organizations you represent, the more out there you are, the more you have to think before you speak. And... *pauses and rubs his muzzle in thought*
It's lonely. It's isolating. Even the decision of whether or not to post this journal is something I'm still struggling with. I'm leaning towards yes, but part of me still worries that there will be some negative consequence to speaking my mind. If you are reading this, I guess we know what I chose. And I know it's probably silly. I'm not -that- well known. I mean... across all platforms I might be actively followed by a couple thousand people... pretty low for a fursuiter. Lol, I don't know what I'm doing wrong XD.
There are some things I overall will not post about, as a rule, regardless if no one know me or not. I don't post politics. I think we should all work together to make this world amazing - that's about as political as we need to get. I don't post about my beliefs. But I can. I believe most people are pretty amazing. I believe in a lot of you - a lot of you inspire me and have shaped my life in one way or another. I believe we all have the capacity to make a difference. I believe in love and the power a hug can have. And I believe that I love making fursuits and love empowering people to live their dreams.
Usually I also don't post about event running, because if I do, I might say something like how I think people who run large scale events shouldn't be well known. My greatest pride as an event runner is seeing people come together and have fun with their friends, and make new friends. I believe that if an event goes well, people should give no thought at all to who ran it. It should be seamless. All that people should take away from it is that they had fun. If it's the other way around, I guess that's fine, but it's not my style. And posting about it at all is like a call to attention - "OMG did you know Aerak runs events??? Wait... wasn't he talking smack about how event runners shouldn't be out for attention. Hypocrite!"
I'm not usually one of those. I'm usually *chuckles* the most thoughtful, organized, forgetful person you will meet. I care about people. I guess that's the biggest key to understanding Aerak. I care... and I usually care far too much. There's like entire handfuls of people on my friend's list that I wish I could just give a big hug to. Tell them I believe in them. Tell them they inspire me and I think they are amazing. Yep. Lots of amazing people. So I guess I really don't wish for the day when nobody knew me.... because then I also wouldn't have the honor of knowing them. Double edged sword.
I remember when I was younger... 19... wow... that's a while ago now. Anyway. I remember when I was first getting into this fandom and I was using livejournal. If you have never heard of that site - consider yourself lucky! There was a time, long before my boyfriend created FA, that all we had was a blog called livejournal and it was a den of drama. People would post anything and everything to it. And oh the drama that would ensure. It united the fandom at the time... finding furry artists was a pain back then - it was treasure hunting. And I think during the LJ days is where the term, "furry drama" originated. So moving on. I posted my thoughts there every day. If something or someone upset me, I posted it there. It became a circle of angst. Post about drama, your post causes drama, you post about that drama. It's an endless cycle.
Wow, I really don't miss those days at all. What was I thinking saying I did??
The lesson learned is regardless of if you represent an organization or not, and whether or not you are well known, you in fact DON'T have to post about every detail and facet of your life for everyone to see. I think that there's something lost to doing that. And you may not hold that opinion, and that's OKAY. I have found, for myself, that I enjoy talking. I enjoy posting some of my passions online, like fursuit making for instance, and that gives people an in, so that they can talk to me more in person. I would much rather get to know you and vise versa in person instead of sharing everything online - an opinion that drives one or two people I know completely crazy. But you know, *shrugs* that's just who I am. When people see my online, I just want them to see me as a fursuit making bunny. Or an event running fox.
So in closing this journal.
I do not miss the days when nobody knew me.
I do not miss the days when snap judgements led to furry drama.
I do, however, miss the days when I could allow myself to be vulnerable and let people know that I needed a hug or needed to be held, without the thought in the back of my head telling me that was a weakness.
But I didn't decide to pull out my laptop and write my love of thunderstorms. I wanted to write about... anything. Dang. Anything. That would be amazing. As the journal title says, I miss the days when nobody knew me. I mean... *thinks and scratches behind his ear* I love what I'm doing now. I love being the president of a pretty large and well organized furgroup. The only one of it's scope that I'm aware of. I love helping to run Furry Migration. And I love Blue Rabbit Studios - the culmination of all my dreams over the last decade. I love all of that stuff. But what I don't love is having to watch what I'd say. Like, let's say a hate group of 2,000+ people existed in a college town somewhere, and deep down I'm thinking - these people are absolutely horrible. And lets say one of them runs over a bunch of counter protesters. I'd be tempted to say how disgusted I am that hate groups exist - that everyone is different, and special, and amazing, and everyone has the right to exist, be respected, and be able to live their lives. But then I think, "Oh... if I say something like that, a bunch of people might say, "Aerak represents MNFurs or Aerak represents Blue Rabbit Studios", what have you, and then they say, "Hmmm. These views aren't quite the same as mine. Screw those organizations Aerak represents. And screw Aerak. Stupid fox, bunny, whatever he is"...
Extreme example. In this case, I'm 100% okay saying none of the organizations I represent have any tolerance at all for hate groups. If you are a hate group and you're reading this, you are welcome to hate me, and you are welcome to never buy a fursuit from me or appear at any of our events. But.... *slicks his ears back*... But there are plenty of views that are not black and white. There are many thoughts that are just opinions, but I'm afraid to post stuff like that because of what I just said. The more organizations you represent, the more out there you are, the more you have to think before you speak. And... *pauses and rubs his muzzle in thought*
It's lonely. It's isolating. Even the decision of whether or not to post this journal is something I'm still struggling with. I'm leaning towards yes, but part of me still worries that there will be some negative consequence to speaking my mind. If you are reading this, I guess we know what I chose. And I know it's probably silly. I'm not -that- well known. I mean... across all platforms I might be actively followed by a couple thousand people... pretty low for a fursuiter. Lol, I don't know what I'm doing wrong XD.
There are some things I overall will not post about, as a rule, regardless if no one know me or not. I don't post politics. I think we should all work together to make this world amazing - that's about as political as we need to get. I don't post about my beliefs. But I can. I believe most people are pretty amazing. I believe in a lot of you - a lot of you inspire me and have shaped my life in one way or another. I believe we all have the capacity to make a difference. I believe in love and the power a hug can have. And I believe that I love making fursuits and love empowering people to live their dreams.
Usually I also don't post about event running, because if I do, I might say something like how I think people who run large scale events shouldn't be well known. My greatest pride as an event runner is seeing people come together and have fun with their friends, and make new friends. I believe that if an event goes well, people should give no thought at all to who ran it. It should be seamless. All that people should take away from it is that they had fun. If it's the other way around, I guess that's fine, but it's not my style. And posting about it at all is like a call to attention - "OMG did you know Aerak runs events??? Wait... wasn't he talking smack about how event runners shouldn't be out for attention. Hypocrite!"
I'm not usually one of those. I'm usually *chuckles* the most thoughtful, organized, forgetful person you will meet. I care about people. I guess that's the biggest key to understanding Aerak. I care... and I usually care far too much. There's like entire handfuls of people on my friend's list that I wish I could just give a big hug to. Tell them I believe in them. Tell them they inspire me and I think they are amazing. Yep. Lots of amazing people. So I guess I really don't wish for the day when nobody knew me.... because then I also wouldn't have the honor of knowing them. Double edged sword.
I remember when I was younger... 19... wow... that's a while ago now. Anyway. I remember when I was first getting into this fandom and I was using livejournal. If you have never heard of that site - consider yourself lucky! There was a time, long before my boyfriend created FA, that all we had was a blog called livejournal and it was a den of drama. People would post anything and everything to it. And oh the drama that would ensure. It united the fandom at the time... finding furry artists was a pain back then - it was treasure hunting. And I think during the LJ days is where the term, "furry drama" originated. So moving on. I posted my thoughts there every day. If something or someone upset me, I posted it there. It became a circle of angst. Post about drama, your post causes drama, you post about that drama. It's an endless cycle.
Wow, I really don't miss those days at all. What was I thinking saying I did??
The lesson learned is regardless of if you represent an organization or not, and whether or not you are well known, you in fact DON'T have to post about every detail and facet of your life for everyone to see. I think that there's something lost to doing that. And you may not hold that opinion, and that's OKAY. I have found, for myself, that I enjoy talking. I enjoy posting some of my passions online, like fursuit making for instance, and that gives people an in, so that they can talk to me more in person. I would much rather get to know you and vise versa in person instead of sharing everything online - an opinion that drives one or two people I know completely crazy. But you know, *shrugs* that's just who I am. When people see my online, I just want them to see me as a fursuit making bunny. Or an event running fox.
So in closing this journal.
I do not miss the days when nobody knew me.
I do not miss the days when snap judgements led to furry drama.
I do, however, miss the days when I could allow myself to be vulnerable and let people know that I needed a hug or needed to be held, without the thought in the back of my head telling me that was a weakness.
Also, you are right. When everything is already presented, there is little mystery left and, that leads to a lack of engagement that is easy to drift away from.
I don't have the mental/emotional energy to do half of the things you're involved in, so props to you. That's awesome.
Even though I'm not a well known person outside of certain fandom circles (guess a lot more people in spideypool know who I am than I realize tho), I still try NOT to rant about my personal opinions on subjects like I used to. There are a lot more qualified voices than mine out there who deserve the recognition for their efforts, and I'll share what they have to say, but generally my two cents is not required.
You as a person do deserve to have your thoughts and opinions, and I wish you luck balancing those things out with your visibility.
Thanks!